The Notebook
by Hamstadini
Summary: A little confrontation between Rei and the doctor who keeps her alive. Entry 16: Examination.
1. Prologue

Disclaimer: I'm only going to write this once. I don't own Evangelion - Gainax, Yoshiyuki Sadamoto and Hideaki Anno do. Any other chapters are going to ask you to refer to this.

The Notebook by Nathan Yuen 

Prologue

Shinji Ikari stepped out of the shower, reveling in how clean everything smelled after a night in the entry plug. The discomforts of daily life are nothing compared to sitting in a war machine's cockpit that was filled with a blood-scented breathable liquid.

Taking in another lungful of humid air, he reached for his clothes. He winced slightly as the soft cloth chafed like razor wire against his sensitive hands. Then he remembered why they were so sensitive…

* * *

LCL hissed into vapor as Shinji's hands made contact with the plug's manual release. In an instant his hands protested painfully from the heat.

But he couldn't run away.

Not this time.

Because inside the plug lay one Rei Ayanami, who had nothing but her EVA and her purpose as a pilot.

The memory of her ethereal face, so devoid of hope, crept into his mind along with her despondent words: _"If I had stopped being a pilot, I would have nothing left. That's the same as being dead."_

Now, against the fifth angel, she had nearly sacrificed everything – her EVA, her purpose, and her life – so that he could live.

He was not worthy of such a trade.

The tragedy that was Rei Ayanami willed him to grit his teeth and redouble his efforts against the sadistically hot hatch once again.

_You can't die, Ayanami!_ He thought frantically as the manual release gradually surrendered to the boy, _You have so much to learn! You need more than EVA in your life!

* * *

_

The sun blindsided Shinji as he stepped out of the apartment, cutting off his reminisces sharply and for a second he wondered why he stepped outside in the first place. Then he remembered.

_I wanted to thank Ayanami,_ he thought. But there was more to it than that, something buried in the corner of his mind. He excavated the thought as he made his way to the hospital where Rei was harbored.

Before Tokyo-3, life didn't have much to offer for Shinji. His mother was dead, his father cold, no one else really cared for him.

But now things were looking up a little. Misato was looking out for him, Kensuke and Toji hung out with him, and he could start thinking of the apartment as home.

The reason _why_ he had these people and things in his life now was because while he regarded life as miserable and the future as bleak, he would not throw away his life readily, especially for whatever ideals his father had.

Without her EVA or whatever causes his father put Rei up to, it was quite easy to see her giving up on life. And Shinji could barely stand that possibility.

So as Shinji crossed the street when the light changed, the question that bounced around inside his head was, _how can I help Rei?_, trailed by the question, _what kind of gift should I get her for the hospital visit?_

As he passed the bookstore at that very moment, a small glimmer in the windowsill caught his eye and he knew he found his answer.

* * *

Shinji strode into the hospital room, feeling unusually confident. Happily, Rei was sitting up in bed already halfway through a meal, showing signs of a textbook recovery. He sat down at the bedside chair, offering her a smile. "Hi Ayanami," he said gently, "How're you doing?"

She met his soft gaze with a level one. "I am improving." She paused. "Why are you here, Ikari?"

The blunt question chipped away a bit of his confidence, and he hesitated. "I, uh… wanted to see how you were, and…" he frowned. Why was it getting harder to concentrate on thoughts? "Th-thank you for saving me during the fight."

When she said nothing, he reached out and plopped a small parcel on the bedside, withdrawing his hand quickly. "It's a gift," he explained with averted eyes when she looked at the package with a puzzled look. "You can open it if you want," he declared, internally marveling at how little the girl really knew.

Picking up the package, she unwrapped it with delicate precision, gently unsticking the tape and folding back the paper. Eventually she revealed a black notebook, as small as her hand. It was similar to the operations book that she kept, except this book had an elastic band wrapped lengthwise around the cover, a cloth tassel for a place marker, a small compartment along the spine to place a pen, and a metal belt clip attached to the back.

Rei's expression was neutral as she turned from the gift to regard Shinji once again. The chip in his self-confidence turned into a fracture as he fidgeted under the First Child's gaze.

Desperate to break the silence, he explained, "It's a Moleskine notebook. Writers and artists all over the world have used them to jot down thoughts and ideas. They say Picasso, Matisse, and Hemmingway used them…" Thinking of nothing else to say, he trailed off.

"I do not understand," Rei finally murmured, "What is the purpose of this notebook?

"It doesn't have one yet," he said immediately, "but you can give it one. Maybe it can help you find your own."

She gave him a look, and Shinji stammered out, "Ah, sorry. I didn't mean it." Though what "it" was, he had no clue.

Why did he come here in the first place? He could have spent some yen on flowers and a get-well card, sent it off through first-class mail, and then spent the rest of the day with Toji and Kensuke at the arcades. But no, he had to buy some abstract gift and come personally to give it to her, and try to strike up a conversation. All it had resulted in was uncomfortable silence. _Ayanami probably takes the notebook as an insult than a gift,_ he thought miserably. And why not? The gesture could be easily misinterpreted. For Shinji, trying to figure out what the girl wanted was like trying to win a chess game where only she could see the pieces.

And he was dismal at chess as it was.

"I need to go," Shinji said suddenly, cooking up an excuse. "Kensuke and Toji are waiting for me." It was a half-lie, but it got him out of there.

He didn't see the lost, forlorn look she gave his back as he exited, nor did he see her draw the pen out of the spine and start writing…

TBC

Notes: I know that Rei-bashers could say that she only risked her life to complete the mission, but that's not really important. Shinji's subjective view of the matter is.

And if you're wondering about the description of the Moleskine notebook, I know it's wrong. I did write the rough draft of the prologue in mine, after all. It's actually a modified version, the pen compartment added so there's always something to write with, and the belt clip because…well, _I_ don't see any pockets on Rei's skirt, do you? So I figure that a belt clip would be good so that she can hang the notebook off her hip, almost like a reporter.

Finally, this story's going to follow the manga version. Because the anime sucks.

…you can put the pitchforks down, I didn't really mean it. (But seriously, the English dub is annoying especially Asuka's voice, Shinji's a wimp, and I'm certainly not going to plop down a c-note for the collection of DVDs.)

Preread by Andrew Joshua Talon, who was generous enough to take time away from chiseling away at his writer's block to read this. For some reason, my old lit professor used to say, "There's no such thing as writer's block – only a lazy writer." But if Talon has a writer's block, I believe 'em! Good luck, Andrew!


	2. Entry 1: Purpose

_As she sat in the hospital bed sketching the lines of kanji across the paper, she realized how unfamiliar writing was to her. Although she could respond to questions on paper and on computer, writing for it's own sake was a foreign concept to her. She did not know how or where to begin._

_So she decided to begin with that._

_And as she put pen to paper, questions gnawed at her mind..._

I do not understand. How could defining the purpose of this notebook assist me in discovering my own purpose?

I do understand why Ikari would deem Eva insufficient for a purpose for living. When EVA has completed its mission in protection of humanity, so too will my purpose for piloting them. And my determined purpose in life will too disappear. It is necessary then to find an alternative purpose to live for, using this gift.

This 'gift' is an object that is given without seeking recompense. I have never received anything without giving in return, or without prior requisitioning. Not even that which is the Commander's. Ikari – a person that I would not have known two weeks prior – has given me a gift causes me to feel…unique about us.

What is this warmth I am feeling? Am I … happy?

Regardless of these sensations, I desire to use this notebook to its optimum potential. If it has the possibility of assisting me in finding another purpose, then I will use it.

But how?

* * *

_As the hospital door clicked shut, she carefully pondered the ideas given to her. The black notebook simply sat on her lap, a silent witness to the decision she made as she started to write..._

A purpose has been designated for this notebook in the hours since I have last recorded my question. Although it is not the purpose that I chose, it may be effective nonetheless.

Resolving on a purpose for the notebook was an obstacle. The notebook would not have designated a purpose for itself, and I could not choose one for it, due to the infinite uses for such an object. It was evident that assistance would be required. With this reflection in mind, I presented this notebook to the orderly who came to retrieve the cafeteria tray.

I proceeded to inquire, "What is the purpose of such an item?"

His shoulders rose and fell once in what seemed to be a noncommittal gesture before he stated, "Looks like a journal to me. You can use them to jot down what'cha do for the day."

"I should record all the details of the day into this book?" I asked, for clarification. It seemed inefficient to describe the entire day in detail, if one were to consider that much of the day is routine.

"No! No!" the orderly said at a much louder volume than was necessary. "You don't need to write down the entire day, just the stuff that's special – though, every day's special in my opinion." It was confusing. I had one hundred percent recall in terms of memory.

"Of what need would I have a journal, if I can simply remember the events that transpired?" I stated to the orderly.

"Well, your memory might not change, but your feelings towards those memories can, even in a day. You can write about it down in that book you have there, and track yourself."

I reflected on the observations of the orderly long after he removed the tray. He did have reason; emotions are ethereal to me. Others can comprehend their emotions readily, but I have difficulty finding the words to the sensations. Perhaps it would be useful to record them.

Therefore, the purpose of this notebook is as follows:

1.To describe unusual events that occur throughout the day

2.To record any physical reactions that appears to be symptomatic of emotional responses.

TBC

**AN: 2 favorites, 10 reviews, 11 alerts, and 574 hits. And that was just the prologue. You Evangelion fans certainly know how to put the pressure on a guy! But I love it all the same. Thanks for the encouragement!**

**No author notes, disclaimers, or even titles will appear at the beginning of the chapters so you can just jump right in to the writing. After all, how many journal entries start off with a disclaimer? Titles will be in the chapter-chooser-thingy in the top right corner.**

**I forgot to mention that almost the entirety of the fic will span in that little Moleskin notebook that Rei is currently writing in, so barring interludes and such (which will be in third person), most of this will be in Rei first person view.**

**For those of you that thought Rei wrote too mechanically, well she just wants to get the right word down, so it may come off as mechanical. She also wants the interactions to be as accurate as possible, hence the quotes. (And for some reason, an image of Rei writing down the orderly's slang kanji just tickles me to the bone.)**

**For those of you who thought that Rei wrote too much… well, people sound different when they're writing than when they're speaking.**

"**That which is the commander's" his glasses, if you're interested. I'm suspecting she had to ask for those.**

**To Adam, poetry is a good idea, but I don't know if I can get in Rei's mind well enough to do her type of poetry. But perhaps I'll make an attempt.**

**I'd like to thank Marine Brother Shran and Andrew Joshua Talon for pre-reading this and keeping me in line. You guys are a great help. And yes Andrew, I'm still working on the Kimiko Mind Dump.**

**Finally … TheGoose recommended my fic over at the "Tales of ****Apartment**** 402****" website (reidashshinjidotcjbcotnet) I tell ya, it's been an honor to be recommended. I've been ghosting their forums for a bit now, and I say I can't believe I've been accepted into their elite ranks. Thanks Goose!**


	3. Entry 2: Analysis of the Second Child

_She turned on the light and strode across the room, ignoring the piles of debris on the floor and the smell of dust in the air. Though night had fallen, coloring the window as black as the notebook's cover, she did not want to sleep yet. Not until after she wrote down this entry… _

The Second Child will be arriving in Tokyo 3 tomorrow. According to the reports, her sync ratio is superior to both mine and Ikari's, and she is exceptionally intelligent, having graduated from a German University at the age of fourteen.

However laudatory her report is, she must validate her traits in battle. Evidence has shown that efforts made toward increasing sync ratios do not always result in sync ratio gains in reality. An example of this would be the battle with the Third Angel: I had trained extensively to defend against invasion, but to no avail, whereas Ikari managed to defeat the Third angel with no prior training, and on his maiden launch.

Such conditions prompted NERV to record the Second Child's defense against the Sixth angel, so that her abilities under duress could be observed and studied. After such a recording was produced, Pilot Ikari and I were ordered to study it meticulously so that we would be able to co-ordinate with the Second more efficiently.

The battle went as follows: while escorting the Second child and Unit 02 off the coast of New Yokosuka at fifteen-hundred hours, the United Nations Pacific Fleet was intercepted by an unidentified, submerged object. It immediately eradicated two ships, and four torpedoes were ineffective in slowing its advance as it approached the rear transport ship. While the object, now confirmed to be an angel by sonar, destroyed the ship a large humanoid figure wapped in cloth leapt onto an AGEIS cruiser. As the angel advanced toward the cruiser and terminated it the giant humanoid again launched into the air, discarding the cloth to reveal that it was an EVA. It landed on an aircraft carrier, attached an umbilical cable, and proceeded to draw the progressive knife. As the angel launched into the air the EVA made a laceration into the dorsal section, causing massive internal hemorrhaging in the angel and defeating it. This occurred all within thirty-six seconds.

All evidence of this battle leads to the conclusion that the abilities of the Second Child are overstated. Many of her actions were unnecessary, such as enveloping her EVA in the large cloth, leaping from the transport at the last moment and waiting to engage the angel until the conclusion of the battle. Were she to deploy immediately and engage the angel directly, by my estimation she would have defeated the sixth in twenty five seconds instead of thirty-six, and would have preserved over thirty five hundred lives.

Despite the pilot's inefficiency, Captain Katsuragi, Doctor Akagi, and Pilot Ikari were not displeased at her performance. Rather, they deemed her actions sufficient for her reputation. Is it therefore favorable to pilot EVA in a grandiose fashion than to pilot efficiently and decisively?

It appears that her actions affected Pilot Ikari sufficiently – he asked earnestly for information regarding the Second child, specifically, "What's Miss Soryu like?"

Captain Katsuragi replied, "_Interested,_ Shin- chan?" her tone was interrogative and aggressive, with meaning I could not discern but …aggravated me all the same.

Ikari must have been aggravated as well, for his reply was quick. "Well, she _will_ be going into battle with us from now on."

Doctor Akagi informed Ikari of her intellect, to which he expressed surprise. The Captain informed us that she we will be encountering her tomorrow, after school is over. We were then dismissed and Pilot Ikari and I departed in the elevator.

After the elevator began its ascent, he asked, "I didn't know that other countries were also making EVAs and that there were other pilots. Did you know, Ayanami?"

"Yes," I responded. It was a sufficient answer. I did know, but no other information seemed necessary at the time.

What happened next was… unusual.

Ikari's body began making minor but unnecessary movements, though his feet remained where they were. I have observed this behavior several times before, from Lieutenant Ibuki in the presence of Doctor Akagi and from Lieutenant Hyuga in the presence of Captain Katsuragi. I believe it is called 'fidgeting,' an external sign of 'nervousness.' It was unnecessary to comment on it, however; why should I bring light to Ikari's emotional state if he was well aware of it?

His next query necessitated a somewhat more detailed assessment, however. "Um… Ayanami? How're you liking the notebook?"

My reaction was… unprecedented. For an indeterminate period of time I had a mental vision of the limitless variety of responses that I could make, and Ikari's reactions to such responses. Some in my vision were positive, some were negative.

And for some reason, which I cannot describe, I desired a positive response.

Is this what it feels like to care for someone? To desire their happiness?

I did not reflect on it at the time; I wished to extradite all the possible scenarios – the negative more than the positive – out of my intellect. I then chose the simplest answer. "It is pleasing, and a utilitarian tool."

His reaction was a smile, which suffused me with a warmth similar to when he held out his hand to me in the aftermath of the fifth angel. I desire to know why I feel these reactions for the pilot and why they are increasing in intensity more rapidly than the reactions for the commander…

But now is not the time for such introspection. The second child is arriving tomorrow. It is time to retire and prepare for her advent.

(TBC)

Whew, this took me a long time to get out. It was hard to figure out how I wanted it to go down, because there are a lot of things going on right now.

Case in point:

1)Finals at UCSD.

2)Kimiko's Mind Dump for Andrew (Hey, I gotta keep my word!)

3)Correcting ferosdc's Spanish/English translation story (If you're reading this Fero, I'll have it done most likely by next Saturday.)

I want to note that this IS NOT the final version of Entry 2. I just wanted to post this up before I take my final tomorrow, so I can at least not worry about it any more (if finals go poorly, you're going to be getting entries from a depressed Rei :-P). But I'm still waiting for Marine Brother Shran's prereading review on this.

It may seem that Rei may be out of character in this piece because she is so judgmental of Asuka. But no one else is going to see these thoughts, so I would think that she could put her own opinion in here. Also, she could be telling it like it is, with the priorities of the second and first child clashing – while Rei is worried about efficiency and protecting others, Asuka is more into showing off her moves and winning the day with style (my opinion's biased, I know).

Also here Rei gets her first taste of imagination (with the vision of Shinji's responses) it's not a very good taste for her first time, but who knows… maybe her imagination will get expanded later on?

But yeah… hope this tides you guys over till next week, 'cause I'm going to be studying till after the final on Thursday. Hope you guys have a good summer, and hope you can wait for the next installment a little longer!

Preread by Andrew J Talon. 'Cause he's awesome like that.


	4. Entry 3: Bond and Protection

_She strolled across the street, intent on reaching her destination as fast as possible by cutting through one of Tokyo-3's many parks. But with each step in the park's path, her determination faltered, until she stopped in front of a bench that faced a glistening pond. Deciding that taking a moment to reflect would not destroy protocol completely, she sat down and put pen to paper…_

As I headed toward the school's exit I decided to proceed to NERV headquarters, as I had nothing essential to complete in the afternoon save for meeting the second child. So I turned back and said, "See you later, Ikari. I will go on ahead."

Ikari reacted similarly to his companions Aida and Suzuhara. His mouth opened a few centimeters and his eyes enlarged slightly. I believe his reaction fit the description of astonishment.

His reactions were far below my expectations. Did he not say to me, "You should stop saying 'goodbye' when you leave on a mission. It's too sad?" I altered my farewell because of his suggestion. And do we not share a bond since the conflict against the fifth angel?

Perhaps a reevaluation of our bond is in order.

* * *

_Again it was dark before she returned to her residence, and it was well past midnight when she finished her homework. Still, she did not go to bed, because she had one last entry to write…_

The encounter with the Second Child was eventful, to say the least. The distress Ikari emitted during the conflict with the third angel did not even compare to his distress during that meeting.

The second child entered the briefing room flanked by Captain Katsuragi and Doctor Akagi. "Allow me to introduce miss Asuka Soryu," the Captain announced, placing her hand on Soryu's shoulder to emphasize her point. "She's going to work with unit-02 starting today."

Soryu rose a few centimeters in stature at this statement. "How do you do?" She said. Her smile was unusual, slightly too wide to be defined as genuinely hospitable. Her greeting was sufficiently pleasant, however.

As Doctor Akagi instructed in my youth, I replied "Nice to meet you."

Ikari remained silent, which was abnormal considering the enthusiasm that he displayed yesterday regarding the second child. On his face was a rapidly darkening blemish, a possible explanation for his emotional paralysis.

Captain Katsuragi also noticed the injury and inquired, "So, Shin-chan – how'd you get that bruise on your cheek?"

"Huh?" The question brought Ikari out of stasis, and his hand brushed against the injury." Oh, th-this was… um…"

Before he completed his explanation Soryu advanced forward, quite active in profuse apologies. "Oh! I'm **so** sorry! Did that happen **before**?"

She turned toward the command staff and said with surplus exuberance, "Some **punks** were **picking** on me while I was shopping in the city… Shinji happened to pass by and **saved** me!"

Ikari displayed his astonishment more prominently in this instance, before his face began to spasm in pain. At the time, the most likely explanation was from the injury he sustained on his face.

The eyes of Doctor Akagi widened and her voice reached a higher tone as she said, "Oh, then you've already met! How nice…"

"And how **unlike** Shinji to show some chivalry…" Captain Katsuragi murmured, her face unreadable.

My desire to object overwhelmed my obedience to protocol and command, assisted by Ikari's pained expression. "I believe your observation is wrong, Captain."

As all turned to regard me in silence, I felt a painful flutter, near my heart. It was then that I realized the degree that I disliked attention.

However, I had no choice but to be subject to it, since I was the one who spoke. "Chivalry is defined as courteous and considerate behavior, the assistance to another at the expense of oneself, correct?"

Captain Katsuragi nodded in assent, "Yeah, that's one way to look at it."

I mentally recounted the experiences that Ikari had been through. "Ikari piloted Eva unit 01 with no foreknowledge of its use against the third angel so that others would not be put in jeopardy. Against the fourth angel, he protected Suzuhara – an individual who took displeasure at Ikari's presence – against protocol and at risk to his well-being. He experienced injuries after the conflict with the fifth angel, while assisting me in the egress of the entry plug. All these experiences lead to one conclusion: Ikari rescuing a stranger from harm fits the pattern of behavior that he has displayed so far."

When I had concluded my statement, the eyes of all who were listening widened by several millimeters. "I don't think I've ever heard you say that much before, Rei," Lieutenant Ibuki observed.

I replied, "It is because it was never necessary to say that much before, Lieutenant."

Upon present reflection, however, I realized that I was the one in error. It was not necessary to object to the captain's observation. Yet the sensation was so compelling that I could not resist it. It felt like a mild form of fear, but the fear was for Ikari. It must have been the emotion they call concern.

My concern appeared to have an effect. Soryu's eyes narrowed, and her mouth seemed to emit a grating sound. Doctor Akagi's chin rose slightly and her eyes dimmed, a similar reaction as to when she is working on a particularly difficult dilemma. Lieutenant Ibuki fidgeted in place. Captain Kasuragi's head tilted to at an angle to the side, her eyes still wide. She remained unresponsive for several seconds. I believe the most accurate term for her behavior would be "flabbergasted."

Ikari regarded me for the briefest of instants before angling his head down to observe the floor, his cheeks coloring a faint red. I wonder if the heat on his face matched mine.

"Well, Ayanami is right," Soryu stated, interrupting the silence, "Chivalry is Shinji's strong suit, and I'm** very** grateful." At the last phrase her voice reached an unexplored pitch.

After a moment, Soryu muttered an indiscernible phrase to Ikari, whose cheeks darkened more profusely and the corners of his mouth lowered.

That was when I began to suspect the origins of his injury.

Though I desired to ask Ikari regarding his first encounter with Soryu as we left the Lieutenant and the Doctor behind and headed toward the cafeteria, I could not approach him in her presence. Though she walked beside him quite comfortably, his body was stiff and shivering with nervous energy.

The discomfort that Ikari exhibited appeared to be derived from the presence of the Second Child. Should she cause him undue distress, I believe I will have to confront her on that issue.

When we arrived, the Captain was the first to speak. "Grab whatever you want, although the pickings are slim," she said while procuring an alcoholic beverage.

Ikari noticed her choosing the beverage and objected by saying, "Umm… are you allowed to drink on duty, Misato?" His vocal tone was less varied than usual, and in the lower range – a sign of negative emotion, such as a sullen attitude.

"Hush, Shinji! One doesn't count!" the Captain said as she proceeded to a nearby table. We followed her.

As she procured a seat for herself, the Captain turned to Soryu and said, "Nice fight with the angel! We saw it on videotape…" Apparently, the impression that the presentation gave was still with her. "I'd heard the rumors about an amazing second child, head and shoulders above our little Shin-chan."

Ikari's eye's seemed to spasm at this statement, while Soryu's smile grew larger. She said, "Oh, I can't be that good. _Tee hee!_" It was curious. I believe she was attempting a giggle, as Lieutenant Ibuki is apt to do when the other Lieutenants attempt humor, but never have I heard of the phrase "tee hee" before. Perhaps it is a German term?

She continued onward while Ikari's shoulders sunk several degrees lower. "I mean, really, I still have so much to learn!"

Ikari's unusual mood became noticeable to even the Captain, as she asked, "Why the gloom and doom? I thought you'd be happy to have a new colleague…"

Her musings ceased when a poorly groomed man who wore his hair in a long ponytail assaulted her from behind.

Were it possible, Soryu's exuberance attained new heights as she exclaimed the newcomer's name, "Kaji!"

Conversely, Captain Katsuragi's mood shifted in a negative fashion as she struggled from the newcomer's grip. "What!"

"Still drinking in the middle of the day, huh?" Mister Kaji smiled down from his position over the Captain. "Ya know… you're gonna get a gut."

Captain Katsuragi then propelled out of the chair with an alacrity drawn from military training. "What are you doing here?" She projected at several times her normal volume, attracting the attention of the NERV staff that was present in the cafeteria.

"I accompanied Asuka on a business trip from Germany," he stated as the pilot mentioned adhered to his arm. He had closed his eyes and smiled widely at the statement – signs, as the Commander once told me, of concealment. Though what precisely he is concealing is not known at this time.

The Second pulled on his arm spasmodically, much like a canine would do to draw the owner's attention away from the business at hand. Her voice varied in pitch and tone, causing a painful resonance in my head. "Aww, where've you been?"

Though the Captain had a smile on her face, it was countered by the sharp downward angle of her eyebrows, making for an unpleasant expression. "Well good for you," she said, referring to Mister Kaji's last statement, "If you're done with business, can't you be on your way?"

Mister Kaji's cadence remained high as he informed the Captain, "'Fraid not! No plans to leave for the time being."

The corners of the Captain's mouth turned downward to match the look in her eyes. "I see…"

Mister Kaji turned toward Ikari, asking the third for confirmation of his suspicions. Ikari confirmed his identity and asked, "How'd you know my name?"

To which the older man replied, "You're famous, at least in our biz! I know Rei, too, of course." He placed a hand on my head with light but direct force. It was not enough force to cause harm, but sufficient to garner my attention – and I was well informed by what I saw.

While Mister Kaji's expression was pleasant and disarming to Ikari across the table, Soryu regarded Ikari with a fearsome intensity. The corners of her mouth were no longer upturned in a smile, and instead were almost pressed together as her mouth seemed determined to form into a single point on her face.

Her reaction had no effect on the two participants in the conversation, as Mister Kaji continued, "the third child who piloted an EVA in battle – with **no** prior training, and he's defeated three angels to boot!"

At Mister Kaji's side, Soryu said, "Wow, but I defeated the fourth." It seemed to be a ploy to redirect Mister Kaji's attention back to her.

Against Mister Kaji's statement, Ikari protested, "Oh, but it was just luck."

To which Mister Kaji replied, "Luck is part of ability. It's your natural gift."

Ikari's face colored once more, though he did not turn away from Mister Kaji's gaze. He seemed to be paralyzed by it. Soryu's lips pressed tighter at the statement, and all of her reactions led to a conclusion.

Commander Ikari once informed me that all people are driven by motivation, and that all the actions and reactions of people stem from a desire. Soryu's reactions: her interruption of the conversation, her expression when Mister Kaji iterated the facts to Ikari, her overenthusiastic greeting – they all stem from a desire to garner the attention of Mister Kaji. In all likelihood, she views Ikari as an impediment to that end, and so desires to express that pain onto Ikari. With such a scenario in progress, it is no longer possible to avoid confrontation. In fact, it may be necessary to initiate one. Especially since what Mister Kaji said next has aggravated her annoyance to new heights.

The query was, "So, I hear you're living with Katsuragi?" to which Ikari responded in the affirmative. Then Mister Kaji asked, "Does she still sleep sprawled all over the bed?"

The inquiry itself was benign. The reactions Soryu and the Captain had to it were extreme. Interrupting Ikari's response, the Captain exclaimed, "Wh-wh-what the hell are you saying! In front of children, no less!"

Ikari asked, "Why's it wrong in front of children?" I also did not understand how a question about one's style of repose would be such an unflattering question, but this seemed to enrage the captain even more. And Soryu was incensed as well, as if her expectations were not met.

"Go away!" The captain exclaimed to the retreating Mister Kaji.

In spite of the Captain's continued agitated state and the frequent stares that the second child projected at Ikari, the rest of the evening was uneventful. Eventually Soryu excused herself, citing the need to retire, and glancing angrily at Ikari one final time, took her leave. The remaining participants consisted of Ikari, the Captain, and me.

It was while we were walking down the corridor to the Captain's vehicle that I noticed that Ikari was still downcast, and that realization caused an unpleasant tightening sensation in my abdomen.

It was as if Ikari's pain was my own, through the bond that we share. And I needed to alleviate his pain in order to neutralize my own.

Since the determined problem stemmed from the second child, I desired to inform him that she would be no threat. But I could not guarantee that statement. Nor did it seem proper to inquire as to the specifics of their first encounter, lest unpleasant memories resurface.

Instead, I decided to offer reassurance.

I turned to face him. "Ikari…"

His voice was soft, with a trace of sadness. "Yes?"

When his eyes rose to meet mine I continued, "Do you recall my words before the conflict with the fifth angel?"

The light in his eyes faded slightly as he recalled the memory. "Yes… 'I will protect you,' I think."

I nodded an affirmative. "That is correct. Those orders had not been rescinded."

Several lines appeared on his forehead as he assimilated this information. "But what – "

Captain Katusragi halted our advance; we were just in front of the garage door. "We're here."

"I'll see you later, Ikari," I said as I turned away. It was necessary that Ikari returned to his place of residence to recuperate from the events of the day. Conversation was needless after this point, or so I informed myself.

But a more accurate reason was that the tightening in my abdomen increased as I spoke those words to Ikari, almost to the point of pain. My only recourse was to withdraw from the situation altogether. But now, by not expressing my purpose or my feelings properly, I feel… incomplete.

But I will care for Ikari, just as he cared for me. And I will protect him… even if that protection needs to be from one of our own.

TBC

Author's note: I hated this chapter with a passion. Not because it deviates from all the entries made before – you asked for more dialogue and description. What I hate about this chapter is about eighty percent unoriginal.

I did everything I could with this chapter to make Rei gain some significant development, from defending Shinji to adding a barely-there dry humor regarding Asuka. But still, there seems to be something missing. Maybe in the future I'll come back and figure out what that missing something is, but for now I'm just happy to be moving on to the next chapter.

And to kalis45: sorry man, this is the first time I'm trying a complex romantic relationship, so there's not gonna be any real romance scenes for a while yet. If you want fast romance, read Random1377's "Touch.'" But I'd be happy to have you as a prereader if you'd like to help me with my content. One can never have enough prereaders.

Speaking of prereaders, thanks to Andrew J Talon for reading this over and correcting the stuff inside. Now, I think it's time to work on "Inside the 'Plugsuit…'"

Marine Brother Shran also deserves a mention, because even though he's swamped with exams he still found the time to criticize my chapters. And he also pointed out one thing – my chapters seem to make no sense without describing the background that Rei is writing in. So I figure it's better to compromise my vision and put a little description in italics before each entry…

I'd like to credit MetalHairFromHell because I used his idea of exporting documents from previous stories to submit the new chapters. Thanks for the help, and keep up the funny!


	5. Entry 4: Confrontations

_The sun tinged the Tokyo-3 skyline crimson as Rei trudged across the room and flopped down upon the bed. A moment passed as she considered neglecting this day's entry, as it would be long and suffused with events. But the weight at her hip would not let her rest. Lethargically, she rolled onto her stomach and pulled the black book from her side, propping herself up in the process. Using the cloth tassel to find her last entry, she started to record:_

While it is fortunate for the entirety of humanity that the second child has arrived at an opportune moment, her presence does not come without detractions.

An example of this is the discomfort that Ikari displayed as he informed Aida and Suzuhara about the nature of Soryu's visit.

Suzuhara was quite vocal about the situation. "SAY WHAAAT!" He said, throwing his arm in a defensive posture, a reaction similar to Lieutenant Aoba when he discovered directly that Captain Katsuragi was agitated from not ingesting her alcoholic beverage in the morning. Suzuhara continued, "She's an EVA pilot? No way!"

Ikari's posture was similar to the one he had the day before, indicating that he still retained some negative emotion. "Yeah…." was his only response to Suzuhara's outburst.

Aida's brow furrowed, much like Lieutenant Hyuga's when he discovers that he is absent from the "pay raise" list. "I wonder if only weirdos get chosen to be pilots."

Considering the opinion of the majority of the classroom regarding Aida, I believe that statement could be termed ironic. If "weirdos" were the only qualification for Evangelion pilot training, would not Aida be the first candidate?

Suzuhara's shoulders relaxed, and the corners of his mouth turned upward as he scratched his nose and stated, "well… we'll probably never see her again." He released a blow to Ikari's shoulder, but it must have been with minimum force because it did not affect Ikari in the slightest. "But hey! It's your J.O.B, so you can't help it! I feel for ya."

"And I envy you…" Aida was despondent, but to a lesser degree compared with Ikari.

Factoring in the lapses of judgment – most notably his intrusion during the battle with the fourth angel – I am beginning to wonder if the class's questions about Aida's judgements are valid. With Aida's recent opinion revealed, the answer seems to be increasingly in the affirmative.

These ruminations abruptly ceased with the sliding open of the classroom door, which revealed the second child.

Again, Suzuhara's reaction was extreme: "YAAAAAH!"

But Ikari's mouth was also open and the corners of his mouth were downward, allowing me to suspect that their first joint encounter was not a pleasant one.

Soryu seemed oblivious to their responses as she asked, "oh, you three all in the same class?"

Though I could not hear what she said as she passed by them, Soryu stuck out her tongue in an insulting gesture, indicating that she did indeed conceal part of her personality.

She reverted back to her prominent, more pleasant personality as she stood in front of the blackboard. "I'm Asuka Langly Soryu. Nice to meet you," she stated.

As she made her way to an empty seat, comments were made throughout the classroom. They consisted of descriptions of physical appearance, such as: "Seriously cute. And her legs – so long…" "Check out her hair! Golden – red, and such a body…"

As the teacher continued on with the lesson, comments about the second child included many visually appealing adjectives, the most utilized being "beautiful," which I do not believe could be applied to people.

Utilizing the word "beautiful" for people is inaccurate. The word should apply when the entirety of the object is considered. The sky could be called beautiful. The color of a cup of tea could be called beautiful. This is because their essence consists of surface and appearance. In other words, they can be called "pure."

People are not pure. They are complex, with much more beyond the surface to consider. To be sure, physical appearance can make one person attractive to many, but if the essence of the person is unappealing, then that person cannot be called beautiful.

Under these conditions, the second child does not fit the description of beauty, as I discovered when I encountered Ikari escorting her to NERV. In recompense, she was berating him. "So they kept you ignorant of the most important facts? Unbelievable!"

At those words, I felt a slight pounding in my temples that coincided with a heat pounding throughout my chest. I felt my arms tightening, then I realized that my hands were clenching into fists.

Then I realized that Ikari's hands were doing the same. He was angry. And if I was having a similar reaction, was I not angry as well?

I do not know why I was angry for Ikari. All I know is that I had to protect him, to divert Soryu's attention so that Ikari would not be under attack from Soryu's verbal tirade any more.

So resolved, I strode up to Soryu and said, "Excuse me, could I get by?" It was a meager interruption, but it succeeded in distracting Soryu as I passed by.

After a moment, she said in a sharp tone behind me, "Hey! Wait a sec, FIRST!"

The realization that I, and not Ikari, was the attention of her ire soothed the throbbing in my head and chest like a balm, making me nearly lightheaded. I believe that it was the sensation called relief.

I did not expose this realization to Soryu. Instead I simply stated "Now what?" As I knew it would divert the remainder of her attention to me.

Her next words, predictably, were not kind. "I hear you're Commander Ikari's pet… even though you're as frigid as a stone." Her eyes narrowed at the end of her statement, as if concentrating on any reaction from me.

I found refuge in the fact that the latter half of her statement was false. "And what business is that of yours?" I enquired, not intending to press the matter further by walking away.

This made the second even more emotional, and she put her hand upon me, her intent aggressive. "Look at me when I'm talking to you! Don't make a fool of me just because you're the current favorite!" With her hand, she began to forcibly turn me around, and I readied to defend myself.

But then Shinji – Ikari intervened by grasping her hand and taking it off, ceasing her offending action and crying out to her, "cut it out!" Yet again, he intervened to protect me.

It is difficult to think of him as just Ikari when recalling that moment.

The second seemed to realize something, because she said, "I see. So that's how it is. First Misato, now you guys! I can't stand it! Losers!" She then sharply pulled her fist away from Ikari, nearly injuring his arm in the process, and sprinted away.

Ikari sighed and stated, "I think she's got the wrong idea. I sure hope we'll be able to get along with her,"

I considered the possibility of working with Soryu for an extended period of time before stating, "I don't know. But if I'm ordered to, I will."

Ikari regarded me with a look that I could not comprehend. "If you're ordered to? But Ayanami, if you're not ordered to, what would you want to do?"

The question was unexpected. I did not know how to reply, but my mouth seemed to move of its own volition. "I want – "

Captain Katsuragi's voice over the intercom relieved me from responding. _"All EVA pilots! Prepare to sortie!"_

Within the hour, Soryu and Ikari were prepared for battle at the coast. I resided in Central Dogma, since Eva unit 00 is still under repair. That thought seemed to cause my hands to tingle. I desired to do something to assist in battle, but I could not; I could only observe the battle. It was the feeling of helplessness, an apt description for such a sensation.

Because Tokyo – 3's angel intercept system is at twenty-six percent effectiveness, Eva units 01 and 02 were transported via linear rail to Japan's eastern seaboard, where pilots Ikari and Soryu were to intercept the angel and destroy it. Ikari was equipped with a palette rifle, while Soryu insisted on taking a midrange melee weapon, "for combat effectiveness," as she put it. It was an immense shaft with a progressive blade at an end. Soryu persisted in terming it a "battle axe," although that description is inaccurate.

So armed, they prepared to take combat in turns at the seaboard. At three forty five in the afternoon the angel surfaced. Soryu initiated combat immediately, without first assessing enemy strength or abilities. Ikari laid down suppressing fire, putting the angel on the defensive with it's AT field.

Unit 02 leapt into the air, its battle-axe raised in an overhead swing. With overwhelming force the axe bisected the angel and caused a minor tidal wave that dispersed out to sea.

Over the comm. line, Captain Katsuragi could be heard commenting, "That was beautiful, Asuka!"

The swing itself was pure in its intent and emotion, so I could not disagree.

However, the swing itself was not as effective as it appeared to be, because as Unit 02 started to return to the linear rail the angel began to move again, this time transforming itself into two miniature versions of its previous form and submerging to converge on both units.

Ikari began scattering fire while Soryu attempted another slash, with no effect. Ikari's assault was also ineffective though he obtained a direct hit. Even Soryu's direct assault against the angel's core failed to destroy it.

The battle ended when unit 01 and 02 were captured by the angels and thrown against each other. After they ceased functioning, authority was transferred over to UN-2, which then used an N-2 bomb on the angel to cease its movement for several days.

While my thoughts at the time focused on the well-being of Ikari, I discovered that my lips automatically upturned when I thought of Soryu's words regarding the "**current** favorite" in conjunction with her current position as an EVA pilot – prone. I believe a colloquial comment that Suzuhara would have found appropriate would be "she got her ass handed to her."

On a distant level, this is a distressing development. Have I really become so petty as to gain some satisfaction when there is a risk to the entire human race? Should I not show more concern at both pilots' current state?

Certainly when commander Ikari reviewed the report of the battle he was neither concerned nor satisfied. A moment after the briefing, he raised his had slightly from his hands and said, "You two!"

Ikari started to respond, but faltered. Soryu responded, "Yes?"

"Do you know what your jobs are?"

A moment passed as the two pilots considered the commander's question. Again Soryu responded first. "To pilot EVA?"

"No. It's to defeat the angels. NERV does not need this sort of negative attention." With that statement he rose, and I followed as expected of me. I glanced once at Ikari, as it would most likely be the last time I would see him that day.

After we exited the briefing room and Sub-commander Fuyutsuki departed, the commander stated, "We will be having dinner in the cafeteria, Rei."

My long experience with the commander helped me to deduce that his temperament was close to its end. I would have agreed and followed, regardless of his attitude.

His temper was restored after we had chosen our meals and sat down to eat. He initiated the conversation by asking, "How are you doing, Rei?"

The answer that I issued was practically automatic. "No problems to report, sir."

"And school?"

"No problems. I will be going to school tomorrow and seeing Doctor Akagi for a medical assessment briefly after that."

That is usually the extent of our conversations, and I discovered that while significant to my well being, conversations with Commander Ikari do not hold much emotional meaning for me. They are about my status as a pilot, and nothing more. On the other hand, pilot Ikari initiates conversations regarding my status as an individual. The question about what I want seems to point significantly to that.

But the commander was not through. "I see," he said, and then after taking a sip of water he inquired, "What is the book at your hip?"

Though I had been expecting this question for some time, I still had to ponder my answer carefully before answering. "It is a notebook to record my thoughts, commander."

His forehead creased as he absorbed this new information. "And why do you have it?"

Although it was a benign question, my mouth seemed to be resistant to giving the answer. "It was a gift, sir."

"From who?"

"From Pilot Ikari."

Immediately he extended his hand, palm up, his face neutral. "Give it to me."

I obeyed, though my arm seemed slower than usual at retrieving the book. Unexpectedly, he only examined the cover, turning the book over and back again. "It's of good quality. It would be unfortunate if such an item lowers your sync ratio or otherwise drains your concentration."

I gave the only response I could. "It will not, sir."

He raised one eyebrow, as if in challenge to my statement. "Indeed? What is your purpose, first child?"

Automatically I gave the answer that I have known for as far back as I could remember. "To defeat the Angels and protect humanity."

A slight upward spasm in his mouth expressed his satisfaction at my answer. "That's correct. All else – this notebook, your life, mine – is secondary to saving humanity. Keep that in mind, Rei, as you record your thoughts in Ikari's little…gift. I will hold off for now, but should this item lower your sync ratio, I will remove it."

I closed my eyes to ponder the situation. Ikari gave this notebook to me, but in filling it, it has become mine, the only item that can be called my own. It has too much value to me to be destroyed.

My only recourse then is to not fall in my synchronization scores.

I opened my eyes and said, "I understand, sir."

"Good." He rose, and so did I. Directing two Section 2 agents over to our table, he commanded, "take Rei home. She's had a very long day."

While my faith remains with the Commander, I cannot help but question his reasoning. If all else is secondary to saving humanity, including lives, then is not humanity itself secondary? Some objectives must be primary, and I believe I found several that would fit that purpose.

Perhaps now - in a fatigued state of mind – is not a time to be ruminating on such questions. I shall plan to discuss the problem about priorities with Ikari during school hours. He seems to have a penchant for such subjects.

TBC

Wow, Rei's getting a little bit of sass in her, isn't she? That's just her individuality asserting itself, I suppose. And as for the Asuka bashing... you're gonna have to wait in later chapters to see what happens!

I'm sorry for taking so long with this chapter, but if you notice this entry covers a stage and a half in the manga. And that's a lot to write up, believe me. I'm fairly sure all that happened in one day, so it was painful to write. And most of it was unoriginal, too.

I must say that this story started out on a whim, with me getting a new notebook and wondering what Rei would write if she got a notebook. Now I've got an outline with at least 25 entries detailing the series. And when I say 25 ENTRIES, that doesn't include interludes, poems, profiles, or whatever else I might want to throw in here. All I can say is that this is gonna be a long, hard road ahead… but I'm not quitting! The storyline is practically laid out for me. Why should I quit!

Anyways, next chapter for me is gonna be fun because while it's gonna be short, it's going to be one hundred percent original material. And the chapter after that is some behind the scenes stuff that we didn't get to see in either series. But I'll leave you hanging for now…

By the way, that whole thing about Gendo asking Rei "what is your purpose?" and her conditioned response was partially taken from Chapter 12 of Random 1377's fic, "3." It seems like something that Gendo would do to ensure that Rei does not deviate from the path he orders. And while we're on the subject, let's note what Rei DIDN'T say… she didn't say anything about instrumentality. I would think that Gendo would play things close to the vest and wait until the last angels are passed before informing Rei about her origins and Instrumentality. So at this point Rei knows nothing except that she was born to pilot an EVA.

Pre-read by Andrew J Talon, and I'm pending a pre-read from Marine Brother Shran… who is still on exams, I believe. Good luck, man!


	6. Entry 5: Lens

_As she exited the school she briefly considered going straight back to her apartment to complete her homework assignments and reflect on her day, but ultimately decided against it. For some indiscernible reason staying in the apartment for the rest of the day did not appeal to her. Deciding to trust her instincts instead, she walked into an open-air restaurant. One of the servers recognized her and immediately obtained a table for her. After ordering a glass of water and promptly receiving it, she took a sip from the cool glass, observing for the first time people chatting at tables under the quilted shade of swaying leaves, with the bluebirds' sonnets drifting through the air. As she sipped her water again, she opened the notebook to a blank page and began logging the day's events…_

I did not accomplish all that I had set out to do today… and yet I am satisfied with the results.

My objectives were incomplete due to unforeseen circumstance. I wished to discuss certain events with Ikari, but he was not present during class. Neither was Soryu.

When Ikari disappeared after the conflict with the fourth angel, my thoughts regarding him disappeared as well. This time, however, had a converse effect. My thoughts about him increased in his absence. Most of these thoughts were in the form of images that consisted of Soryu causing various forms of distress for Ikari. While concentration was not necessary for the current school lesson, my preoccupation with Ikari's absence was an irritant to the point that during lunch I proceeded to the bench under the shade of the cherry blossom tree and contacted Section 2 for a status update on the other pilots.

Under normal circumstances, Section 2 is sufficiently observant to any alterations in environment, dangerous or benign. Therefore, their custom is to answer a communication on the first ring.

Unexpectedly, the line signaled three times before a low vacillating male voice responded. _"Thank you for calling Bond incorporated, where we steal state secrets and seduce young femmes for Her Majesty's Service. How may I help you?"_

"Mister Kaji. I was not aware that you had sufficient clearance to access the Section 2 department."

_"Oh, I had to pump Misato for information, if you know what I mean. I can be quite persuasive."_

I overheard Captain Katsuragi yell, and the sound of metal making forceful contact with bone echoed over the communication. A moment passed before the Captain's voice was heard. "_What do you need, Rei?"_ she asked, her voice utilizing a tone usually reserved for when she shows appreciation to Doctor Akagi for assigning double shifts to her.

"The locations of the Second and Third Child. They are absent at school, and should the Angels reanimate before their predetermined time, I will not be able to inform them."

_"Oh, don't worry about those two. They're right here at NERV, training."_

I realized that there was an ache in the arm that was holding my phone, and I took the phone down from my ear to realize that my hand was clutching it tightly enough that the joints of my fingers were red from the tension. I willed my hand to relax and returned the phone to my ear. "Training? I was not informed of any training simulations today."

_"Well, since your EVA's out of commission, we decided not to bother you with it. It was hard enough to arrange a room for both Asuka and Shinji at NERV. Imagine what it would have been like to have all three of you stay the night!"_

Again, my hand tightened involuntarily around the device, and my will was not enough to stop it. "They reside in the same room together? Has there been any signs of distress between Soryu and Ikari?"

_"Nah. Things are going smoothly – relatively – though Asuka thought Shinji was going to jump her during the night."_

For a moment I saw an image of Ikari hovering over Soryu threateningly. I dismissed such a thing as preposterous.

Afterwards, I realized that the Captain had not spoken since her last statement. "Captain Katsuragi?"

_"…Rei, did you just…snort?"_

I blinked. I did not recall exhaling sharply through my nose. "I believe you are mistaken, Captain. It was most likely some small interference on the line."

"…_Ooookay. Well, if we need ya, we'll call ya."_ She paused _"…On second thought, we might need you tomorrow. I'll talk to you later, 'kay? Bye!"_

Before the captain severed communications, there was a low grunt of registered pain, and mister Kaji could be heard inquiring, _"Did you really have to use the butt of the gun?"_

She closed the line before I could hear her response.

As I put away the phone, I reviewed the knowledge that I was given. Ikari and Soryu are not attending school in order to defend the city against the dual Angels. They are even to reside together and train together- despite the heavy tension between them. Considering the aggressive behavior the Second Child exhibits us- her fellow EVA pilots- the likelihood of her aggressively assaulting Ikari is almost guaranteed. And I cannot interfere.

Because I am not necessary.

The muscles of my abdomen clenched at this thought, causing discomfort at my center.

It was not a rational reaction. Ikari and Soryu are doing what is necessary to defeat the Angel, our very purpose as Evangelion Pilots. My presence would be a detriment to that objective.

However, rationality did not dissipate the pain in my stomach, or the hollow feeling in myself as I pondered the fleeting possibility that the bond between the Second and Third Children may supersede the bond between Ikari and me.

The Third and Second Children may have to work together, but I do not prefer it.

A vaguely familiar voice to my left interrupted my thoughts. "Got a minute?" I turned to the sound to see Aida approaching the shade of the tree, albeit slowly, like a sparrow would do when it wants to obtain some morsel that is near a person's foot.

As there was nothing else I needed to accomplish at the time, I said "yes."

He sat down at the other end of the bench, ever unwilling to look at me directly. Nevertheless his approach was somewhat unexpected, as he usually attempts as little contact with me as possible. I waited for him to explain his presence.

Eventually he said, still not turning to meet me, "Can I ask you something?"

"If you must."

His face turned towards me and his eyes focused on the book at my side. "Where did you get that book?"

It was as if all the blood in my body had turned to molten copper. I could even feel the pulse in my head. "What concern is that of yours?" I replied coolly.

Wincing with discomfort, Aida retracted a few inches, putting as much of himself on the edge of the bench as he could. "Sorry, Ayanami. I didn't mean anything by it. It's just that…well, it's against dress code to wear something like that."

I felt my brow contract and my mouth curl downwards. The statement was inconsistent with his personality. Aida and Suzuhara were the least likely to become disciples of protocol. An underlying motive existed. "Was there another reason, Aida?"

He reached to the back of his head repeatedly dragged his fingernails over a minute area of his scalp. His face was suffused with red. "It's…well… ever since you've been wearing it, you've kinda looked more…well…_human_."

I did not comprehend his statement. Was I not already human? How can I increase after such a fashion?

He sighed, closing his eyes. "Look, fair trade, okay? You tell me where you got the book, I'll tell you how I got my camera."

I saw no irreparable cost, and there were possible benefits to this "trade," so I replied, "It was Ikari's gift, after our battle with the Fifth Angel. He said it would help me in finding Purpose."

Aida laughed once, briefly. "Shinji, huh? I thought he did. That's why I didn't ask while he was around. That guy has a real hero complex sometimes."

The discomfort in my abdomen increased at discussing Ikari in his absence. I said, "I believe you were going to explain the origins of your camera, Aida."

"Oh! This," he said, looking down and retrieving his much-used camcorder from his satchel. It was an older model, perhaps three years obsolete. Aida smiled when he examined it in his hand, though the emotion did not seem to reach his eyes. "This camera was my brother's."

"I was unaware that you had a sibling."

He placed the camera on his lap, but never detached his eyes from it. "That's because he's dead."

I never had a deceased relative, nor do I expect to have one in the future. I could not relate, and all I could say was "I see."

"I wish you could," he said. "My brother was everything I wanted to be. He worked at NERV, one of the technicians for the EVA interface. He'd fought in skirmishes after Second Impact. He was just…better at everything, I suppose.

"When I asked why I couldn't do things like him, he would laugh, pat my shoulder, and say, 'it's because you got a biased perspective, Kensuke. "Tunnel vision." You need to learn how to see things for what they are, not what you want them to be."

Aida's hands trembled as he recalled the next part. "One day, he just didn't come back from work. And day after we were told that he died in an accident. NERV was secret at the time, so we were only allowed a private, quiet funeral, without a body to bury.

"He willed this camera to me. The note attached said, 'Kensuke, this is my last gift to you. Let it be the lens through which you view the world clearly.' Those were my brother's last words of advice to me."

As I regarded Aida's face, I realized something – not just about the individual beside me, but about humanity in general. No one word could describe an individual for all time. Words can only serve as a temporary notification of status. If "beautiful" cannot apply to Soryu, then perhaps the term "weirdo" does not apply to Aida.

Not fully, at least.

It was discomforting to realize that I might have misjudged Aida, and perhaps others as well. "Perhaps I, too, need an objective lens?" I asked aloud.

His laugh contained no mirth in it. "No, don't do that."

"Why not?"

He sighed, then supported his head on the back of the bench, tilting his head upwards to catch speckled rays of light upon his face. "It took me a long time to figure it out, Ayanami, but I finally did. When I was young, I admired my brother so much that I began to think that what he liked was good and what he loathed was bad. When I began recording with the camera, I realized that there was good and bad in everything – I just needed to choose my own likes and dislikes."

Uncharacteristically, he reached over and tapped the cover of the book at my side. "You don't need to have an objective lens because you probably tell things like they are. What you need to do is start writing your opinion on things."

The sour sensation in my stomach was replaced by questions, the foremost of which almost came out automatically. "Why are you telling me all of this?"

Instead of answering me directly, Aida raised the camcorder in his hand. "You know, if it weren't for my 'lens' here, I doubt I would've caught you staring at Shinji's seat."

He closed one eye and opened it in a wink, a signal of informal acknowledgement. "Don't worry. I'll keep it a secret between us. But since you care about Shinji so much, I just want you to get the maximum benefit of his gift." With that he rose and left, a wave of his hand the only indication of a farewell.

His explanations left me with more questions than answers. Have I as many involuntary reactions as people say? Will I be able to better understand myself if I look at the world? What will I discover about myself if I do?

In order to better understand what lies within me and find the answers to these questions, I will attempt to follow Aida's advice. Perhaps then I can begin to understand myself, and finally identify emotion with sensation, and begin to stand on my own.

TBC

Author's notes: No, I'm not gonna ram you in the back by transforming this into a Rei/Kensuke romance. :shudder:

There is actually only one answer as to why I wrote this chapter. You can pick one correctly:

a)I got some reviews that wanted more background description, and this is the beginning of Rei's development in awareness of her surroundings.

b)I wanted Rei to have some interaction with a non-Ikari male for once and get some reprieve from the S/R dynamic.

c)I wanted to flesh out poor Kensuke's character. The guy really is portrayed as a one-dimensional otaku sometimes…

d)All of the above.

But yeah, "lens" seemed to be a good title for this entry. I'm sorry if Kensuke seems OOC, but then again there's not enough known about his character to be judged truly OOC, is there? Don't worry; everybody will get a turn interacting with Rei. This is not JUST a R/S fic anymore… it's a look into the world of Evangelion through Rei's eyes.

And by the way, there will be a new kind of entry from now on, called "Setting profiles." they're gonna be descriptions of places through Rei's eyes. I don't have any planned out so far, so they can number from 1 to twenty (Though twenty would probably mean that I'll finish this fic NEXT year… oy…)

Remember, **THIS IS STILL AN S/R FIC**. I'm just taking my time in getting there. So please bear with me as I stroll along the storyline.

Preread by AndrewJTalon, by Marine Brother Shran (possibly), and by ShinobiCyrus, who flattered me by using a variation of my prologue in his "Mother's Memory" fic. Imitation is the greatest form of flattery, after all…

(Andrew tackles author and repeatedly beats him down with a copy of "Does the plugsuit make me look fat?")

…most of the time.

**(ShinobiCyrus: "For the record, I am not a crook. And Shinji gave her a book of poetry, which is like, waaaaaaaaay better.") **


	7. Entry 6: Request

_Though Rei knew of the torrential downpour just outside her window, she decided to step onto the landing anyway. Closing the front door behind her, she stared at a world cloaked in grey rain and listened to the percussive taps and drips of water falling on the landing above her. Taking two steps to her right, she found a reasonably dry spot and sat in that corner of the hallway, facing out to view the city, back against the wall and her knees drawn up almost to her chest. For a few minutes more she watched the rain filter down from the heavens. Then, drawing the notebook and pen from her side she opened to book on her thigh, turning to a new blank page…_

Of all the rooms that I have resided in, the one that I would prefer not to stay in for any amount of time would be the room where Doctor Akagi gives me injections. It does not range more than three-square meters in area, there are no features save for tiled walls, and the smell is of brine and turpentine.

As to why those two scents permeate the room, I cannot fathom.

In my haste to leave that room, I encountered Captain Katsuragi, her back supported against the wall. "Hey, Rei. Wanna go grab a drink? My treat."

Perhaps it was because my main concerns were on distancing myself from that room, but I found her offer amenable. I followed her to her vehicle.

An automobile by itself does not cause my pulse to race or my muscles to tense. Even the thought of perishing in an automobile accident does not give me pause as I realize that I can be replaced.

However, a few moments after being in a car under the Captain's control, the symptoms of panic do occur within my body as I am bombarded with the realization that we are being propelled at velocities that promise a pain-filled demise in weather that is less than ideal for erroneous driving.

Against all probability we arrived undamaged at the Captain's desired location: a café a few kilometers from headquarters.

Once inside, the Captain directed me to a small table for two by the window. After sitting down at her request, Captain Katsuragi said, "It's too bad you're not old enough, or I would've taken you to a bar instead. Now, you stay here while I get our drinks. Whaddya want?"

"Water will be sufficient."

She smiled and nodded as if in agreement. "Hot chocolate it is, then." She left before I could even object.

The coffee shop itself had a soothing environment, despite its rudimentary exterior. Soft, tepid lights enhanced the brown woodwork that the tables, chairs, and floors utilized for construction. The deep, bitter scent of ungrounded coffee beans permeated the air, thankfully erasing the smell of the examination room from my nostrils. A piano's playful melodies danced invisibly in air, drowning out the sputtering rain outside. People murmured and laughed as they huddled together at the circular tables, content in the warm brown glow. Although I had never been in such a place before, I felt well at ease, feeling as if I belonged there while simultaneously maintaing my anonymity among people.

Captain Katsuragi gently slid into her seat, interrupting my observations. Her attitude had shifted – at NERV, she was very vocal and prone to large gestures, but at the café she was quiet and less active. It seemed that she had gauged the propriety of the shop beforehand.

"Here," she said, handing me a mug containing the liquid chocolate. "You know, Maya and Ritsuko come here in their off hours, and on really tough workload days Makoto brings coffee from here. It's not really well known, but it's the best caffeine this side of the Pacific."

For a moment, I regarded the drops falling outside the window, and the grey streets beyond. In comparison, sitting inside the dry café was pleasant, but it served no purpose. After all, the Captain has never escorted me anywhere before. "For what purpose did you bring me here, Captain?"

"Straight to the point, eh? All right." She sipped some coffee, then put the cup down with a sharp tap. "I want you to be at Asuka's and Shinji's training tomorrow."

"Yes."

"No? Well, you see Asuka and Shinji aren't coming along as well as we hoped and-" Her eyes widened as she assimilated my declaration. "Wait, did you say yes?"

"Yes, Captain Katsuragi."

"Well, uh…all right. Be there at seven, the rec-room." She leaned backing her chair and smiled, straightening out her shirt. But suddenly her mouth closed and the ends turned downward, and her eyes narrowed. "Wait as sec… why did you agree so easily? Aren't you gonna say that 'it's not necessary' or something like that?"

It took a few seconds to compose an appropriate response. "As my commanding officer, I am obligated to follow your orders."

The Captain folded her arms across her chest, her beverage momentarily forgotten. "So if I told you to strip 'till you're buck naked and do a lapdance for the commander, you'd do it?"

"No."

"Why not?" Her tone was forceful.

"Because it is not necessary."

"Aha! Now, the true reason?"

Ikari's tearful smile appeared unbidden in my mind as if I was still in the plug after the battle against the fifth angel. I forced myself to focus on the situation at hand. "It is preferable."

Captain Katsuragi leaned forward, eyes intent. "Is that all? 'It is preferable?'"

I did not answer. I had no other answer to give.

"Rei," she inquired in a tone that varied so little it sounded flat, "Do you like Shinji?"

"Pilot Ikari's company is pleasant, yes."

At that, the Captian did something quite unusual. She clasped her hands together and drew her elbows together so that her forearms were perpendicular to the table. She then leaned her cheek against the back of one of her hands while looking at the falling rain outside the window. For a long moment she did nothing else. This seemed to be congruous to the behavior that most people display when enacting an important decision.

Eventually she turned to face me again, but her face had no expression. "Rei, I have a hypothetical situation for you."

"Proceed."

"All right, let's say that you and Shinji are in a long standing, loving relationship. I want you to try to picture that in your head right now."

I summoned all my knowledge about couples that I have observed in the real world, as unlikely as the scenarios may seem for a couple consisting of EVA pilots. Shinji and I walking along the beach, the warm sand embracing our bare feet. Sharing a strawberry milkshake with Shinji at a mall's courtyard. Supporting my head on his shoulder while sitting at a bus stop…

And for a moment, I found a semblance of happiness.

The Captain nodded. "Now, imagine that you're fighting dual-Angels like we are now. Except that one's on the verge of starting Third Impact, while the other's about to tear Unit-01 apart. You only have time to stop one, which one do you prevent?"

My response should have been immediate, I knew my duty, I knew my purpose. But I discovered that I alternated between each choice…I hesitated at the unfamiliar sensation of indecision. After a few attempts I finally managed to reply with difficulty, "I would prevent Third Impact."

The Captain clasped her beverage but did not imbibe as she studied me. "And if you knew in advance that Shinji would hate you for not saving him? That he would never want see you again if you make that choice?"

A realization came to me as I considered this. The entire concept itself was…_wrong_, somehow. "Ikari is not like that…no matter how badly he was injured by the Angel, he still would not hate me, even if I deserved such."

Captain Katsuragi sighed. "Stay within the parameters of the situation, Rei. What if you knew he would hate you?"

For the second time in five minutes, I found myself unable to discover a solution and unable to make a choice. "I do not know."

Nodding knowingly, the Captain leaned back in her chair and folded her arms across her chest. "One final question, Rei. Suppose Unit-00 was the one that the Angel targeted, and Shinji was the one who had the choice. What would you want him to do?"

"I would want him to stop Third Impact."

"And given what you know about him, what do you think he'd do?"

After a few moments of thoughtful silence, I said, "He would choose me."

It was after that last word escaped my lips that I realized that my eyes were closed, and my words barely registered, even to my own ears.

I opened my eyes to find Captain Katsuragi again regarding the grey world outside the window, her hands folded in her lap. When she turned to face me again, she had a smile that was similar to Aida's when he talked about his brother.

"Love is a selfish beast," she imparted, "A person who is in love would gladly sacrifice themselves for their loved ones, but can't stand seeing a loved one being sacrificed. Love can turn everything askew and can derail objectivity. In other words, Rei, you, me, Shinji, - we can't afford to love. Not when so much is at stake. So I want you to not try anything with Shinji, not until this is all over."

For a length of time we did not talk, the rain the only interruption for our silence. I examined her reasoning. It was quite sound, but I was still unsatisfied with it. The lovers I have seen in public have gained much happiness at the expense of so little. Did those who operate NERV need to deny themselves the same right for happiness, even though they risk their lives daily?

Is it so wrong to love?

I sipped the hot drink I was holding, and realized that it was the first time I drank from the cup. It burned my tongue, was dark and almost overwhelmed me with the bitter taste.

And yet, there was a small hint of sweetness. An infinitesimal amount of cinnamon was added. It was barely undetectable, and yet the contrast between the flavors allowed it to remain distinct from the rest of the beverage.

"There is a flaw in your scenario, Captain." I pointed out.

Her eyes slid from the window to meet mine. "Oh, really? Do tell."

"Those who are in love desire to protect, indeed to the point of self sacrifice. But it is an option of last resort. Those who are in love will attempt everything in their ability to maintain the status quo.

"If Shinji and I were truly in love during this hypothetical dual-Angel attack, they will not proceed far enough to endanger myself or him, nor will they be able to attempt Third Impact."

For a moment, Captain Katsuragi looked at me with eyes larger than usual and mouth slightly agape. Then her teeth clicked as they pressed together, the corners of her mouth turned upward, and her eyes narrowed as a low rumble came from her chest – a chuckle, a sound of mild amusement. "I never figured you for an optimist, Rei."

As if noticing her environment for the first time she surveyed the area and commented, "I'm sick of this place." She nodded to my beverage. "Finish your hot chocolate, then let's go."

I finished it quickly, feeling the liquid's warmth suffuse my body before the Captain and I headed outside into the rain.

After another hazardous drive we arrived at the apartment complex. As I opened the door, the captain had one last statement:

"Rei, I just want you to think on what I've said, all right? And I'll think on yours."

I turned to see her wink at me. "Remember, seven o'clock, rec room. If you show up early, you might see Shinji in the buff or something." She then drove off at speeds hazardous to both driver and pedestrian.

I will end this entry here, as I plan to return indoors and retire early. I am expecting tomorrow with impatience.

TBC

Author's notes: As promised, this was a background chapter on how Rei starts going to the dancing training to meet Shinji and Asuka. I first thought I would have Rei refuse to go unless Misato promised something, but with where I'm taking Rei's character at this point it was rather impotent.

Misato doesn't know what would cause third impact – she just knows that NERV's ultimate goal is to prevent it.

And though Rei didn't MEAN to say "Shinji" or think "Shinji," it just happens.

As you probably first noticed, this is the first chapter where Rei describes her environment in detail. I tried to make it as dry and as elegant as possible, but dry and elegant seem mutually exclusive to me now. So I went with elegant. Hope I didn't put anyone's nose out of joint.

At risk of inflating my ego, I am rather proud of Misato's dialogue. It is some of the most inspired stuff I managed to write so far. Hope it became some of your favorite stuff too.

And if you guys think that Misato's being OOC throughout this sequence, think of it this way: Misato has a history with this coffee shop, and with a certain person. Though she goes there for the great coffee, being there makes her depressed subconsciously.

Either that, or else I love injecting drama into everyone.

I suppose this could take place at NERV or anywhere else, but for some reason Misato and Rei sitting at a round table by a rain-streaked window just stuck in my head for this kind of conversation. One of the oddest experiences I've had.

Yes, Rei's description of the hot chocolate IS significant.

Thanks to my henchmen…err, prereaders, AJTalon, ShinobiCyrus, and Marine Brother Shran for the preread. Next up will be some dancing!

**(ShinobiCyrus: Y'know….hot chocolate doesn't sound so bad right about now…)**


	8. Entry 7: Discord

_The biblical rain from the previous day swept away the accumulated dust of time, leaving every surface clean and glistening in the sun. Knowing that this is her most likely chance to do so with the smallest risk potential, Rei Ayanami threaded her way among the ruins of the deconstruction zone, now silent in the dying twilight. She inhaled deeply, tasting the pure cleanliness of the after-shower air. Soon, the ruins of the demolished building will be swept away, and a new building will grow in its place, a place for people to laugh and live, love and play._

_Without any forethought, she sat on a block of cement that jutted out of the ground. For some reason, it seemed fitting to record today's thoughts in such a place…_

Compassion is a foreign emotion to me. Presently I have only protected others on orders or because it was my purpose to do so. To act openly of my own volition has brought new sensations to the fore that I did not expect, and has placed me in a position to better understand the Second Child. All this due to the events that transpired today._  
_

Because Captain Katsuragi recommended that I arrive before the necessary time, I roused myself at six. After taking the necessary steps for proper hygiene and decorum, I exited the apartment and proceeded to NERV headquarters.

While in route to my destination I observed that a street convenience store was open. With the realization that Ikari was undergoing extensive training and will most likely require refreshment in the interim of the activity, I was compelled to purchase a bottle of electrolyte water and a facial towel. Making these purchases I continued on to headquarters without incident.

Due to the minimal staffing of the late shift, I have realized that the corridors of the Geofront are extremely austere. There are no aesthetically pleasing images to the eye, no aurally pleasing sounds for the ear. Nothing detracts from the purpose of the corridor – to provide passage from one place to another.

It was in such a corridor where I heard the unique footfall of the commander echo in front of me. I looked up and saw him approach, then stop as I drew closer. "Rei," he called out.

"Yes, commander?"

"Section Two has notified me that you accompanied Captain Katsuragi to a café yesterday, and that you ordered a beverage. Is that correct?"

"Yes, commander."

His forehead creased as the corners of his mouth turned downward. "Rei, is the water system in your apartment so inadequate that you need to go outside to find an acceptable source?"

"No, commander."

His forehead smoothed and his mouth straightened. "Nevertheless, an assessment will be done on the building to see if the water pipes need to be replaced. That is all, carry on."

We continued past each other, and I arrived at the recreation center thirty minutes prior to training.

I had never visited the recreation room, as it had no functionality for me. Its purpose has been explained to me, however. Should NERV be under siege by outside forces, those who remain inside the Geofront would be subject to long-term stress. The recreation room will alleviate that stress by diverting attention to festivities, dances and other occasions. The room itself is very large and devoid of objects, save for a grand piano and a sound system, to facilitate the nature of events held there.

It should be noted that Ikari was not present, "in the buff" or otherwise, when I arrived. Captain Katsuragi was likewise absent until fifteen minutes prior to training.

When she did arrive, a cacophony of noise accompanied her. "I just can't believe you used our dance and our song as a basis for this training exercise!"

Mister Kaji then entered the room stating, "Well, it's not like we were using it anyway. And seeing that it was the only dance I knew –"

Captain Katsuragi turned around, interrupting him. "There are probably a thousand different dances out there that'd be better suited for this!"

One of the corners of Mister Kaji's mouth turned upward. "That's not what you said yesterday. I think you're just jealous because they're starting off even better than we did. You know… we can show them how it's done…."

Captain Katsuragi took a step backward and shook one finger at Mister Kaji. "Lay a hand on me and they'll never find the body."

I felt it appropriate to speak at this juncture. "Captain Katsuragi, I am present," I decided to report.

The Captain diverted her attention quickly. "Oh, Rei! You're here… fifteen minutes early, no less."

"Can't commit a murder with a witness," Mister Kaji proclaimed melodically.

After delivering a blow to his solar plexus, Captain Katsuragi strode over to my position and said, "Well, Shinji and Asuka always get up at the last minute anyway." She placed some papers in my hands. "Here, these are the papers for the choreography and music. I want you to study them while they're dancing. I'll give you a signal to take the place of one of the pilots if need be."

"I understand."

I waited patiently while Captain Katsuragi and Mister Kaji exchanged harsh and relaxed whispers respectively. At fifteen minutes past seven Ikari and Soryu ran into the room.

"Sorry we're late, Misato," Ikari said between large intakes of breath, supporting his hands on his knees.

Soryu simply surveyed the room, and her eyes narrowed slightly when hers met mine.

Ikari noticed me as well, and his face faded to crimson. "Oh… uh, hi, Ayanami."

"All right, that's enough," Captain Katsuragi stated, intervening. "We're already behind as it is. Get into position."

In seconds Ikari and Soryu were standing in the middle of the floor, faces set in absolute concentration. As the music commenced I stood by Captain Katsuragi and studied the papers she gave me, comparing them in the training in session.

In the documents the co-ordination exercise appeared ideal for combating the seventh angel. The maneuvers facilitated simultaneous movements, and also could be readily adapted for combat.

However the attempts that Ikari and Soryu made were less than satisfactory. Both had their difficulties; Ikari moved more slowly but carefully in an effort to have every movement precise, and Soryu moved precisely but quickly, ignoring the need to keep pace with Ikari. A look of agitation remained constant on her features while Ikari's face seemed to be permanently cast in a shade of pink.

Whatever animosity remained between Captain Katsuragi and Mister Kaji dissolved after training commenced, and Mister Kaji leaned in close proximity to the Captain and inquired, "Is it just me, or are they even worse off than yesterday?"

Momentarily the Captain regarded me, and then turned back to Mister Kaji to state something that I could not hear over the music.

Mister Kaji smiled fully, showing teeth. "Well, they'll have to get used to her being here, then." And that was all.

After forty-eight repetitions of the session, Captain Katsuragi clapped her hands once and stopped the music. "All right, that's enough! Take a fifteen minute break or whatever."

Ikari immediately put his hands on his knees, gulping in great amounts of air. It appeared that his energy reserves were depleted. Soryu offered no assistance; she pulled her hair back over her shoulder.

I retrieved the bottle of electrolyte water and the towel and approached Ikari. Through his fatigue he attempted to look at me. "Ayanami?"

"I predicted that you would need some refreshment during the training session, Ikari, and purchased a beverage for this situation."

His face flushed as he took the beverage, but he opened up the container and sipped slowly, mindful as to not obtain muscle cramps in the near future.

As I watched Ikari drink my proffered beverage I felt a tightening sensation in my chest as if my heart was attempting to circulate blood a little too forcefully. And yet… it was not an unpleasant sensation.

Was this what Ikari feels when he commits an unselfish act?

Soryu regarded us with agitation, but then switched to her alternate personality as she said musically, "Oh, Mister Kaji, could you please get me some water and a towel?"

Mister Kaji's body stiffened, then he smiled and said, "You're a big girl, Asuka. I'm sure you can get it yourself."

A high pitched noise emitted from her throat - a "huff" I believe it is termed – then she declared "I'm going to go to the bathroom." She exited, leaving Ikari and I, and the Captain and Mister Kaji.

"So… uh, would you like to go out for a little bit?" Ikari requested, regarding the commanding officer in the distance.

For reasons unknown, I desired to be away from the Captain's constant gaze. "I would find it preferable," I stated.

We exited slowly; I matched Ikari's lethargic pace as we walked to the nearest exit. After the door closed behind us, Ikari supported his back against the hall way wall and respired slowly and evenly. "This training is going to be the death of me," he commented.

I blinked. "Was that an exaggeration?"

"Uh… yeah."

"I see… I was unsure, due to the extensive strain that your body is under and your co-habitation with pilot Soryu, whether the comment should be taken literally or not."

"Well, that's tru-" his sentence remained unfinished as the color disappeared from his face. "Wait, you know I was rooming with Asuka? Did Misato tell you that?"

"Captain Katsuragi informed me of the co-habitation protocol, yes."

"Does anyone else know?"

"To my knowledge, no one else has been informed."

His head impacted against the wall as he expelled a breath. "Whew… that's good."

I felt the breath seize in my lungs and I almost did not ask my next question. "Do you find living with pilot Soryu preferable?"

He looked at me, eyes enlarged, "What? No! I mean, well, I certainly wouldn't have volunteered for this if I didn't have to do it."

A portion of my being released some tension at the answer. "She is most disruptive."

"Yeah…" Ikari said, then he sipped a little more water. "But she reminds me a lot of you."

The statement was so incongruous to my beliefs that I felt disoriented. "What?"

"You and she have a lot in common, Ayanami. You guys didn't have parents when you were younger. You guys… well, don't really relate to a whole lot of people, and you both have a purpose tied to Eva and fighting."

"Our purposes…are similar?" I asked. I was still attempting to obliterate the aftereffects of his first statement.

"Yeah. She said she fights to defeat the angels, and gain everyone's respect for it so that she can be happy." He sipped a small amount of the water, his eyes downcast as if he were calculating a particularly difficult equation. "So… maybe we can give her a little space. Like us, she's gone through a lot."

I spent a moment to regard Ikari and examine the sensations that I feel in his presence. His actions are selfless and compassionate. He sheltered me before I could incur any more damage from the third angel, rescued Aida and Suzuhara during battle with the fourth, burned himself in concern for me after the battle with the fifth, gave this gift to me, and is presently offering sympathy for someone who has none for him. With such a personality it is common to reciprocate with positive sensations and emotions around that person.

Yet… what I feel for him appears to be more than the sum of his actions, or the totality of his parts. I cannot identify the emotion presently, and desire to know what this feeling is.

However, before I could explore that sensation further, I noticed that even after a period of relaxation Ikari was still perspiring profusely and his face was still flushed. I commented, "Ikari, you are showing signs of heat exhaustion." I took the water bottle from his hand and applied some water to the facial towel that I kept. I reached up to his face with the towel.

He attempted to bring his hand up to intercept mine. "Ayanami, it's okay. I can do it myself."

I guided his hand back down to his side. "You must reserve your strength for the training sessions ahead, Ikari. This is the most expedient way to give you relief."

After a moment, he relented.

As the washcloth closed the distance to his forehead, I was increasingly aware of sensations around me. I was aware of the coolness of the damp cloth in my hand. I could feel my rapid heartbeat in the hollow of my chest. I sensed the heat waves off of his body in close proximity to mine.

As the cloth was applied to his forehead and glided across his temples, I could feel the pulse under his skin beat in time with the pulse under my fingertips. Every contour of his face, separated from my touch by a mere piece of cloth.

I wondered what I would feel if the cloth was not present.

I did not get the chance to explore the possibility, as Ikari opened his eyes after I eliminated the perspiration and said "Thank you, Ayanami."

At that point the Captain entered the hallway. "Shinji, Asuka's back, and we should get a move on."

"All right Misato." And he turned away… but not before giving me a smile.

I made to follow, but the captain intervened. "Rei, thanks for sticking around and observing, but I don't think you should be around anymore for today. Asuka's getting irritated. " She smiled at me. "Don't worry. I'm not gonna try and break you up or anything. It's just that our two current pilots need all their marbles."

"Understood." Though I desired to stay, I could not countermand an order from a superior officer.

"Thanks to you, Shinji earned a bit of confidence today. Be proud of yourself," she said as the door closed behind her.

Proud? I was only adhering to a necessity. Ikari must not fail in his training, and I desire for him to survive, even if I do not understand the root of that desire yet.

But I will not be proud. Pride is for Soryu to experience, not me. But while I do not understand the second child, I will try.

For Shinji… I will try.

TBC

In manga number 4, Asuka asks "Why has the first- Ayanami – been watching us since yesterday?" This is the yesterday part of that statement.

No, I'm not gonna describe the dance in physical detail. It'd be a waste of time, because it really doesn't matter all that much to me.

Remember, this is when Asuka still has that whole nice façade thing going, so she's not gonna say anything mean to Shinji or Rei while the grown-ups are around. She did try to one-up Shinji with Kaji, though.

I hope you guys liked the "touch" part of the entry. Rei's reasons for wiping down his face may be valid, but they're also flimsy. And they are like that for a reason that might not even be known to Rei. And I hoped the introspection on the R/S relationship sated your hunger, GroveWolf. It's still gonna go slow, though, so be patient.

Preread by Andrew Joshua Talon and PhilG. ShinobiCyrus' computer is having technical difficulties (our wellwishes go with him), and I haven't heard back from Marine Brother Shran, so this is still a working copy.


	9. Entry 8: Harmony

_While such technology would marvel an outsider, it was common knowledge to NERV employees and indeed ordinary citizens of Tokyo 3 that the underground Geofront was illuminated by sunlight, transferred down from the towering skyscrapers of the surface city by a series of ultra-reflective mirrors. The corresponding underground towers would then project the light along the border of the Geofront to give a semblance of sunrise when the sunrays first hit the mirrors in the morning and a simulation of a sunset as the light extinguished in the evening._

_So a golden ring seemed to wrap around the horizon of the Geodome and the lights of the overhanging towers twinkled like subterranean stars as Rei approached her new favorite spot – the domed canopy the stood among ivory columns, crystal fountains, and luscious trees. It was a dreamscape brought to life, and for once Rei felt completely at home as she sat on the steps of the canopy and started to write…_

I believe I am experiencing trepidation regarding the events predicted for tomorrow. Soryu and Ikari are still not in harmony with each other, and although I have exerted all possible influence, it may not have been sufficient enough to persuade Soryu to co-operate with Ikari. And despite my desire to do more, I cannot.

It would be regrettable for us to perish in the next attack, as I am anticipating dancing with Ikari in the future. It appears that synchronization techniques result in insights into the mind. I discovered this aspect of dancing in this fashion:

Events occurred in the same manner as the preceding day, although I chose to arrive precisely at seven rather than arrive early. Another discrepancy was when Ikari smiled briefly as he noticed that I was present, although his face still flushed.

It was after the fortieth recital of the exercise, when Captain Katsuragi clapped her hands together and stopped the music, that events changed. "Okay, stop!" Ikari and Soryu halted and returned to resting positions.

The Captain directed her comments to Ikari first, agitated at his performance. "Shinji, pay attention to the music! You're still being too self-conscious."

He appeared contrite, as if he were in the wrong rather than committing his entire will to the effort. It was a behavior that I had not observed from him before, not even when Commander Ikari was reprimanding him. "O-okay, sorry."

Captain Katsuragi then faced Soryu. To ensure that she had the Second Child's attention she indicated, "Asuka."

Soryu's body shifted, as if she was unsure as to what was in error. "Yes…"

The Captain's voice rose drastically in volume, as if the sheer decibel strength could instill her comments within Soryu's head. "How many times do I have to tell you not to leave Shinji behind! Try to synchronize your pace with Shinji's!"

Soryu turned her face away from the Captain's. "You can't be serious!" she then placed one hand on her torso to indicate herself while directing another hand outward. "Why should I have to lower myself to that idiot's level! Shouldn't _he_ be getting in synch with _me_?"

While her argument had validity, the Second's demands were unrealistic. Under optimum conditions it would be necessary that Ikari gain Soryu's level of skill. But considering the Angels awaken from their dormancy tomorrow, the priority is on harmony and co-ordination rather than enhancement of capabilities.

It was rather disheartening that the Second Child did not comprehend this.

But perhaps her focus was elsewhere, for she glanced in my direction before turning her face away. "Besides, why has the First – Ayanami – been watching us since yesterday? She's distracting me! How am I supposed to concentrate?"

The Captain exhaled sharply through her nose before stating, "Rei."

I gave her my full attention. "Yes, ma'am?"

The Captain used her thumb to point behind her, where Soryu was standing. "Could you try for a sec instead of Asuka?"

"Yes, ma'am." I drew myself away from the wall and took my place beside Ikari. When Captain Katsuragi gave the signal, we crouched as one into the ready position.

To synchronize is to act as one, to think as one, to be as one. To this end I emulated Ikari's thoughts. As I readied myself into position I became the echo to Ikari's voice, the beacon of his thoughts, and this is what I ascertained while I danced with him:

_Dance with Ayanami? What's Misato thinking? I'm probably gonna mess up and then Asuka will laugh at me. Rei probably won't laugh, but she'll be disappointed. What's the point of all this if I fail anyway? I wish I were strong enough to get through this. If mom were still alive, I'd probably be able to pilot better than Asuka! But dad killed her. I hate him. If he had stayed with me, I could have forgiven him. But then he killed mom, and then left me all alone. That's why I hate him._

While I was distracted in Ikari's thoughts, Captain Katsuragi said a few low words to Soryu, who then snapped sharply, "Fine! Why not just send her in _my_ Unit Two?"

With that parting statement she exited quickly and the music halted. Ikari broke his rhythm at the disruption, calling after her.

Captain Katsuragi clutched her head as if she were suffering from the onset of a migraine. "Oh, God – we don't have time for this! So much for the jealousy gambit!"

While the Captain focused on her agony, Mister Kaji redirected his attention on Ikari. "Shinji, what are you doing? Go after Asuka."

The breath seized in my lungs at those words. Had we not established that we were successful in synchronization?

After that brief moment of impulse I recalled that Unit Zero is still under repair and I would only marginally be able to engage the Angel.

Mister Kaji simply smiled at Ikari and told him, "This is your job, too."

For a moment Ikari stood and then made his decision. He started to walk toward the door.

I heard myself call after him. "Ikari."

He turned around, his face attentive. "Yes, Ayanami?"

My face warmed of its own accord as I spoke. "I … would not be adverse to another dance."

His face turned crimson as he responded, "Sh-sure. Some other time, though, okay?" After I nodded my assent, he exited.

I turned to the Captain, who was still intoning to herself in a low voice, and inquired, "If my presence is no longer required, may I be excused?"

"Yeah, sure, whatever," was the response. Apparently, the Captain was still preoccupied with the current events.

I exited, but instead of returning to my apartment complex as I had originally intended I decided to follow Ikari at a distance. I desired to ensure that no harm would come to him in the presence of Soryu, but simultaneously I understood the value of discretion in this delicate matter.

Our journey led us outside the NERV pyramid and onto the grounds of the Geofront, and was finalized in a small enclave that was, in a word, beautiful. Columns and shrubs bordered a crystal-clear fountain and embraced a domed canopy, under which Soryu was sitting. A cool, consistent breeze circulated the air, relieving me of residual fatigue and heat from dance, while the scent of cut grass cleared my senses. The trickle of water emitting from the fountain provided clarity to my mind, allowing me to focus on the task at hand.

I did not desire to reveal my presence to either of the two pilots, so I placed myself out of the line of vision, with my back to a column that was within proximity of listening. If the conversation escalated, I would have been in a position to prevent any physical confrontation. While I did not see the conversation, their tone indicated their feelings on the matter.

Ikari initiated conversation with hesitation, saying "Soryu."

Soryu's tone was sharp as she interrupted with a barrage of questions. "What do you want? Why did you follow me?"

Ikari said, "sorry," in what appeared to be an attempt to placate the Second Child.

A moment of silence passed, and then Soryu stated with rising tone and volume, "Why am I the one to get yelled at? I'm doing it perfectly! You're the bumbling klutz. You're the slowpoke! Why take it out on me!"

Ikari again sounded contrite as he stated, "I'm sorry…. I'm doing my best, really."

A pause, then "Soryu, maybe you should just relax. Sure, you're good at EVA piloting, and you've graduated from college already, but you're still just a kid, just like everyone else."

At the last statement, Soryu yelled, "Are you trying to give me advice?"

Unexpectedly, Ikari did not panic, nor did he raise his tone. Instead he said placidly, "Advice? Not really. But don't you get tired of it? Pretending you're little miss goody shoes in front of Misato or Kaji; it's unnatural. You don't have to force yourself-"

"Oh, SHUT UP! SHUT UP, SHUT UP, **SHUT UP!** You have no right to say this to me! Who do you think you are?"

I almost intervened at the timbre of her voice. It appeared that their conversation was dangerously bordering violence. But Ikari spoke yet again, in a quiet, somber tone.

"No one, apparently."

Soryu's reply was markedly absent.

"I'm sorry, Asuka." He managed again. "It's just…I understand what you're going through. I used to be that way too."

Soryu retorted, "You? Understand me? What a laugh!"

There was no sound for a time, save for Soryu's irregular breathing. Finally, Ikari spoke. "Sorry. I'll go back now."

Long after Ikari's steps faded away, I stepped out and noted that Soryu, while not facing me, had not followed after him. Her posture seemed resolute – she did not move in light of her personal preferences, regardless to the threatagainst the city.

A sensation constricted my throat and my blood felt like it was burning in my veins, provoked by the thought of Soryu's inaction in such a crises.

It appeared that more than Ikari's intervention was required to move the Second Child to action.

I stepped forward, and stated, "Pilot Soryu."

She turned around rapidly. "Oh, look who it is! It's the First! Mocking me like everyone else! Come to gloat over your victory?"

"I do not grasp your meaning of 'victory'," I replied coolly. "And I do not gloat. I came to understand your behavior."

Her eyes narrowed at me, and a low rumbling came from her throat. "And what would a puppet like you want to know about behavior?"

I resisted the urge to object the statement – it would have distracted me from my true goal. "I do not understand how you can care for Mister Kaji and yet take no measures to protect him."

A curt laugh emitted from her mouth. "And what would you know about caring?"

"Simply because I do not display it as readily as you does not mean I do not care for people here. I know that anything short of complete victory against the Angels will most likely destroy those that I care for."

"Thanks for the news update, First. I know that already."

I quelled my initial response and told her, "If Ikari engages the Angel by himself, he – and everyone else – will perish; I currently find the death of others undesirable. Therefore, if you choose not to participate, then I will be forced to operate in your stead.

"Repairs for Unit Zero are incomplete, and we have not had time to initiate a start-up test. Therefore the possibility of success is negligible. But it exists when compared to the absolute defeat Ikari will face if he combats the Angel by himself. I would protect Pilot Ikari at any cost, and if you care for Mister Kaji, you would do the same."

Having nothing left to say, I turned to leave. I did pause, however, as a final thought came to me. "Even if we do fail to protect the city, I will at least have some measure of victory because Shinji will not have died alone."

With that, I have done all in my power to ensure that Soryu and Ikari will work together. But tomorrow will determine whether humanity will continue to exist…or cease to be.

TBC

I know what you guys are probably asking. Can Rei actually read minds when she dances in my fic? Actually, what she sees as "synchronization" is actually a rudimentary form of profiling. The idea for Rei profiling Shinji during the dance came about when Anomaly27 (before changing his name and going to ground) commented that the reason why he didn't like Rei (and why a lot of fanboys did) is because Rei has no personality and is therefore open to interpretation to anyone. Does she hate Shinji? She slaps him in the Anime, so why not? Does she love Shinji? That "One with Ikari" offers a clue. Does she love Gendo? She spends a lot of time with him off camera, so that's a possibility. Because she's such a blank slate (according to Anomaly27), any author that tries to write her will simply "echo" his preferences through her. Personally, I disagree. I think that her personality has some guidelines as to what she likes and dislikes, etc. But if Rei herself registered consciously that she was a blank slate… then she can use that as a tool to get into anyone's head. And that's where the synchronization telepathy comes in. (After all, to synchronize that well with someone on a first time, you can't just _follow_ them – you have to react _with_ them)

I never was quite convinced that Shinji's one conversation with Asuka convinced her to come back. And then Asuka says so resolutely during their late night training session, "We're going to show Misato and the First!" As if Rei, rather than just doing her job, was snubbing her by dancing with Shinji. So I think the behind-the-scenes confrontation fit in well. And it just might have lasting repercussions.

A clarification that needs to be made, since other people may be confused: this is the same garden in manga volume 8, when Rei visits this garden and says "I didn't know this place was on the grounds." I've altered canon a little bit, so that she follows Shinji to these grounds in volume 4. As you can guess, when we get to that scene in volume 8, she probably going to say something along the lines of "Even though I have visited this place many times, I still find it beautiful."

And I must thank you loyal readers. I've reached 100 reviews and 13,000 hits, and we've just got out of the fourth manga. There wasn't even a lot of R/Sness in this yet. Believe me, fifth volume is gonna heat up the love-love action a lot!

This is the last entry for the fourth volume, by the way. For some reason or another, Rei wasn't present for the angel battle. I guess I'll have her sleep in or something.

And on a final note, I've joined up with the brand-spanking-new Area 402 forums, since they were the first to list my story on their website. If you register as forum members at area402(dot)mahoutsukai(dot)net, and ask me very nicely via PM, I just might send you a preview a future entry. :-D

Preread by ShinobiCyrus (Who's altered the manga canon slightly). I'd tell Andrew to hurry up with prereading, but he's telling me to hurry up with the next chapter of "Inside the Plugsuit," so we're mutually sluggish. And PhilG does a pretty good preread, but usually submits it on the weekend. So, take your time guys! This chapter can always be revised.

**(The Shinobi says: Turns out the floppy drive is on the fritz. Go figure. Tiny, prancing unicorns goring the hard drive would have been cooler.)**


	10. Entry 9: Dissolution

_It was well past midnight when Rei walked into her apartment. Slowly she shed her clothes, leaving her articles in a trail until she was wearing just her shirt and her undergarments. The notebook dangled loosely from her fingertips; she placed it on her dresser drawer's top, so that she could write in the morning._

_But her mind, though fatigued, would not let her sleep with all the reflections and unidentifiable emotions buzzing through her head. She tossed and turned, unable to tune out her thoughts. Finally, she relented. She sat up and scooted over to the end of the bed closest to her dresser drawer to stretch out and grab the notebook. Once she clutched it in her hands she nestled it on the pillow and, after flipping herself on her stomach and propping herself on her elbows, she started to write._

Although it has been my purpose to pilot EVA, I have discovered that it is not favorable to spend extended periods in the entry plug. It is intriguing, since I have never had a conscious opinion about EVA in general until now.

The activation trials for Unit One commenced without anomalous events occurring. While I waited for LCL to be injected into the plug, the Lieutenants seated at the Pribnow box were discussing this morning's defeat of the angel. Lieutenant Ibuki asked over the intercom, _"Say, Ayanami, why weren't you here for the angel attack? I thought you'd be here at least for standby measures."_

"The attack occurred in the early morning," I responded. "By the time I awoke it was almost noon."

_"And no one called you in? That's odd._"

"Apparently Commander Ikari did not deem it necessary to summon me."

_"Oh."_ There was a pause over the intercom. "_Did you have a hard time sleeping last night?"_

My thoughts drifted back to the images that plagued my vision the night before...

-The city in ruins

-The pair of angels standing triumphant

-A dismembered Unit Two

-A disemboweled Unit One, its entry plug crushed

"Yes, I did." That was when I noticed that the entry plug had begun to fill with LCL. The test had begun.

Procedures went as planned, until Lieutenant Ibuki announced approaching absolute borderline in three-two-one.

At that moment, I began to feel odd. It was not an external or physical sensation. The feeling seemed to come from inside me.

I will admit that I am not accustomed to using abstract terms and descriptions. And yet during this occurrence these are the only tools at my disposal to write about my experience. I will attempt to recreate the feeling using what words I know:

It was as if I was sinking into a bottomless ocean, unable to halt my descent. And as I was sinking, I could feel my form, my sense of self, dissolving and being replaced by something other than me. And that something was waiting in the darkness below, waiting for me to fall into its hulking form.

Doctor Akagiís voice banished the illusion, although the sensation still lingered. _"How does it feel, Rei, to be in Unit One after so long?"  
_

I said the first thought on my mind. "It smells like Ikari."

The remainder of Unit One's activation test occurred as expected, although I was especially mindful not to trigger any more encounters with the Presence. It also appeared to not desire another confrontation, although I discerned a Will behind it that was far stronger than mine.

After finalizing the test, I returned to the locker room to redress into my normal clothes. As I finished, I noticed the cell phone, one of the last articles on the locker's floor, flashing with an unattended message. I was curious; only NERV employees had the number, and its primary purpose was to summon me to headquarters. Because I was already present, there was no reason to call. I activated the messaging system.

And heard Ikari's voice amidst copious ambient noise: _"Hi, Ayanami, it's me, Shinji. I, uh, just wanted to know if you were free this evening. Asuka's moving in and Misato got promoted to Major, and so Kensuke's grilling some dinner to celebrate. Well, anyways, if you get this message, just know that you can come over and join us, all right?"_

Major Katsuragiís voice could be heard in the distance: _"Oh Shinji, just who are you talking to? Some cute girl?"_

Soryu's voice then drifted in. _"Probably the First. He's got a huge crush on her."_

Suzuhara: _"Yo man, wuzzup wid dat? Livin' wit Soryu, and speakin' ta Ayanami? Ya playin' both sides?"_

Ikari protested, _"No, no! It's nothing like that!"_

Again, Major Katsuragi _"Oh, but you want it to be..."_

The transmission then cut off.

I held the phone in front of me looking at the glowing display that cradled Ikari's number. I am not fond of large gatherings of people or strident noise, but being in such a setting with Shinji was...appealing.

I pocketed the cell phone and lastly clipped the notebook to my waist. I decided that I would go to Major Katsuragi's apartment, if only for a brief visit. The door to the hallway opened as I approached.

To reveal Commander Ikari impeding my progress. He looked down at me and declared, "The repairs to Unit Zero have been completed, Rei. Your activation test begins in fifteen minutes. Be ready by then."

I realized my eyes were opened wider than before, and forced them into a more manageable size. "But sir, I..."

"'But' what, Rei?"

I keyed the voicemail and handed the phone to him. He put the phone to his ear and listened, his expression unreadable.

A long moment passed after the message ended. Then the Commander pushed the 'End' button and handed the phone back to me. "We are running every conceivable test during the reactivation of Unit Zero to ensure that there are no more complications. The tests will conclude at 0200 hours. I do not expect you will be able to be join your fellow pilots."

"Yes, sir." I said, and I realized I accentuated the honorific far more forcefully than I would have liked, I turned away, but I did not hear the hiss of the door behind me.

I heard Commander Ikari's voice follow after me, "The water in your building will be shut off at four in the afternoon, three days from now. After the renovation, there will no need for you to look for water outside your apartment." Then I finally heard the door hiss shut.

By all reason, Commander Ikari's orders are valid. Unit Zero should be tested in order to verify that it would not get out of control in a simulation run, or even more hazardous, on the battlefield. Yet, I find my feelings toward the command colored with resentment, because I am denied a life that other people have experienced.

And although he has raised me and sacrificed much for me, I find that resentment extending to the Commander for the very same reason.

The reactivation tests were performed nominally, but they were tiring and time consuming. It was unfortunate that I was unable to attend the celebration, but nothing could be done. I also do not expect to attend school tomorrow, as my performance will be undermined by fatigue. Perhaps I will ask Ikari the day after how his celebration went.

TBC.

Author's notes: This chapter's short, and so will the next, but they will come out quickly. It's just how the entries are written, I suppose. Not much to say.

The first half of this entry was inspired by putting Rei into Unit 01, but the next was inspired by Shinji saying while making tea at Rei's place, "We called to invite you over, but you didn't answer the phone." Why exactly Rei didn't answer the phone in the manga is a mystery, but this was my take on it.

Things will progress well. The next entry will be recognizable to any R/S fan worth her salt: Tea at apartment 402 with Shinji, and it should come out on Tuesday, barring any unforeseen disasters.

Thanks to Shinobi Cyrus and Andrew J Talon for the prereads! And Phil G, there's no rush. Take your time editing - we want the chapters to be their very best in their final drafts!


	11. Entry 10: Error

_As soon as the door to Apartment 402 clicked shut, Rei slid to the floor, her back to the door, trying to catch her breath after spending hours of her time combing the city for her target. She could very well have called Section Two to assist her in her search, but they couldn't be bothered with such trivialities._

_After a long period of recuperation she staggered to her feet and did some chores, starting with the ones closest in proximity. First, she replaced the lid on the tin box of tea, which had been sitting out in the open for hours on end. Then she turned off the stove on her countertop and took a rag to gingerly mop up the water that over boiled from the kettle. Indifferent to the fate of the rag, she tossed it in the sink._

_Next she went into the bedroom and delicately picked up off the floor a scooper spoon that was used to hold tea. After dumping the remains into a trash bin, she put the spoon in the sink to wash later. She scooped up the scattered tealeaves on the floor into a duster, and dropped them into a garbage can._

_Finally she came upon the notebook, which was lying open, cover up, exactly where it was when she ran out the door. She paused here, at an impasse; a part of her wanted to throw it out the window for creating such a disturbance in her life. But a larger part knew that the notebook had become so engrained in her daily routine that she could not live without one._

_She sat down cross-legged and drew the notebook into her lap. Then she started to write, heedless of the pain she felt..._

I believe I have created an error. I do not know how or what caused such an event to take place, so distorted are my thoughts at the moment. I simply wish that I could unmake the events that occurred today.

It was afternoon when I awoke to the sound of knocking on the door. The doorbell was still disabled and the Commander simply intrudes when he wishes. My mind was still disoriented at the lack of sleep, so I arose and opened the door, asking, "What is it?"

Mind numbed by lack of sleep, I was slightly slower in realizing that Ikari was standing at the door.

He retreated slightly. "Oh, I'm sorry. Were you sleeping?"

Although his politeness was unwarranted, it was still appealing. "The restart test took all night," I replied as I wearily rubbed my eyes.

A smile grew on his face. "Unit Zero is fixed, then! I'm happy for you!"

Although he detests piloting his Unit, he knows that EVA is one of the mainstays for my purpose, and so feels happiness when that purpose is restored. Is that the meaning of compassion? To feel joy and sorrow with others?

Perhaps, then, I do not have enough compassion.

I acknowledged his statement with a "yes," once I realized that he was waiting for a confirmation of his last observation.

After a moment, he looked down and the smile vanished from his face. "Here," he said in a much more subdued tone, "these are all the handouts."

He turned away, recovering a smaller smile than that which blossomed on his face before. "Get some rest. Sorry I woke you up."

As he turned away, I felt something compel me to delay him for just a moment of his time. I heard myself ask, "Why don't you come in for a while?"

He turned around, surprised at the request, and for an instant I thought he would refuse.

Then he said, "Oh, okay."

I opened the door wider to allow him entrance and went inside, certain that he would follow. Along the way I retrieved the clothes from the floor and put them away; I abruptly felt extremely discomforted by their presence. "I apologize for the disorder in the room." After procuring a chair and moving it to the center of the room, I declared, "You may sit if you wish. I will prepare some tea."

After making all necessary preparations, I waited for the water to boil on the heating element and began to reflect on Ikari's mannerisms, and my reactions to them.

I feel different in Ikari's presence. More self-aware, more self-conscious of my mannerisms. Yet I am not discomforted by these alterations; in fact, because of them I wish to acquire more time around him. And the most appealing aspect is that he does not appear to mind.

The water came to a boil, whistling out of the pot and jolting my train of thought. That moment was when I realized that I did not know what amount of tea leaves to utilize in order to make proper tea. I picked up the box of Earl Grey and attempted to read the instructions, but they were in English, a language in which I was not fluent. "How many tea leaves do you use to make tea?" I asked. Ikari did not respond; since he was in the other room, I assumed that he did not hear me.

"I have tea here, but I've never made tea," I observed in a louder tone, wishing for some manner of reply. Again, no response.

I scooped out a sizable amount of tea leaves with the spoon inside the box and walked into the main room, intending on asking Ikari for his advice. "Ikari, is this much the proper amount?"

I found him standing up with my notebook in his hand.

I do not recall dropping the spoon on the ground.

I do not recall running over to him.

I do not recall ripping the notebook out of his hands.

All I can remember is that I was holding the spoon in my hand, and looking at Ikari, and then there was a clatter. In the next instant I was facing him, the notebook clutched in one hand while I felt a stinging sensation in the other.

It was in the next moment when I noticed the bruise rapidly forming on Ikari's cheek that I realized what I had done.

Ikari broke the silence with a stutter. "S-sorry... the notebook was open and well, I was curious...sorry..." Avoiding my eyes, he turned and grabbed his satchel, and began to run.

"Wait!" I said, but he must not have heard, because he exited all the same.

I could not have followed after him immediately in my state of undress, so I hastily put on what clothes I could find before exiting.

He was not in the hallway, nor was he in the vicinity of the complex. He was not at Major Katsuragi's apartment, and he was not at NERV. I searched the entire city desiring with the utmost hope to encounter him, although I did not know what to say to him I had actually managed to find him.

It was of no consequence, for Ikari was as intangible as the wind. I have failed today, but perhaps tomorrow I will be able to find him and discover what both our errors were.

TBC?

Author's notes: Wholly $! I killed the R/S and derailed the manga, the bible of all R/Sness! I can no longer live. Good-bye, cruel world:runs all the way to San Diego Bay Bridge and jumps off and takes a shotgun blast to the head while falling:

Preread by ShinobiCyrus, Andrew J Talon, and PhilG

**(ShinobiCyrus: Dummy. _That's _not the way to kill yourself. You must do it properly: the ritual suicide of _sepuku! _You disembowel yourself, and I'll quickly cut your head off. After all, what are friends for?)**


	12. Entry 11: Reconciliation

_Wispy clouds dappled the deep blue sky over Tokyo 3 as Rei walked the city streets. On most days citizens and passersby ignored her, having grown accustomed to the girl's presence. This time, however, they stared after, enthralled by her shift in attitude. A smile graced her features, to be sure, but the product was so infinitesimally small that it would have taken an observer of the highest order to spot her expression. No, it was the other change that stunned everyone with in earshot for moments after she passed by._

_Rei was humming._

_It was no song in particular; a tune borne from her mind and gently put to flight. The tone was soft and low, yet carried impossibly far in the mild breeze. The song had no set pattern or intent, and yet the people who heard it were immediately enraptured with a vision of their mothers bathing them while joyfully humming a similar tune. For the remainder of the day these people would be infused with the warmth of contentment until they finally shut their eyes in sleep._

_But Rei barely noticed any of this as she headed toward a park. Like a bluebird coming to a tree to roost, she was looking for sanctuary, somewhere unobtrusive where she could reflect on recent events. She found it in a wooded grove, stashed away in the forest with a bench and a solitary trickling fountain to decorate the natural chamber._

_As her meandering tune matched the rhythm of the fountain's trickle, she sat down at the bench facing the fountain, closing her eyes for a moment to bask in the warmth of sunlight streaming on her face. Then as the moment passed, she turned to a new page in her notebook._

When I arose this morning to fulfill the Commander's requirements I did not anticipate upcoming events to be pleasant. Today was the anniversary of the death of Yui Ikari, the Commander's wife. Because of this occasion, I am expected to accompany him on his way to NERV after his yearly visit to the graveyard. And despite the recent catastrophes that have distracted me, I rose and arrived at the VTOL in a timely fashion. I did not wish to disappoint the Commander; his behavior can be particularly unpredictable during this period. It is why he prefers to remain solitary for the period that he visits the grave of his wife.

That was why I was unprepared to see Ikari speaking with the Commander as the VTOL landed.

I averted my eyes quickly, sensing my heart beat faster of its own accord. I was not yet ready to converse Ikari, although I knew I will need to face him eventually.

I began to consider the various ways of initiating a conversation with Ikari as the Commander entered the VTOL. I chanced one more glance out the viewport as the VTOL rose, to see that Ikari had collapsed on the grave in emotional exhaustion.

For some reason, watching him as we departed seemed to dehydrate my mouth and throat, so I turned away from the window and focused on the Commander.

When he saw that he had my attention he asked with slightly upturned lips, "How are things, Rei? How do you feel?"

"No problems, sir. I am going to school tomorrow and I am scheduled to see Doctor Akagi the day after that."

"And school? How is it?"

I looked toward the cockpit to see the pilots of the VTOL carefully adjusting the heading. "No problems," I answered.

"Are you sure?"

"Sir?" The sudden deviation in conversation returned my focus to the Commander once again. A downward crescent had replaced the half-smile that he was wearing earlier.

"Are you certain there are no problems, Rei? You seem to have been preoccupied, of late." The expression on his face informed me that he would brook no fabrication.

I turned to face him and informed him, "Sir, there are no problems occurring in or around school, or within NERV, or within the vicinity of NERV. Should one arise, I would inform you, Sub-commander Fuyutsuki, or Doctor Akagi immediately."

Nodding with satisfaction, Commander Ikari closed the conversation as he gazed distantly out the viewport.

It was the first, and hopefully last lie that I have told the Commander.

Although it pained me to lie to the Commander and deliberately disobey him, I also realize that if I had told the Commander the true reason for my disquiet he would have devoted an unnecessary amount of time and resources to resolving the issue, when I could achieve a similar or superior solution on my own. By lying and placating the Commander I still have direct control of the situation, and will still be able to minimize the consequences.

After the VTOL landed at the NERV helipad, I arrived at the school without incident. I entered the classroom and was not surprised to see the students focusing on writing on the forms in front of them; today was the day of midterms.

I took a test from the teacher's desk and sat down at my seat. The subject of the exam, appropriately enough, was post-impact history. Despite the inaccuracy of the majority of information, I was able to answer the questions appropriately.

The sole disruption came from Ikari, who entered near the midpoint of the test. While the teacher narrowed his eyes at the disturbance he made no comment as Ikari took one of the remaining forms. During the exam it was apparent that Ikari was moving at a much slower pace than the others and he would occasionally stop. I do not believe he finished in the time allotted.

After the exam was finished, I took the opportunity to observe Ikari and the classmates to whom he was closest. Ikari's behavior was passively static, all motivation sapped from his body. Suzuhara and Aida had noticed his placid state and were actively avoiding him, unwilling or unable to assist in resolving his issues. Soryu conversed with representative Hokari, heedless of Ikari's condition. And I, who was responsible for his distress, was merely sitting at my desk.

The situation could not continue.

I rose from my desk and proceeded to Ikari's position. Because the problem involved just the two of us, I briefly ensured we were outside other students' hearing range before asking, "Ikari?"

Perhaps he did not see me, because he jumped slightly in his seat. "Ayanami?" Was all he said.

I did not expect my words to lodge into my throat. It was such a struggle to speak, but I had carefully rehearsed this moment to myself; I was sure to maintain my composure. "If you have no other obligations, I would wish to speak with you on the rooftop in a few minutes."

Ikari appeared suprised I was speaking to him; his response was an uncertain stammer. "Uh...sure, Rei."

"Then I shall see you there."

After gathering my lunch I made my way toward the roof, and in a few moments Ikari joined me. Although the heat of the sun would have elevated temperatures greatly, a cooling breeze prevented the heat from reaching uncomfortable levels. Ikari walked passed me and braced himself on the railing, unwilling to meet my eyes.

After a minute I realized that although I had approached Ikari, I did not know how to proceed from there. Simply inviting him up had been difficult enough, and I had little experience resolving issues with others. My contact with people was limited, as was my understanding of them. This was becoming more difficult than I had expected.

Then the atmosphere shifted.

It was unusual and confusing, as if there was sensation _above_ sensation, more than hot or cold, more than dark or light. I myself had experienced these sensations before, but this time it was coming from outside me. The closest source was Ikari, who was radiating this new sensation as if he were a heating element on full power. It felt similar to what I feel whenever I recall the initial activation test when Unit Zero went out of control, or when I think about being replaced.

It was then that I understood what the sensation was; it was fear, but not my own.

Ikari's fear radiated from him like hazardous waves. The shame and guilt of reading my notebook; terrified I now hated him. His sense of rejection began settled painfully in his chest. So much sorrow spilled from him, the air was thick with it; I feared he would drown in it.

I was the cause of this. It is my responsibility to resolve this. Thankfully, I have often seen this done when Lieutenant Ibuki mediates an argument with one of the other Lieutenants. She poses informally near the Lieutenant in question and begins discussing subjects that are loosely associated with the conflict at hand.

I stepped forward and joined Ikari at the rail, looking outward at the expanse of Tokyo 3 instead of at him, and said, "Are you still injured from the day before, Ikari?"

"N-no…I'm fine, really."

I felt my abdomen relax. I did not even realize it was tense. "That is good to hear," I confessed. "I am not angry with you, Ikari. But yesterday... seeing you with the notebook...it...frightened me."

"Frightened you?"

Turning toward him, I unclipped the notebook and rested it in my palm. "Ikari, you gave me this. It was your gift. But when I began to write in it- to fill it- it became a part of me I never knew I had."

"A part of you?" Ikari repeated, most likely not comprehending. It was difficult to explain.

"This notebook is I. It is an aspect that no one else sees, not even the Commander. It is a private, secret place within me, a place allowed to no one without the trust I have given them."

Ikari's eyes darkened, unable to to meet mine. I almost choked his regret and self-loathing. "I-I'm so sorry, Ayanami...I-"

I shook my head. "You could never have known," I assured him. "I believe it is me who should be apologizing. I am sorry, Ikari."

We both stood awkwardly at the rail fencing the rooftop, and for a moment we both looked out onto Tokyo 3's skyline before I enquired, "What did you read from it?"

"J-just that, well... that you're not really happy with parties, I guess."

"I see."

His head tilted downwards. "I don't know what got into me, Ayanami. Next time, I won't look."

The next sentiment I expressed aloud, feeling the desire to voice the thought, yet somehow apprehensive as to whether Ikari heard it. "Perhaps one day I will let you read it."

Ikari gave no indication whether he heard or not. Instead, he asked, "So... what are we?"

"What are we?" I repeated, not quite understanding.

He looked at me for emphasis. "Are we more than just classmates and EVA pilots, Ayanami? Less? What are we to each other?"

I reflected on all the moments we have shared together; on several occasions, he has prevented harm to come to me, and I in turn have assisted and protected him. We do seem to share a connection, although what the nature of that bond is still eludes me. It seems to be a positive influence, because I have experienced happiness because of him. I feel more alive, more whole because of him.

Major Katsuragi made comments along similar aspects regarding her friendship with Doctor Akagi in a discussion with Lieutenant Ibuki: 'Yeah, well, Ritsuko and I may beat each other up sometimes, but we help each other out too, ya know? She helped me get this job, in fact. We've been through a lot together, through college on up, and I really don't know where I'd be without here. I think I'd feel like half a person."

With the Major's words hanging in my mind, I announced to Ikari: "We are friends."

Ikari looked at me in askance. "We are?"

"Yes."

A small chuckle emitted from his throat, and his eyes crinkled in amusement. "All right then."

"All right." However, in that moment, I recalled Ikari's interactions with Suzuhara and Aida, and noticed that an aspect of their friendship could be applied to ours. "Since we are friends...would it not be more appropriate to call you 'Shinji'?"

Half a smile formed on his lips as he said, "Only if I get to call you Rei."

"All right... Shinji." It disturbed me somewhat, how comfortable it was to say his name in the familiar form. It was as if I was calling him by his name all my life.

Our words exhausted, I sat down on the ground, opened my bento and started to eat my meal of tofu, rice, assorted vegetables, and miso soup. I heard a noise from above, and looked up to see Shinji's eyes wide with surprise. "What is it?"

"N-nothing, really. It's just that, well... is that all you eat?" he asked quickly.

"It is all I know how to cook, but it is enough," I replied. "It does not taste unpleasant, and I cannot consume meat. Thus, this has been -and will be- my afternoon meal for the day."

Unexpectedly, Shinji's expression transformed from timid surprise to set determination. "Rei, is it all right if I can come over to your house, say tomorrow afternoon? I want to try and do things right this time."

I nodded my assent, and he smiled one last time before saying, "All right. I'll see you around, Rei." and taking his leave.

That one phrase triggered a realization; he accepted my apology, forgave me in turn, and cemented an amicable relationship between us. With his request, I am assured that tomorrow will bring ever more promise. While I will have to prepare for his arrival, I nevertheless have to admit to some anticipation to the day ahead when we can reconvene correctly.

But most of all, something else came from all of this:

I was happy.

TBC

Author's notes: I should have predicted after I derailed the manga that this installment would give me trouble. Perhaps it was the fact that finals wiped out my energy reserves or something, but nothing that I wrote seemed to put Rei in character. So I apologize for the lateness. I am still sticking to my one chapter a week plan, though.

Formerly, this entry was going to have Rei writing 'Shinji' instead of 'Ikari' throughout the whole chapter, since they've already reconciled and determined to call each other by first names, it stands to reason that she would write his first name in the notebook after the fact as well. Makes sense, no? But then it would have ruined the suspense of seeing whether they DID reconcile this chapter. Andrew and ShinobiCyrus both agreed that I should utilize Ikari until they meet up, though Cyrus feels that the reason why she would utilize Ikari would be because she's not used to saying his first name yet while Andrew thinks that Rei would want to keep her thought processes accurate. I went with Andrew's explanation, because it's adherent to the character that I'm trying to sculpt in Rei.

For those of you thinking that Rei lying to Gendo OOC, you're probably right. But then, she also wouldn't want him to needlessly spend time and energy rubbing out a problem that she could manage on her own. Or perhaps she's actually becoming her own person?

The midterm in Tokyo 3 has nothing to do with my taking finals. If you read Manga 5, Kensuke says 'Two more days and we hit midterms.' They had the party that night, and the next day Shinji went over to Rei's house to drop off the papers for the homework she's missed. The day after that would be midterms, not covered in the manga but covered in this entry. Thus, two days. Also, after Shinji came back from Rei's house in the manga, he's reminded that the day after is the anniversary of his mother's death, which is possibly the worst day to take a midterm.

Notes for 'Error:' I was inspired to write that after a person asked to read through my Moleskine for the umpteenth time. I was thinking, 'Grr, I hate people wanting to read through my notebooks!' Then I thought, 'how would Rei react to finding people reading her notebook?' And thus, you have the cliffhangerlicious **(ShinobiCyrus: who here thinks that's not a real word? My dictionary cries)** result. I doubt you'll be seeing much cliffhangers like that though; this is pretty much a straightforward thing. However, I see a few people misunderstood my intent. Reisfriend in particular seems agitated at what appears to be a slight upon Shinji's character. Thus, you've forced my hand! I am going to have to write an interlude, before 'Tea at Rei's Appartment version 2.0!' Muahahahahahahah! koff koff

Anyways, that's all for now. Much kudos go out to ShinobiCyrus, who figuratively took the block of marble I had for dialogue and chiseled away at it until it became a statue of David. However, this is still a work in progress since I haven't heard back from PhilG or AndrewJTalon yet.


	13. Interlude 1: Vulnerability

**Author's prescript notes: I had to fight delays from painkillers, a concerned mom and doctor, and even salt water so that I could get this interlude to you people, but I succeeded. For those of you that are wondering, interludes are little third-person segments that will appear from time to time, when Rei's Entries are simply not enough to convey the storyline at hand. They will provide breaks at opportune moments from the current writing style. Hopefully they will be kept to an absolute minimum. Anyway, hope you enjoy it.**

_Lettuce? Check. Peppers? Check. Onions?Check,_ for the umpteenth time that hour, Shinji mentally ran through his grocery list as he meandered through the fresh foods section of the supermarket. A slight smile was plastered on his face; he should have been happy, since his luck had rebounded since he made up with Rei.

After school, he went to the teacher to apologize for his behavior and ask for a second chance on the midterm since he hadn't been in the best condition at the time. To his surprise, the teacher had agreed readily enough and then did the oddest thing: he gave a meaningful look to Shinji and said, "believe it or not, Ikari, I know what today is. Be sure to show up on Friday after school for the make-up test." Then he dismissed Shinji with a wave of his hand.

So it was in high spirits that Shinji entered the supermarket, picking up groceries for the week ahead.

But as he was perused the aisles with his shopping cart, a half-formed thought gnawed at his contentment. It wasn't until he picked up a package of radishes that he realized what it was.

He needed to get a gift for the First Child.

Okay, perhaps 'need' was too strong a word for his motivation. After all, his and Rei's meeting on the rooftop basically cleared the slate between them. Rei would be fine with an apology and Shinji _could_ just leave it at that.

But Shinji wasn't going to risk it. Sure, he gambled with the fate of the human race every time he fought an Angel on the battlefield, but that was when costs and benefits switched as rapidly as the sides of a coin flipping through the air. This time, a something a lot more personal was at stake.

So he wanted to get something that suited her to wipe the slate clean, or at the very least clear his conscience.

_But what?_ he asked himself as he picked off several cups of ramen from the shelf (Misato's chosen meal to make) Another notebook? But that was dull. But he didn't know what else to get her.

As he pondered the problem he chuckled to himself. _One gift deserves another, _he thought ruefully. To think, he gave her a gift to thank her for saving him, and he opened that gift and now he has to give her another a gift in apology.

As the cart trundled down the aisle he blushed guiltily as he remembered _why_ he opened the notebook…

* * *

He stepped into her doorway, trying to will away the nervous tingle that appeared at his fingertips when she had invited him inside. He shouldn't have felt nervous; it wasn't as if she was going to maul him as soon as he was inside the door. But the memory of what happened clung to him like a sweat-soaked shirt: the scent of vanilla rising up from her prone form, her cerulean hair tousled around her flawless features, the soft skin under his fingertips... 

_Stop that!_ he yelled at himself.

When he finally surfaced from the memory, he was rewarded with a full view of Rei's glorious backside as she stooped to pick up her clothes off the floor.

He whirled around, both out of respect for her dignity and to hide the glowing blush on his face. _Why does every encounter with her have to be so awkward?_ He silently cried.

Rei's voice wafted in softly and danced around his ears. "I apologize for the disorder in the room," she said.

Shinji mumbled "it's all right," but his words didn't carry past the sound of the chair scraping across the floor.

"You may sit if you wish," Rei said from the room over. "I will prepare some tea."

Shinji sat, grateful for the reprieve from standing and doing anything foolish. While Rei stood boiling the water in the kitchen, Shinji took the time to look around. The air was thick and heavy, and smelled of dust. Light filtered through the curtains, painting grey shadows across the floor. Everything was practically where it was the last time Shinji came, reminding him how dismally static Rei's life was.

_How can Ayanami live in such a dreary room?_ Shinji asked himself. _Maybe I should've brought her some flowers, _he thought as his eyes turned toward the dresser, the logical place to put a vase.

The dresser.

Where the notebook was lying open.

As soon as Shinji registered that small fact, a sinuous voice slithered into his mind, **_Don't you want to look?_ **it asked.

_But wouldn't it be wrong?_

**_Wrong? It was a gift _you_ gave her. It's not so wrong to see how she's doing..._**

_But it's her private thoughts! _Shinji protested against the voice. Regardless, he still felt himself rise from the seat.

**_Exactly,_** the voice said. Shinji took a step towards the dresser.

**_All the answers to the girl are there. The key to her Heart is there._** Another step. Rei was saying something, but Shinji wasn't listening.

**_Her thoughts on EVA. _**Another step closer.

**_On her purpose..._** step.

**_On your father..._** step.

**_And on _you** Step. He was at the dresser. Like a puppet manipulated by its strings, he mindlessly picked up the notebook and began to read from the top of the page: _'I held the phone in front of me looking at the glowing display that cradled Ikari's number. I am not fond of large gatherings of people or strident noise, but-'_

Shinji found himself reeling around, the notebook snatched out of his hands, and his head cracked around with a stinging blow.

When he realigned his head he was staring into eyes the color of magma, eyes that burned with outrage, fear, and pain.

This girl, who had once before in the exact same room stood in front of Shinji unabashedly naked, was actually hurt by his peering into the innocuous book. The realization nearly suffocated Shinji.

But the significance of that comparison slipped from Shinji's mind as he stumbled into a full-blown panic. He didn't even know what he said to her. All he could do was grab his satchel and run away from his shame.

* * *

As he stood in the checkout line Shinji grit his teeth against the residual emotions of the memory. By letting go of courtesy once-just this once- he managed to nearly devastate the tenuous relationship between him and Rei. It seemed only proper that courtesy be the final nail that repairs the bridge connecting them. But what gift could she possibly enjoy? 

_Flowers...I wanted to get her flowers to brighten up her room._

The idea turned to ashes as he imagined her response to a bouquet of flowers: "Of what use are dead plants to me, Ikari?"

Chagrined, he looked up and smiled when he spied the answer humbly sitting on the checkout counter.

_Perfect_ .

TBC

Author's postscript notes: For those of you that are dying for references, the first page break signaled a flashback to "Entry 10: Error," except this time it was quasi-told from Shinji's point of view. The italicized passage that Shinji read from was "Entry 9: Dissolution."

Much thanks to AJtalon and ShinobiCyrus for the preread.


	14. Entry 12: Reset

_The door clicked shut as Rei's guest left, signaling a peaceful solitude to settle over her room. She stood in the center of the hallway for a moment, basking in the utter calm._

_Unhitching the notebook from her side, she then made her way to the bed and sat on the mattress cross-legged, balancing the book on her ankles. She glanced at the dresser, where his gift was now sat, then turned her head left to see the sunset casting a golden outline upon the city._

_After smiling out to Tokyo-3, Rei looked down, letting her sky-shaded hair curtain across her cheeks as she etched the kanji onto the paper…_

I understood that Shinji's request yesterday signified a new experience. I have never had a friend before, and so I felt it necessary to properly prepare myself before his arrival.

I did not foresee many variables, but they were resolved in the end, and resulted in a much more pleasing experience than I imagined. The unpredictability lent…excitement to the event.

After the bell signaled the end of school, I gathered my belongings together while the majority of the class rushed heedlessly out of the room. As I proceeded toward the door, I noticed that Shinji was still in the room, looking out the window, his thoughts preoccupied.

While I did not wish to disturb him, I realized that we were supposed to reconvene. After judging that it would be more impolite to ignore him and cause him greater embarrassment to let him forget our meeting, I walked toward him and called, "Shinji."

He shook for an instant, and then said "Huh? Oh, hey Rei," As he looked up.

"Are you still planning to arrive at my apartment?" I asked.

"Oh, yeah. Sure, sure. I, uh… can't walk with you there, though. I gotta pick up a few things at my place first." He collected his possessions, stood, and walked with me to the entrance of the school.

Shinji coughed, and then said, "All right, I'll be there in about ten to fifteen minutes, okay?"

"Understood," I replied. He smiled uncertainly and then ran around the corner.

I returned to the apartment shortly and awaited his arrival with a degree of anxiety. Fortunately, I did not have to wait long. Five minutes after my return, a knock at the door signaled his presence. I opened the door to discover him carrying a bag in one hand, and a potted plant in another.

"Here," he said without preamble as he presented the plant to me. "I thought you might like something to brighten up your room, so I got you this."

It was one plant, with a single thin stem growing out of the compost. Several flowers, star shaped and ivory white, rested atop the plant.

"It's a potted white lily," Shinji explained, "It's, uh, not an exact replica – a natural plant would be too big to bring over. I think it's genetically modified so that it takes up less space and so people would want to bring it home. I guess I shouldn't be surprised; Pen-pen – Misato's pet penguin – was genetically altered to live in hot springs, so-"

I blinked, awkwardly aware of the heat rushing my cheeks. "It's beautiful. Thank you."

Stopping in mid-sentence, Shinji looked at me for a moment, then looked away as a tint of red formed on his cheeks. "Well, for some reason, the white lily… well, it reminds me of you."

I felt the corners of my mouth tighten and pull upward, and decided not to fight against that reaction. I believe it would have hurt more to not smile, although I would have preferred that my accompanying flush had been absent.

I turned around and walked down the hallway with the flowerpot gripped in my hands, surveying the area for a suitable location for the lily. The door clicked shut as Shinji closed it behind him.

As I entered the bedchamber, I was struck with the realization that Shinji not only brought me a flower, but a living flower, not dead plants that have one sole purpose. No; this was a gift of continual life and growth, which can be sustained for as long as I can care for it..

How did he know? How does he always know what is the ideal present?

I surveyed the room and concluded that the ideal placement was atop the dresser, alongside the beaker of water. I had arranged the items on the dresser accordingly and placed the lily on it when Shinji entered.

"You cleaned up," he observed.

"Yes," I acknowledged. It had taken much time and effort well into the night, but the apartment was presentable and satisfactorily clean.

It was pleasing to know that he took notice of such measures.

I looked at the plant, concerned about its positioning. Indeed, the flowers were lackluster, and the plant appeared subdued. As a whole, "It looks…sad," I said.

Shinji stepped forward to stand at my side. "Yeah, it does," he agreed. He turned to face me. "Maybe it needs more light?"

I climbed on to the bed and drew back the curtains fully for the first time, exposing the entire room to the span of Tokyo-3 in front of a setting sun. I turned to survey the room yet again, and was taken aback at what drastic alterations the simple change had brought.

With the curtains drawn, the room was shaded in a monotone grey. With the window revealed, the walls glowed with golden fire. Sunlight reflected off the water of the beaker to cast specks of light throughout the room. Shade, although no longer a dominant element in the room, nonetheless offered a pleasant contrast as it reallocated to underneath furniture and objects.

I regarded the plant once more. The stem and leaves displayed a vibrant green, and the flowers gleamed in the sunlight. For lack of a more accurate word, the plant did indeed appear happy.

"Beautiful," I heard Shinji say.

I turned toward him, anticipating him to be looking at the flower, or the city, or the room. Instead, when I looked up I met his eyes.

Presently, I can only conclude that he was looking at me, although why he would say such a thing I do not know.

At the time I was concerned for his mental well being. "Shinji, are you all right? You seem a little distracted."

The comment brought him out of his reverie. "Huh? Uh…no, I'm fine." He looked down at the bag in his hand and hefted it once. "Actually I was wondering if I could get started on this stir-fry, if it's all right with you."

The Major's praise regarding Shinji's culinary expertise bordered on legendary. It was beneficial to expanding my palette, so I informed him, "Yes, that will be fine. I will prepare some tea while you are cooking."

We proceeded to the kitchen area, where I procured the kettle and the tea strainer. As I filled the kettle, Shinji asked behind me, "Um… you don't happen to have a wok around here, do you?"

"No." I did not see any need for cookware beyond a standard pot and pan.

"Oh. I'm glad I brought my own, then." He set the bag on the ground and brought out the aforementioned pan along with several other items; an onion, a pepper, a cabbage head, some broccoli, several other vegetables that I could not identify, a bottle of oil, assorted shakers that I presume contained spices, and two knives with matching cutting boards.

Shinji turned to me and asked, "Sorry to bother you about this, but do you mind helping me with cutting the vegetables? The work would go much faster."

"I'll help," I told him. After putting on the water-laden kettle, I took one of the cutting boards, the knife, and the onion. After washing the bulb, I asked Shinji, "How do I begin?"

I discovered him gazing without focus for an instant before he responded, "Huh? Oh… just cut it any way you want to." His smile was less vibrant when compared to the other day. I resolved to ask him about it at a more appropriate time.

As Shinji joined me in slicing vegetables, I found myself favoring – or rather, hoping – that this would be the lifestyle that I would be able to maintain after all the Angels are defeated; perhaps not as domesticated, but preferably as calm and as stable as preparing a meal by Shinji's side.

While I finished cutting the vegetables, Shinji was coating the heated pan with oil. "Thanks, Rei," he said distantly. "I can take it from here, if you want to sit."

"I would like to watch, with your permission." I had never seen Shinji prepare a dish before, and wanted to investigate what talent he had that put the Major in his thrall.

Shinji frowned and informed me, "All right, but I'm going to warn you that it's pretty straightforward."

It appeared that way at first, when Shinji tilted the wok at various angles to coat the entire surface of the pan with oil. When he added the diced vegetables and stirred the sizzling product with a spatula, I considered taking his advice to wait in the other room.

But when he tossed the entire mix with a flick of his wrist, everything changed.

In an instant, the world faded away, leaving just Shinji, the wok, and the vegetables. Shinji's razor-sharp focus triangulated on the vegetables; the wok became an extension of his arm. The vegetables were his to mold as he pleased into whatever form he desired.

It was very similar to the will that Lieutenant Aoba exerted over his guitar, or Suzuhara over a basketball. Absolute power. Absolute grace. Absolute art. And for Shinji the result of his cooking would be absolute perfection.

Or so I thought.

Abruptly, Shinji's focus blurred, and his eyes reverted to that distant gaze. That was all that was needed for his control to shatter; hot oil sloshed out from the wok, and onto the side of his left forefinger curled around the handle.

Shinji yelled, more in surprise than in pain, and the wok clattered back onto the stove. I grabbed Shinji's hand by the wrist and pulled him over to the sink, turning on the water.

The tepid water washed away the oil from the injured finger – for but a second, before the faucet denied further access with a soft gurgle.

I stared at the faucet before I recalled Commander Ikari's reminder: _"The water in your building will be shut off at four in the afternoon, three days from now."_

I looked at the clock. It was ten minutes past four.

Never before in my entire existence did I feel such a strong desire to utter an expletive.

Even as I ushered that impulse out of my mind, I rushed to recall first aid on the matter. Primarily, the skin temperature must be brought down to normal to prevent continuous damage to the living tissue. With my eyes I looked for liquids that were cool enough for the purpose.

Shinji was saying something. "Um, Rei?"

"Mmm?" I mumbled, and was suddenly aware that an object in my mouth was impeding my speech.

"Err… I can do that myself."

I looked toward him. If his face was tinted red when he gave me the lily, his face was glowing crimson in this situation, a nervous smile wavering on his mouth. His left arm was upraised, and I traced up its length with my eyes.

I realized, with growing trepidation and embarrassment, that I had automatically grabbed his arm with both of my hands and placed the burnt portion of his finger in my mouth to wet it.

As quickly and as carefully as I could, I released the limb. "S-sorry." It was a moment before I realized that I was the one who stammered the apology.

Shinji did not acknowledge the apology, most likely because he did not hear it. His expression showed momentary ambivalence before placing the injured finger into his mouth.

It was then that I recalled an additional fact; a balm could be placed on the wound to accelerate healing. And honey could be used as such a balm. Honey, which I had purchased to use as an optional condiment for the Earl Grey tea.

I brought out the honey bottle from the kitchen cabinet and returned to Shinji, deactivating the stoves along the way and noting with surprised appreciation that the stir-fry had landed in the wok in its entirety before I returned to Shinji. "If I may see the injury, I would be able to apply honey – it will speed the healing process."

Shinji pulled the finger out of his mouth to say, "Oh, okay." With one hand I held his arm steady while with the other I squeezed the substance over the wound. Putting aside the bottle, I used my thumb to distribute the honey in a thin layer. To distract him from the painful sensation I asked, "Shinji?"

Wincing slightly, he looked up at me and said, "Yes?"

"Before you injured yourself, you appeared to lose focus again. Is there something wrong?"

Immediately he replied, "No," the sighed and amended, "Yeah, kind of," before turning his head to the side to reminisce.

"Yesterday, when I saw my father at the grave site, I thought I might actually be able to talk to him. I thought I might actually be able to fill some holes in my life. Instead, I got this advice – his first and last words as a father:

'People live by their own strength. They only grow by their own strength. Stand on your own two feet, and walk.'

"I couldn't believe it. I don't want to believe it. It's too sad to live life alone like that. But they were my father's words. How can I just throw them away…like…that?" His voice faded, his statement punctuated with a forlorn sigh as despondency washed over him.

"Commander Ikari is wrong."

Shinji stared at me. "What?" I was also surprised at my own opinion. It seemed that some element is causing me to act rashly. I will need to be more guarded about my actions in the future.

However, I reviewed my opinion again and found it unchanged. I explained the reason to Shinji. "Although the Commander claims that people live and grow by their own strength, very little can be accomplished alone. Society would not have formed if people did not choose to exist together. Commander Ikari himself would not have established NERV without the assistance of Sub-Commander Fuyutsuki and Doctor Akagi. Only by working together can humanity ever hope to move forward."

My words gave Shinji pause, and then it seemed that all the tension drained out of his body. "Well, whether he's right or wrong," he smiled, "I like your view of things a lot better, Rei. Um… you can stop doing that now, if you'd like."

I was suddenly aware that I was still rubbing over the burnt area with my thumb, even though the injury was well coated with honey. I released his hand and said, "I will get some gauze for the wound."

After retrieving the required material from the bathroom I returned to discover that Shinji had served the vegetables along with the remaining rice that I had left in the steamer. "Well, we can eat if you want. I was lucky that the entire stir-fry fell back in the wok," Shinji commented humorously.

"I do not believe luck was as great of a factor as skill," I replied. "If you carry the meals into the other room after I bind your wound, I will join you shortly with the tea."

He nodded in understanding, and I covered the burn with gauze before wrapping tape around it. After he left, I poured the water into the tea strainer, making sure that I was holding the kettle properly. It would not have been pleasant to compound one burn injury with another.

After pouring the freshly made tea into two paper cups I proceeded into the main room to discover that Shinji sat himself on the bed with the plates and utensils beside him.

Upon my arrival he smiled with subdued strength and stated, "Sorry… there wasn't a table in the room, so I had to improvise."

I responded, "It's all right. I do not eat here much anyway, so a table seemed pointless." I sat on the bedside with him.

After taking plates into our hands and saying "Itadakimsu," I sampled the meal.

I was unprepared for the experience.

The crispness of the peppers contrasted with the softness of the mushrooms and the spicy ground pepper complimented the sweetness of the diced onion to combine into one singular enjoyable sensation.

All of this he created in but a few minutes time. It was a testament to the amount of effort he has put into developing the skill. It is the very definition of the phrase, 'labor of love.'

I could say nothing but a comment that I did not believe I would say in my entire lifetime: "This… is delicious."

As was becoming a common occurrence, Shinji blushed: "Thank you."

As we continued to drink tea and eat the meal, I heard Shinji ask by my side, "So, what do you do for fun?"

After a moment of reflection, I noted, "I never had the luxury of 'fun', Shinji."

His confusion was evident, so I elaborated. "For my entire life, I did little else but harmonics tests and synchronization experiments as Unit-01 was under development. Ever since I was a child, I knew nothing else. Now that the Angels have surfaced, my responsibilities at NERV are all the more demanding; everything else is…extraneous.

I looked over to see Shinji's face creased in a frown. "So… you don't do _anything_ outside of school and NERV?"

I pondered the question while consuming another portion of the meal. "I read, and swim occasionally, but I find little enjoyment in those activities."

"Well, maybe you should try something. EVA isn't going to be in our lives forever."

"I spend time with you," I said simply.

Shinji surprised me when he chuckled at that, I nearly forgot how to eat when he smiled me warmly. "I like spending time with you too, Rei, but I meant something for just 'you', that you can do for yourself."

After swallowing the remaining food in my mouth, I offered, "Perhaps I shall take up cooking. It is a useful skill, and appears to be enjoyable."

A pleased smile grew on Shinji's face. "Really? Maybe I could teach you!" He exclaimed.

For a moment I was unable to speak; my throat felt unusually dehydrated. The only statement I was able to make when I turned toward him was, "That would be nice."

A clatter of utensil on dishware made me aware that I had finished the meal, and I looked over to see that Shinji's plate and cup were empty as well. I procured the kitchenware and placed them in the sink in the kitchen, and turned to find Shinji standing in the doorway, an unidentifiable expression on his face. "Anything I can help with?" he asked.

"No…thank you. The water has been turned off for renovation, so I will attend to the dishes later."

"Oh… all right." His eyes met mine for a second before turning to pack his cooking instruments back in the bag. "I guess I'd better get going, then. Asuka's gonna kill me if I don't make dinner on time."

I watched him head toward the front, bag in hand, and saw him put on his shoes. I felt the desire to say something of significance, to mark his farewell. "Thank you for coming over. This was…nice," I attempted. Although "nice" understated his charity, it was the only word I could apply. I found the statement unsuitable.

I made another attempt as he stood. "I look forward to learning how to cook alongside you."

He did not look back as he said, "Sure."

As he opened the door, I finally discovered what to say. "Shinji."

He turned, the light from the sun flooding in from behind him, outlining his figure as if he were a legendary spirit from on high. "Yeah, Rei?"

Even though I was certain of what I had to say, the words came out with difficulty as I said, "Your father's orders and his view of life – they are not the final statement in reality. I learned that from you, when you saved me after the Fifth Angel… now you need to learn it for yourself."

His eyes widened momentarily, but his face settled into a pleasantly surprised expression. His smile made my skin feel odd, as if pins of pleasure were being stuck in random places all over my body. He finally said, "Thanks, Rei. I needed to hear that. I'll see you tomorrow."

It was somewhat disappointing to see him close the door behind him readily, but we are friends now, not just fellow pilots. I took comfortable in the knowledge that his visits will be a common occurrence.

No one truly knows what Fate will deliver; nevertheless, I find myself anticipating the days ahead.

TBC

Author's Notes: CAN YOU HANDLE THE REI/SHINJINESS! DIDN'T THINK SO! MUAHAHAHA!

**(Shinobicyrus: Hey! I'M the only guy allowed to cackle menacingly. And you don't even do it right!)**

…Now that that's out of the way, I wanted to apologize for keeping you guys on ice for a couple of weeks. I just wanted to cram as much fanservice as I could… and it wasn't coming to me at the rate that I liked. You are treated to the largest installment of "The Notebook" yet, though, and oddly enough it takes place in roughly 1.5 hours – a relatively short time span.

And so ends our pipe saga. It started with Gendo thinking that Rei could become more isolated when they fix the water in her apartment, but in the end it turns out into a rather…uh…affectionate R/S scene. Just another one of the proclaimed Bastard King's plans backfiring.

There is some significance behind the gift that Shinji gave to Rei. For my resources I used the ever-dubious wikipedia. Look it up under "Floral Vocabulary" if you're interested. Hey, that section might even come in handy later… you never know.

To be shamefully honest, I don't know much about the wok except that it's a pan used for stir-frying. At least, I use it for stir-frying my beef broccoli. The oil-burning experience I actually had happen to me once, in eighth grade. Unfortunately, no Rei was around to tend my wounds. Mom did a pretty good job, though. :-P

Regarding "Itadakimsu:" One sees this phrase in dubbed anime as "Thank you for the food," regarding the person who cooked it. To those out there with Judeo-Christian customs, it looks very much like a prayer ritual before eating. I am quite leery about calling it a prayer, though, so I just stuck with the original Japanese saying to avoid any custom gaffes or mistranslations.

Edited by AndrewJTalon, and ShinobiCyrus, who do a good job of cutting my chapters down to size.


	15. Entry 13: Facets

**(Author's Prescript: I consider this important enough to put at the beginning of this entry. I have realized up until now I have been making do with the numbering of angels in the anime. For example, this battle would be the equivalent to the attack of the tenth angel. However, in the manga, Gendo and Fuyutsuki note that this is the seventh angel, and five remain. If you work backwards thusly, Rei and Shinji destroyed the fourth angel, and Shinji's maiden battle was against the second angel. So for future reference, the numbering of angels will follow the manga version of events.)**

_Rei sat upon the stairs under the elevated canopy, taking in her surroundings. Although electricity had been restored to the solar mirrors, the fountains in the wooded enclave remained powerless, and the wells to which they gave life remained stonily dry._

_Without the sound of the fountain's rushing water, silence enveloped Rei and NERV's enclave. All but a few personnel were committed to double and triple shifts to solving the problem, so no one was around to see Rei tap the end of her pen thoughtfully against the blank page as she tried to figure out what to write…_

Man, like a gemstone, has many facets. Some facets are revealed in the confidence of others. Other facets are shown in a public setting. More are turned inward and only exposed when Man is alone. Still others are unveiled when in crises, or confronted with a challenge.

This has been a prevailing truth since Man was born, but I have overlooked it until now.

Perhaps it would have been better if I noticed this truth earlier, and realized that it applied to Shinji as well.

There was no time for revelations, however, as the Seventh Angel was detected in the early morning. All pilots quickly arrived, donned plugsuits, and placed their EVAs in equidistant positions encircling Tokyo-3. Via viewscreen, we witnessed the attack methods of the angel.

High in orbit a portion of the angel detached itself from the main body. It fell at a thunderous velocity, dispersing clouds in a shockwave before impacting the ground and sending megagrams of soil into the atmosphere.

Another screen appeared in the plug as Lieutenant Aoba announced _"It's over Cocos Island… Obstat-6 has target on visual! Now on main screen!"_

The exact proportions of the angel are not known, but it was much larger than any angel faced previously. Markings on the creature made it resemble a large iris, with one more to each segment that resembled wings. God's eyes, perhaps.

The window that showed the force of the explosion switched to an overhead view of the impact crater. It was visible from space, without further magnification, demonstrating the impact's intensity from just a segment of the angel.

From the command center, Major Katsuragi's impressed but undaunted analytical voice immerged. _"Look at the size of _that_. It's an offensive use of it's AT field."_

Lieutenant Ibuki's pondering voice was heard. _"The Angel uses a piece of itself as a bomb, detaching a portion of its mass. Combined from the kinetic energy gained from its fall in space, the impact force is immense."_

Over the private communications link, Souryu covertly remarked, _"Brilliant deduction, Holmes. Why don't you try talking to the Angel? Maybe it'll get so bored it'll self-detonate."_

"The analysis of an Angel is integral to determining how to defeat it," I said pointedly. "If I recall the Fifth Angel's attack correctly, you blindly confronted it with little prudence of its true capabilities. Had you actually assessed the Angel beforehand, perhaps you would have defeated it the _first time._"

A screen activated, displaying the Second Child's snarling face. _"Shut up, First! Who asked you?_"

"I was simply recalling one of our previous battles aloud, Pilot Souryu," I replied innocently.

Before Souryu could respond, the crater window switched to the Major's face. _"I hope I'm not interrupting any juicy girl talk."_

"No ma'am," I said, focusing back to our mission. "What are our orders, Major?"

_"Well, we've figured the Angel is going to try the equivalent of a belly-flop on Tokyo-3. So far, our best option is to catch the Angel before it hits land and destroy its core."_

On the other screen, Souryu's eyes widened as she exclaimed, _"THAT'S the best you can come up with? You want us to _catch_ the Angel!"_

"_Well, we can't shoot it down – the Angel will fall too fast for the MAGI to calculate a targeting vector, and we don't know if the positrons will penetrate that strong of a field. So…yeah, you'll have to catch it."_ Even in the small viewscreen the Major's shrug was visible. _"Your EVAs have hands, right?"_

All the viewscreens deactivated, leaving the expanse of Tokyo-3 in my field of vision. Still, Souryu was opening cursing over the com, _"Mein Gott! Some plan this is! 'Catch the Angel when it falls.' 'Your EVAs have hands, right?' __Verrückt__ schlampe!"_

The Major spoke again. _"Did you say something Asuka?"_ Although the tone of her voice implied she had a thorough enough understanding of German.

Souryu's voice sounded contrite, as she said, _"Nothing, nothing_…_Where's the rendezvous?"_

A window snapped to life in the upper left hand corner, a map of the city with three overlapping circles similar to a Venn diagram imposed on it; three markers in the center of each circle indicating the position of each EVA._" We don't have an exact location for you,"_ the Major explained apologetically._ "But using the data up to the point radar jamming began, the MAGI have calculated an estimated radius for the drop- point."_

Souryu said incredulously, _"The range is _this_ large?"_

_"That's right –we've placed your EVAs to best cover the drop zone. Once you can confirm the exact point, you'll need to run to it as fast as you can, then catch the Angel using your AT field at maximum."_

Souryu's astonishment emanated through the speakers as she protested, _"You talk like that's going to be _easy!_"_

The Major's voice turned dire as she stated, _"Well, if you fail, NERV HQ will be gouged right out of the ground. Just keep that in mind."_

Such was the nature of all Angel battles. There is no compromise, no negotiation, no room for failure. The objective is blatantly straightforward: destroy the Angels, or face annihilation.

It is the simplest, and most merciless, truth.

Once again, the Major radioed from the Geofront. _"Shinji, Rei – did you get that? Get ready – you'll have to do this on a moment's notice."_

"Ready," I affirmed.

"_Ready, Misato,"_ Shinji said.

Although the response was ordinary enough, there was an element in his cadence that struck me as unusual. I then recalled that he did not participate in any of the conversation that had occurred, nor did he activate a communications window. Such isolationist behavior was unsettling. I resolved to discuss it with him after the battle.

Allowing the possibility there would be an 'after'.

The Major, however, noticed the tone as well and took initiative. _"Hey, Shinji, you okay? You've been acting weird since this morning."_

"_Yeah, I'm okay. Don't worry about it,"_ came the reply. For some reason, my mind associated the tone of his voice with the behavior of a dormant volcano.

"_As long as it doesn't interfere with the mission, idiot."_ Souryu's commented.

"Shinji is not an idiot," I said simply. Common sense told me this difficult of a mission required team-work, and the Second's remarks were far from productive. "Unless you wish our graves to share the same crater," I warned her, "I would suggest you leave Shinji-kun be and focus on your job."

I heard the Major say, _"All right, Ritsuko, his channel's off. Now, what's up?"_ I suspected they communicated nonverbally to not raise suspicions.

Doctor Akagi's concerned voice rose. _"I don't know. Blood pressure's higher than norm… adrenals are spiking, brain activity and pulse are racing, too. By looking at these readings I'd say he's stressed or pissed. Something's not right."_

A sigh was heard before the Major said, _"Well, what can we do? We need them all on the field to cover Tokyo-3 and catch the angel – it's too heavy for even two EVAs."_

_"I know… but we should pull him aside for evaluation later on. I don't want him going maverick on us."_

And that was all that was said for the moment. I used the time to look in the direction of EVA 01, although buildings obscured a direct view of the Unit – the visual interface had placed a dot marker where the Unit's beacon was transmitting. I wondered if the Commander's advice was still influencing him. It would account for his constant distance in recent interactions.

Then the Major said, _"It's here! All EVA Units get on your marks!"_

A chime resounded as a small targeting triangle imposed itself on a point in the sky, alongside a meter counter with its numbers rapidly decreasing. A square appeared on the horizon – the Angel's landing point. _"The MAGI now estimates fall point in area B2! Just run until you make contact with the target! The rest is up to you. Purge external power supply!"_ There was a dull _thunk_ behind me as the umbilical cord was released.

I was pushed back into my seat, LCL pressing against me like a blanket wrapped too tightly as the EVA sprinted into motion. The dots representing Unit 01 and 02 were converging on the location as well. Regardless of what was affecting Shinji, it appeared that it would not hinder his combat skills.

That opinion would soon be discarded as a false sense of security.

"_Father, can you see me?"_ The voice was Shinji's, but the tone was so distant that it could have been any outsider talking. In the viewscreen, the dot representing Unit 01 accelerated.

"_Are you watching me, right now?" _Shinji continued as murmurs of disquiet began to filter in from other channels.

"_You told me people live by their own strength, remember?"_ The dot representing Unit 01 melded with the landing point's square, as the triangle representing the Angel plummeted towards it.

"_But, honestly, do you really think I could ever lift this burden on my own?"_ The LCL's pressure against me pulsed as Unit 00 hurdled over a series of houses.

A mirthless chuckle crackled over the speakers. _"Imagine that. The boy you discarded, the sole protector of your hopes and dreams."_

Unit 00 vaulted above an obtrusive skyscraper, and I could see Unit 01 atop a hill. It was not merely holding the Angel at bay – it was pushing the Messenger slowly upwards, as if it was going to send it back into the sky. The golden, hexagonal ripples of Unit 01's AT field flared like a second sun within the city.

The murmurs in the background intensified, but lacked the clarity of Shinji's voice as he said, _"You lied again, Father. Without Rei, without Asuka, without me… all your dreams would be ashes…"_

Major Katsuragi's voice cut through his tirade, _"SHINJI, SNAP OUT OF IT! YOU'RE BURNING THROUGH YOUR BATTERY TOO FAST!"_

"_Less than thirty seconds of power remaining on Unit 01!"_ Doctor Akagi reported in quick succession.

Time was of the essence, but Unit 00's speed was it its limit. It would take fifteen seconds to reach Unit 01.

The remaining fifteen seconds would decide Humanity's fate.

I drew Unit 00's progressive knife as I ran, the ultrasonic blade shivered in the EVA's grip. As I closed the distance I could see Unit 02 opposite of me. Reaching the underside of the Angel simultaneously with Souryu, I sliced the Angel's AT field with my knife.

Unfortunately, Souryu did not have the same foresight. It cost her seconds to draw her knife and thrust at the core.

The result was that as the angel collapsed in around us, Unit 01's AT field failed.

The concussion of the Angel's destruction vigorously jostled Unit 00's plug; rough as the shockwave was, I was unharmed beneath my AT field. Lacking the same protection, however, I feared Unit 01 would have to bear through something far more severe.

When the field of view cleared, Unit 02 and I was the only other unit standing. Unit 01 was sprawled out on the ground, its cracked and blackened armor glowed like magma from the explosion's abusive heat.

When the interference in the comlink cleared the Major stated, _"Status."_

Lieutenant Hyuga replied, _"Units 00 and 02 are green with two minutes of power remaining. EVA Unit 01 is inactive, and incurred heavy damage through the second layer. Pilot's vital signs are stable."_

The Major's voice was toneless as she gave out orders. _"All right, let's bring them in. Rei, Asuka, you're going to have to carry Unit 01 to the nearest elevator and hook it up to power."_

"_But that's the retrieval team's job!"_ Souryu protested.

"_I don't care,"_ Major Katsuragi said, her voice as hard as diamond. _"I want to talk to him immediately. Understood, _Pilot _Souryu?"_

One did not have to see Souryu to know that she was overruled. _"Understood, Major,"_ She yielded despondently.

After the communication ended, Unit 02 turned to me and Souryu radioed, _"You take the left side, I'll take the right. We gotta hoof it – the nearest power cords are at least a minute away."_

It was a facet of Souryu's personality that was rarely seen. When we initially met, she always wore a false persona – one for hiding her true sentiments. To several she slowly revealed an envious, selfish, arrogant personality which strove closer to the truth. And yet, this latest face was true as well: a professional who is able to set aside personal preference in order to accomplish a mission.

It was a pleasant change.

Furthermore, that professional facet was able to intermingle with her primary personality, for when we had lifted Unit 01 between us she began commenting in half-coherent fragments such as _"Idiot should've stayed home today if he was gonna pull a stunt like this,"_ and, _"knew he had a father complex."_

She went on until we reached the power station, where she commented, _"Bet he did this just so he could have two girls all over him,"_ before plugging a power cord into the Unit's socket.

Immediately a viewscreen activated, depicting an exhausted Shinji. _"Rei, Asuka,"_ He noted despondently, _"Misato must be pretty mad at me, huh?"_

"_Oh, no,"_ Souryu assured him, her tone opposing her statement to a great degree. _"She wants to congratulate you on nearly_ blowing us all to smithereens!"

"She was quite distressed," I agreed as the elevator descended to the Geofront. "In all likelihood she will take disciplinary measures."

"_Oh."_ Shinji's face turned downcast. _"Well, I guess I'll be having the time of my life, then."_

Souryu was enraged. "Scheiße_, what did you think you were going to get, baka? You put the mission AND our lives at risk! You'd be lucky if they'd ever let you on a damn _bus_, much less pilot EVA again!"_

"_Well, that'd just be giving me what I want, then,"_ Shinji replied idly.

There was a sound from Souryu, which could only be termed as a "sputter," just before the elevator reached the EVA cages.

A viewscreen of the Major materialized into existence, her initial focus on Shinji.

"_Shinji, good job."_ She commented, although her features said otherwise.

"_Really?"_

"_NO!"_ she snapped. _"Your little temper-tantrum brought down our margin of error to a fraction of a second! Don't ever, _ever _take your personal baggage out on the field again!"_

"_Sorry…"_

"'_Sorry?' I want to see your _sorry_ butt in the locker room when you get out. And don't you _dare_ run away! I have a lot to say to you!"_

With that final statement, the transmission was terminated. I reached for the entry plug release, and was jolted forward as the plug ejected.

As I stepped out onto the landing, I noted Souryu climbing out of Unit 02 as well. The only plug that had not ejected was Unit 01's; I strode over to the landing where the Beast was berthed. Although the damage to Unit 01 was extensive, it did not appear to disrupt the energy flow into the EVA. I looked up to the Pribnow Box and asked the maintenance crew overhead, "Is there some hindrance to the power flow to EVA-01?"

One of the crew shook his head and said, _"Nope. Energy's going through like a flooded river."_

There were only two possibilities as to why the plug was not ejecting: Shinji could not or would not eject.

If it was not the former, then it must be the latter.

Knowing that the auditory sensors for Unit 01 were still active, I said, "You can't hide in there forever, Shinji… it is only a temporary respite, and it will do you little good. You have to come out, I will wait here until you do."

Five minutes later, the plug ejected. The egress hatch opened, revealing a reluctant Shinji. He tripped upon the upraised lower edge of the hatch, and would have injured himself had I not braced him with my arm on his torso.

After a moment he reoriented himself and turned to face me. "Are you mad at me too, Rei?"

I looked into his eyes and told him, "As your friend, I will be honest when I say I am disappointed. What you did was reckless, hardly befitting of an EVA pilot. But I am glad you're not hurt. "

Shinji coughed, most likely from surprise than from a foreign substance in his throat. "Well, thanks. It's good that I didn't let everyone down."

"The Major's ire is only temporary," I reminded him.

Shinji smirked grimly. "Try living with her." Something out of my line of vision had his attention, and he said, "Speaking of which, we'd better meet up with Asuka – She looks like she's at the end of her rope."

We walked toward the elevator together and rejoined with the Second child, who said nothing initially although her chagrin was displayed quite successfully on her face.

As the elevator transported us to the main floor she spoke in even tones, not looking in his direction: "You know Shinji, it never ceases to amaze me how much you can screw up and still not get us killed."

In the same manner, he replied, "Oh, I'm sorry Asuka; let's call that Angel back have us a rematch. I'll sit back and let _you _hold it for a few minutes by yourself next time, I promise.

She turned to him, yelling, "Don't use that tone with me, _Dreckskerl_! You nearly went and killed us all!"

"_Right_, because every other day of this damn job doesn't put us in harm's way! Why, I can't even remember the last time I had my eye gouged or my chest almost burned through!" was his retort as he strode through the opening doors.

"That doesn't give you an excuse to needlessly put _my_ life on the line just because some little boy has unresolved daddy issues." Souryu sneered as we continued down the hall.

Shinji turned toward her, a vicious light in his eyes. "Well, at least I _have_ a father!"

"_Arschloch!_" she screamed. The unmistakable sound of Souryu's palm on Shinji's face clapped down the deserted hallway just as everything went black.

"Ow! That _really _hurt."

Immediately Souryu said, "Hey! What's with the lights? I can't see a damn thing!"

"An outage?" Shinji suggested. From the slight mumble, it sounded as if he was massaging his aching face.

"Yes," I replied, to Souryu's surprise, "But not a standard one. The reserve generators should have activated immediately in such an instance."

The scrape of feet against floor indicated that Souryu turned to me as she yelled, "Would you _please_ not mumble from the darkness? I almost had a heart attack!"

"Yeah?" Shinji interjected. "Well, my cheek hurts."

"At least this isn't a total loss," Souryu said cheerfully.

"Perhaps there was an accident," I supposed, ignoring their squabble. "In such a case, we can't do anything here. We should report to the Main Tactics Room." I proceeded forward, my eyes adjusting to the darkness of the hallway.

Now behind me, Souryu yelled irately, "HEY! How can you be leader? You can barely even talk!"

"By your standards of excessive talking, I suppose I _should_ be considered mute, Souryu," I agreed. "But if linguistics is proportionate to navigation, should you not have led us there already?"

"Look, there's no point in fighting," Shinji noted before the situation escalated, "Rei's right. We need to head to the command center and ask what to do to help."

After a moment of silence, I heard Souryu reluctantly say, "Fine….Hey, slow down! It's pitch black! Jeez, blind, deaf, _and_ mute!"

"I apologize," I said, Slowing down my pace. "I have memorized the layout of headquarters."

Behind me, Souryu muttered, "Hmph. One more chance to rub it in. I'm the new girl here…"

Farther away, Shinji spoke. "Just how long did it take you to memorize NERV, Rei? Misato's been here longer than I have, and she still gets lost sometimes."

At the time, the question was rudimentary, and I thought nothing of it. But now I see Shinji's intent. Within the past few hours, the relationship between us three pilots altered from neutral to unfavorable, especially in terms of Souryu, who was sensing her status as an interloper. By noting the Major's flaw, Shinji was making a concession to Souryu to make her feel more comfortable.

Perhaps another motive for his concession was his guilt over offending her before the outage, and so his more conscientious aspect – an aspect which I admire most – was attempting to make amends.

All considerations aside, my reply was blunt: "Seven years."

Shinji commented, "Wow. Well, NERV's a complex place if it takes that long to find out way. We'd be lost without you."

I was grateful that the darkness hid my blush, "Thank you, Shinji."

In short order, we arrived at a door. "We are here," I announced.

"One side!" Souryu pushed past. I stepped aside to give her ample space as she strode through the door and into Lieutenant Hyuga. She rebounded and fell to the floor.

The Lieutenant's flashlight beam scanned over us as he said, "Oh, there you are! You came on your own?"

Souryu recovered herself and was the first to ask, "Doctor Akagi! What's going on?"

The glow of emergency flashlights illuminated Doctor Akagi's back to us as she mused, "I wish I knew. Primary, auxiliary, and reserve power all went down not concurrently, but simultaneously."

Lieutenant Aoba gasped slightly as his mind reached a conclusion. "So do you think…?"

Doctor Akagi confirmed an improbably condition: "We should consider the likelihood off sabotage."

She turned around to regard each one of us in turn. "Did you pass Misato on your way here? She was supposed to be heading this way."

Shinji and I exchanged looks. "Oh… really?" he said.

"Given her ability to lose her way, it's possible that we passed her," I contributed.

Doctor Akagi turned away, possibly pondering the ramifications. "How annoying," she said, "She'd better get back here soon. She's still in Command right now."

Souryu gave a cry when she realized something was amiss. "Where's Mister Kaji? He's not here either! Where is he?"

Lieutenant Ibuki turned in her chair to report to Souryu, "I saw him walking down the hall with Major Katsuragi before the power failed."

Souryu's shoulders slumped and her voice quivered as she asked, "What… what are they doing together… with the lights out?"

I have never before understood why a person would roll their eyes, but in this circumstance I found myself suppressing the urge to. Shinji failed in suppressing that urge, but was fortunate enough to cease before Souryu summoned him in a foreboding voice, "Shinji."

Shinji flinched, but covered his reaction effectively as she turned to him and said, "We're going to go look for them. Come with me."

With a sigh, Shinji said, "I knew you'd say that…"

She grabbed him by the ear and turned to me to say, "You, too. You're useful in the dark."

I was about to decline. Spending more time in Souryu's presence did not appeal to me.

But I saw Shinji, being pulled from behind by his ear, and another factor entered into my mind: the insult regarding Souryu's parentage, though discarded when the outage began, could resurface the longer they remained unaccompanied. In order to expedite their search and maintain the harm done to Shinji to a minimum, I said, "Very well."

Surprise flashed across Souryu's face before she regained her composure. "All right, let's go."

As we turned to leave, Doctor Akagi protested, "Wait, you three! Don't go off on your own!"

"The purpose of this mission is as follows," Souryu said seriously as she procured a flashlight from the wall, "Locate Major Katsuragi and return her to the main tactics room." With that, we exited Central Dogma.

After our departure, Shinji spoke. "Umm…"

With a sigh that expressed more suffering than she actually experienced, Souryu asked, "What is it, Third Child?"

"Well, if Rei knows her way around here, shouldn't she take the lead with the flashlight?"

Souryu did not even glance behind her, as she said, "Of course not! Does she look like she has the verve and intestinal fortitude to move forward and take point position?"

From behind me, Shinji responded reluctantly, "Well, she knows the way…"

"Then she can give me directions to the elevator!" came the forceful response.

"Why the elevator?"

"Well, genius, if I were some old hag of a woman who would want to jump Mister Kaji's bones during a power outage, I'd choose an enclosed space where there'd be no hope of rescue until after power was restored. THAT'S why an elevator!"

"You're acting like this was all preplanned…"

"Well, either that or it was just 'happy circumstance.' Now, elevator!"

"There are twelve elevators at various locations connecting this floor to others," I informed them. "It's highly unlikely that the initial elevator we find will have them inside."

"SO?" Souryu asked, turning around and momentarily blinding me with the flashlight. "How do we go and find them, then?"

"We must check each elevator for occupants. Presently, we are on the path to the nearest elevator, so I have no corrections to give."

"There, you see?" Souryu proclaimed. "We're on the right tack if the First says so, and I'm just doing this by instinct, too!" She proceeded forward, and there was momentary quiet before she asked spontaneously, "Hey, First?"

"Yes?" I acknowledged, expecting a question about direction, instruction, or mechanics.

"Have you and Shinji kissed yet?"

A cacophony of noise came from behind me. I turned to see Shinji crouched low clutching his head, and a nearby pipe slightly bent at an angle.

It took little investigation to discern what happened.

I crouched by him and brought my arm under one of his to lift him up to standing position. I then looked toward Souryu, who had turned around to witness the proceedings. "We are friends," I informed her, "and we have never kissed."

Her hands went to her hips, and a slight smile grew on her features as she said, "C'mon! Aren't you guys going out? He's been over to your place twice this week, and you two actually call each other by your first names! If that doesn't count as dating in the most creepy-recluse-style sense, I don't know what does!" Her eyes flickered to Shinji for an instant before she commented, "I don't get the whole puppet attraction, though."

It then occurred to me that this line of discussion was targeted not for information or explanation, but for goading us into pessimism. Her words formed a mockery of our experiences, to elevate herself.

The Commander has told me that under normal circumstances I was not to retaliate to such banter, because a citizen would not comprehend the work of NERV. But these were not normal circumstances. Here a peer was challenging my status as a human being, and moreover I was not the sole target of her derision. Shinji was, as well.

Thus, in order to defend ourselves, I faced her verbal combat as an equal. Still supporting Shinji as he recovered, I retaliated "Perhaps he prefers puppets to female canines. After all, puppets lack fangs and claws."

The mile grew on one side and diminished on the other – a lopsided grin, as the flashlight in reflected in her eyes brightly. "_Oooh_…The First actually has a sharp tongue. I'm surprised she hasn't made the first move on you yet, Shinji."

Unwilling to be circumvented, I responded vaguely. "Perhaps I am biding my time for the right moment."

Souryu surveyed her surroundings quickly before inquiring, "A moment like now?"

"No."

Her arms swept grandly across the hallway as she proclaimed, "Oh, come on! It's dark, enclosed, you're both alone…"

"Any scenario in which I would desire to kiss Shinji would be mercifully characterized by your absence," I replied truthfully.

Her hands crossed over her chest as she stated, "Well, just pretend I'm not here, then."

"Such a request could be construed as sexually deviant, Souryu."

Her head angled to one side as the smile remained present on her face. "So I'm a bit of a perv. What can I say? Besides, I'm doing you two a favor. You might never get a chance to kiss a boy again. Shinji, too. Oh wait, that's right, he likes girls, doesn't he? Not that anyone else can tell that."

I was about to reply when Shinji's hand on my arm forestalled me. I looked down to see him glaring at Souryu intently. After a moment of time he turned to me and said, "Let's do it, Rei."

It was another facet of his personality that I had not yet observed. I was apprehensive about the situation, in part because it revealed that he could be goaded into an action without forethought. Disoriented by his request, my initial response was, "No."

Souryu laughed when she registered my reply. ""Wow, will you look at that! The puppet refuses the master! I never thought I'd see the day. Well, looks like you're just gonna hafta settle for Suzahara, Shinji. Don't worry, you two will make a cute couple."

Shinji was unresponsive to her words – through his eyes I could see the pain and confusion of my refusal still impacting him. "Why?" He asked.

I used a moment to reflect upon my decision before replying, "All evidence to the contrary, I have heard and observed much on the nature of first kisses, Shinji. Many people regard it as a momentous occasion, one that they will remember for a significant portion of their lives. Such a simple gesture… and yet it has such a profound impact. It should be used with consideration, Shinji, and not discarded frivolously as Souryu would suggest. You and I, we need to evaluate each other before we commit to this."

He lowered his head pensively, and locks of LCL-saturated hair obscured his eyes from my view. The sole source of light, Souryu's flashlight, did not help me in discovering his motives as he said, "So… what you're saying is that I should share this kiss with someone who's worth it?"

Some intangible element in his voice made me feel extremely dehydrated as I told him, "Yes."

And then he looked up, his eyes flaring with resolve and some other indefinable, overpowering emotion as he told me, "I think you'd be worth it, Rei… don't you feel the same way about me?"

And when I could not speak nor move, he closed the distance, his intent clear. Moreover, as he brought his face to mine, I discovered that I did not want to move.

But even as our lips neared, circumstances beyond our control denied us a conclusion.

The power reactivated and a chime behind me sounded. Shinji, startled, looked upward while simultaneously leaning forward. He became unbalanced and fell onto me, and I experienced a brief disorientation as the wall I expected to be behind me to brace our fall did not exist. I landed on my back experiencing a brief pain as Shinji fell on top of me for the second time that I have known him. It was a rather compromising position.

I turned to regard Shinji, but he was looking ahead – "up," according to my orientation. I turned my head to the side and up to see what he was regarding, and was met with an image of Major Katsuragi and Mister Kaji also in a position not unlike our own.

It was an oversight on my part. I postulated that the elevator was further down the corridor, and overlooked and elevator at our location. Due to that oversight, when Shinji leaned in to … kiss… me, we fell through the elevator door and into full view of the Major.

I managed to hide my dismay and remained quiet as the Major recovered her composure. Shinji, however, was unsuccessful at such an attempt as he stammered "M-Misato!"

Fortunately, Shinji had sufficient foresight to duck as Souryu vaulted over him to assist Mister Kaji. As she embraced him fervently, Shinji rose quickly, offering me his hand to help me stand. "This isn't what it looks like!" He claimed, but his protests fell on uncaring ears.

"I don't want to hear any more of your excuses, Mister," The Major said as she stood and swept herself off. "You're all excused for today. But Shinji, I want you to see me first thing tomorrow. Don't think this little blackout let you off the hook."

"Major," I spoke up, "I was scheduled to have an appointment with Doctor Akagi – "

"It's going to have to wait till tomorrow," she said, "This outage takes priority. I'm going to have to talk to her about how this could have happened."

She slipped in between us. Mister Kaji attempted to follow, but was hindered by a protesting Second Child.

I glanced at Shinji – I felt too uncomfortable at the moment to look at him directly – and was taken back to see that he was regarding me in the same manner. And yet, he did not say a word. He merely went in the direction of the lockers with a faint pink hue cast upon his features.

It was today, then, that I discovered that Shinji had the ability to display many facets, from aggressive to affectionate. However ambivalent I may feel regarding those aspects of his personality, I do wish I have another opportunity to see it.

Perhaps we will be able to discuss it in the coming days… but for tomorrow, I will anticipate seeing Doctor Akagi for my scheduled examination, and perhaps discover the cause of the power outage.

(TBC)

Author's Notes: To the A/Ser who tried to assassinate me – and I know that it had to be an A/Ser, no one else would try to be that…messy… - know that you failed, and I still live!

Anyways, in all seriousness, I apologize for such the long wait. There were circumstances beyond my control, which I shall list here in short order:

Sins, Sins, School's Start, Plugsuits, Moving rooms, Sins, Parking Permits, Sins, Cleaning room, Plugsuits, Grammar Class, Sins, and, well… Sins.

When you write a story that people think is good, be warned: you're going to be getting a lot of people asking you to preread their stuff. But I don't mind: I get a first glimpse of all the new chapters before they're submitted, and get some behind the scenes treatment as well, so it's not so bad.

What? It's not. Really. Stop LOOKING at me like that, Sideris!

But you guys get a lot in this chapter as well, for three week's worth. This is practically double a normal entry at 6000 words, because both Stage 30 and 31 of Manga 5 are included in one day (I think they did happen in one day.)

Apologies to all the Asuka fans out there who are cringing at the bashing… for some reason, it just came out like that. I don't hate HER (Manga-Asuka is actually more tame than Anime-Asuka), just her rabid fans. Shinji's comment about her parentage was especially low, but I think he'd do it under the circumstances because he's particularly touchy on the subject of his father, and he would blurt that out to get her off her back… and then regret it later. But if you do admire Asuka, don't worry, she'll get her own little piece in with Rei later.

Well, can't think of anything more to say. Review of PM me if you have any praise or complaints, respectively!

Till next time.

**(Shinobicyrus: Jesus Christ, do you have any idea how long pre-reading this damn thing WAS? If these long chapters start becoming a habit, I'm going to start charging.)**

And if you must know, it was ShinobiCyrus who included all those German-words-which-I-have-no-knowledge-of, and that Suzuhara comment as well. All flames for those specific parts go to him.


	16. Interlude 2: Backlash

"_The Kanji we have for the word 'she' means 'a woman far away'; and that great gulf between men and women is far wider than any chasm and deeper than any ocean…"_

-Ryouji Kaji

When Shinji opened his eyes in the morning, the first thing he felt was relief.

For the barest of instants, he was able to believe that the day before was all a dream – that he didn't fly out of control when he was attacking the Angel, that he didn't get yelled at by Misato, that he didn't get slapped by Asuka, and most importantly of all, that he didn't try and impose a kiss on Rei.

_Yeah, and maybe fighting monsters with biomechanical robots was a dream, too,_ a rather ornery voice said in the back of his head.

Reality thundered down on him like a rampaging EVA. All that _did_ happen, which means that today he pays for yesterday's mistakes – and confronts women that he'd rather not see until far into the future.

Numb with that insight, he still managed to get up and perform his daily routine. So deep he was in his own mental turmoil that it was only after feeding PenPen that he noticed that his volatile apartment mate had not come out of her room.

Shinji had been avoiding her since the night before, when Kaji had brushed her off to go chase after Misato again. He would have liked to put off seeing her again until, say, next century, but his damnable conscience overrode his sense of self-preservation and forced his mouth open.

"Asuka, are you awake? I've got to get going!" he yelled, shouldering his satchel so that he could go straight to school after Misato was through with him…

Provided there _was_ an after.

Shinji was jolted out of his thoughts with the clatter of a door sliding open, followed by a menacing growl of "Shinji…"

Knowing that he was walking on eggshells, he turned to face her. "Good, you're up. Don't want you to be late for school."

To his credit, he did not flinch as she scanned him from her huddled position with a searing glare. Her eyes finally alighted on his satchel and she said snidely, "Aren't you going to NERV?"

Shinji sighed inwardly. _Leave it to her to remember a destination that will bring about my impending demise._

"Yes, yes, I am." He said aloud.

Asuka gave him a curt nod. "Good. While you're there, tell Kaji to ditch Misato and come back to me."

Shinji rocked back on his heels, feeling as if he got caught in the crossfire. "WHAT! Why!?"

Asuka made as if to unwrap her arms from her flank to place her hands on her hips, then apparently thought better of it. "Because of _your_ antics yesterday, Misato got pissed, and Kaji tried to cheer her up. Now he's going to fall head over heels in love with her and, it's gonna be a mess!"

Shinji bit his tongue to restrain himself from saying that only yesterday Asuka was claiming that the blackout was all in Misato's machinations. _The audacity of Asuka's logic will never cease to amaze,_ Shinji marveled.

"Well, so sorry to disappoint," Shinji said, his palms open to offer no promises, "but Misato's already out for my blood. Doing this will put my head on the chopping block. Why don't you tell him yourself?"

Asuka scoffed at the statement as she said, "Believe me, I would if I could. But my period started today and my body's one giant cramp!"

Shinji's disposition was wrenched from mild disinterest to sickened pity. "I _really_ didn't need to know that."

Then, in a switch so rapid it made Shinji's head spin with vertigo, Asuka pitched her pity act on him. She looked down dolefully, brushing away some invisible dust on her chin with her wrist. "Please, Shinji…if you had a girl, wouldn't you do anything to keep her?"

One girl in particular leapt to Shinji's mind, probably just as Asuka planned. Shinji felt his resolve melt, and he hated himself for it.

_I can't stand to see her so desperate, and she's always so desperate when it comes to Kaji. Besides, if our positions were reversed, wouldn't I do the same thing?_

"Fine, fine, I'll tell him," Shinji surrendered with a sigh. He turned to go.

"Hey, wait a sec," Asuka said behind him. From Shinji's left an arm sprung into view, thrusting an envelope into his face, the kanji for Mister Kaji's name scrawled with great care over the white paper.

"Take this letter to him," she ordered. "You think I'd trust you to tell him in your own words?"

Shinji sighed. "Of course not."

He snatched the envelope out of her hands and strode through the doorway before she could utter another word.

Once he power-walked a secure distance away from the apartment and its volatile occupant, he slowed his pace upon reaching the main thoroughfare.

_Turn left or right?_

He ran his thumb under the strap of his satchel. In truth, he could just as easily skip NERV and go to School, waiting until Misato was cooled off enough to go talk to her.

_Turn right, go to NERV… face Misato and get a dressing down._

_Turn left, go to school…face Rei… try and ad-lib an excuse for my actions._

Though both choices were hard to take, to Shinji it was obvious which direction had the greater consequences.

Heaving yet another sigh he turned right and headed toward NERV.

Misato he could deal with. Shinji was mature enough to know that actions had consequences and he deserved a dressing down from her. He also owed it to Asuka to deliver that letter to Kaji. Shinji was, after all, merely the messenger; it was Asuka's choice to make a fool out of herself.

More, he couldn't face Rei. He needed more time, more distance to figure himself out.

Like the clouds that lingered over Tokyo 3, a question drifted into his thoughts: _Why did I try to… do that to her?_

In response, an image of Rei faded into his mind; her doelike expression turned golden in the flashlight's glow, plugsuit still slickly shiny from LCL, with guileless eyes casting concern to him.

Shinji thudded his head against a streetlight pole to rid himself of the alluring vision before continuing on.

_All right, so she's cute. Is that all?_

Sure, she was attractive, but that's not what made her Heavenly. How many times has she helped him, defended him, listened to him?

How many experiences have they shared together?

Somehow over the course of these few weeks, she became his anchor, someone to keep him steadfast even when the storms of challenge battered him.

It's as if she knew him all his life.

All she has said and done, the qualities that make her who she is – they made her irresistible to him. He felt himself drawn to her, as quickly as a stone falling to earth.

He chuckled mirthlessly. _At least I know where the phrase "falling for someone" originated from, now._

But even with all this in mind it didn't excuse his actions. Despite Asuka's challenge, despite the pull that Rei had on him, he should have respected her wishes, waited a little while. The fact that he barreled on ahead, intent on taking what he wanted…

_It makes me as bad as Father._

The crimson leaf of NERV punctuated that thought as he rounded the corner to Headquarters. Per custom, he brought out his ID card and slid it through the access point, but the doors remained unresponsive. He rolled up his sleeves and cranked open the door manually, glad to have the opportunity to relieve his frustrations through manual labor.

After he passed through the massive doors he looked around to get his bearings, Shinji blushed when he realized that he was at the exact same spot where he tried to kiss Rei.

_Things are going to be awkward between us now._

Shoving that thought out of his mind, Shinji focused on completing task number one: finding Kaji and delivering the letter.

There was no way that he was going to let Misato catch him carrying that thing, no matter how late he was in seeing her.

Thankfully, the subject of his mission was striding purposely down the corridor towards him. "Oh, hi Mister Kaji."

Surprised the usually timid Third Child actually stopped to greet him, Kaji grinned boyishly. "Hey, Shinji, what's up?"

"Asuka wanted me to give you this," Shinji said, producing the envelope for Kaji to take.

"All righty then, thank her for me, will you?" Kaji asked as he pocketed the envelope.

"You're not going to read it?"

The ponytailed man chuckled. "I'll read it when I've got time enough."

"Oh." Shinji stopped, and there was a pregnant pause. "Well, I'd better get going. Misato's waiting – "

"Misato can wait a little longer. She's still busy investigating the blackout," Kaji said suddenly. "C'mon, I've got something to show you." He slapped a hand to Shinji's back warmly.

Shinji thought about it, then nodded. He didn't want to anger Misato by interrupting the investigation, and anyway, it allowed her more time to cool off. "All right," he said.

They had taken three steps when a thought hit Shinji. "Say, Mister Kaji?"

Kaji's eyes stayed forward as they neared an escalator. "Yeah, Ikari?"

"You've had a lot of experience with girls, right?"

Stepping onto the descending staircase, Kaji quipped, "More than my fair share."

"Can I ask you a question?"

"Shoot."

"You see, I have a friend – "

Kaji turned around to look at Shinji on the stair behind him. "First piece of advice: instead of saying 'I have a friend,' say 'I.'"

Kaji forestalled any protest with an immutable hand. "First off, there are too many secrets at NERV as it is, and second, life's too short to say 'I have a friend' or 'this friend of mine' each and every sentence."

Shinji sighed. "All right," he relented.

Lacking that thinly veiled anonymity, Shinji found the words clogging his throat as he tried to figure out how to verbalize the problem. As they stepped off the escalator he matched Kaji's pace and asked, "How do you know whether a girl wants you to kiss her or not?"

"Well, the hard and fast rule is 'if she says no, she means no'" Kaji winked at him, "but rules are meant to be broken, aren't they?"

Shinji's mind whirled at the dichotomy, causing him to nearly overshoot Kaji as the man took a sudden left down another corridor. "Are you actually saying that it's all right to go against a girl's spoken wishes?"

"No, nothing like that, really." Kaji smiled. "What I was trying to say was that there is no one way to know. When I move in to kiss a girl, she's just as likely to slap me as she is to kiss me back. The trick is to not be afraid of the risks, and not to press if you're wrong."

"But the risks are losing a friend forever!" Shinji protested.

Kaji sighed resignedly as they mounted another descending escalator. "All right, Shinji. You want to learn the most likely way to read a girl? It's this: pay attention to what she does, not what she says. Now, I take it this happened recently."

Shinji shivered, more from the cooling air than from the memory. "Yeah."

"What did she say?"

"She said that we should consider it carefully instead of doing something rash."

"Well, she didn't say no," Kaji offered. "And you went ahead anyway?"

Shinji flinched. "Yeah."

"Did she move away?"

Shinji thought about it for a moment. "No, I don't think so."

Kaji glared at him then, the seriousness of his face accented by the retreat of light. "Don't _think_ so, Shinji. _Know_ so."

Shinji thought even longer about it, and they were near the escalator's end when he said, "no, she didn't."

Kaji slapped him heartily on the back and handed him a flashlight as the man said, "Sounds to me like you've got a winner then. So, who's the lucky girl? One of your classmates?"

Shinji was glad that the flashlight was pointed down the dark corridor instead of his burning face when he said, "it's Rei."

Kaji's face transformed into something unreadable. "Ah, I see. What do you think your father will do?"

"My father has nothing to do with this," Shinji said vehemently.

"Easy there, tiger. I didn't mean to suggest anything. I was just thinking out loud." Kaji stopped in front of a door. "Well, we're here."

For the first time since entering the Geofront that day, Shinji was aware of his environment. No light shone there, and only the flashlights allowed him to see. Even then, dust motes swam in front of his vision, and the rank scent of LCL wracked his nose.

_Power hasn't yet come back to this section,_ Shinji reasoned, _But still, this place reminds me too much of a morgue._

His thoughts turned toward the door confronting him. It was a door colored gunmetal grey, swallowing his entire field of vision. Looking up, he saw that the door seemingly stretched up to infinity; the ceiling could not be seen. To the side was a card slot and an indicator panel reading, **'L.C.L Plant: CL3 SEG. Recognizing system; locked. Waiting for permission key.'**

There, in the bowels of the Geofront, Shinji asked, "Where are we?"

"We are exactly where we need to be," Kaji replied cryptically.

**Click.**

The sound of a gun's safety switching off resonated down the hall, causing Shinji to turn and see Kaji with his hands up… and Misato with her gun pressed against the back of his head.

"Misato!" Shinji exclaimed, shocked.

"Step away from Kaji, Shinji," Misato commanded, voice as sharp as a shard of glass, "You can't trust this man."

"Mornin' Katsuragi." Kaji said, his voice cheerfully casual. "So glad you could join us. Want to get a drink later?"

Misato's voice bled rage and undertones of betrayal. "How can I even sit down with a man I barely know?"

Shinji stood aside, mouth agape. _They met years ago and still don't know each other?_

_Then how could I possibly know Rei?_

Kaji surrendered. "Fine. What do you want to know?"

Misato visibly clenched. "From the looks of it, there seems to be two Ryouji Kajis here. One of them is an Agent of NERV's Special Inspections Division, but the other is a Special Investigator from Japanese Ministry of the Interior. Now, I think the real question is, which one are _you?_"

Kaji looked bored and unsurprised. "So, you know."

"Don't underestimate NERV!" Misato snapped; her grip on the pistol tightening. "I'll keep this to myself for now, but keep moonlighting around like this, and you _will_ die."

Kaji's eyes flickered to Shinji's, and despite the precarious situation, the agent smiled cheekily. "I think I'll stay, actually. The Commander knows exactly who I am, but so long as I have any use, he'll keep me around." He closed his eyes in penance. "I'm only sorry I hid it from you."

"I don't need an apology!" Misato said sharply.

It was then that Kaji smiled – truly, honestly smiled, and though it was supposed to be warm and comforting, it chilled Shinji to his very core.

"Good," Kaji said, "Because I've got something better to offer: the Truth. As Chief of Operations at NERV, you need to know this. And Shinji-" he said, casting a glance in the boy's direction, "-as the son of Yui Ikari, you have more of a right to know than any of us."

Then, before either Shinji or Misato could protest, Kaji brought a passcard down on the magreader with all the finality of a guillotine.

There was the metallic **Ka-chunk** of massive bolts unlocking, then the doors shunted open, uncaring about the secrets they held within.

What lay behind those doors shocked Misato into lowering her gun and banished all thoughts from Shinji's mind.

A gigantic masked white figure hung crucified, its throat slit. It ended at the waist, as if someone had bisected it beforehand. Small, stubbly pairs of legs sprouted from that point, and LCL dribbled down on the cross behind it.

"An EVA?" Misato marveled, "No! It can't be…"

"Sure it can," Kaji unveiled. "This is the source of the Instrumentality Project, and the Foundations of Project E. The progenitor of _everything_; this is the First Angel: Adam.

The last statement triggered a series of fragmentary thoughts in Shinji's mind: The Giant of Light. Adam. Angels. The Enemy. Father's been hiding the enemy in the basement.

A silent sob went out from Shinji, and just as silently he asked _Father, why are you doing this? What are you trying to do?_

In response, an image drifted up to the forefront of his mind; his Father, walking away into a land littered with gravestones, the words still carrying across the distance between them: _"Stand on your own two feet and walk."_

Another image followed in succession: Rei, looking out to Tokyo-3 on the school roof, saying _"It is a private, secret place within me, a place allowed to no one without the trust I have given them."_

And in that instant, he looked up at the masked white figure – his enemy – and he felt it _smiling_ at him, as if to say _now, you understand what it is like to be me._

And with that, Shinji realized that he knew nothing at all.

(TBC)

Author's notes: I believe I miscalculated. There IS going to be a significant Rei/Ritsuko scene in a future Entry, but it didn't feel quite right to put a confrontation after "Facets." Besides, what would you rather see – an ordinary medical checkup, or Shinji angst? Personally, I'd rather see Shinji angst. Plus we know where we stand in the series now.

I would like to take a moment to rant about how much I hate school and upper-division writing courses. Sure, I need them to complete the Writing major, but they're killing my creativity! You can thank them for the long delay.

But more, thank ShinobiCyrus, Sideris, and AndrewJTalon for taking off from their schedules for prereading this. ShinobiCryus made the contribution of the beginning quote, Sideris helped me with the end, and Andrew gave a boost of confidence with his discerning eye.

Till next time, folks.

Oh… by the way, you can find "The Notebook" at darkscribes org as well.


	17. Entry 14: Secrets

_Rei meandered down the Promenade, the strip that cut through Tokyo-3's downtown, as the sun drifted toward the horizon. While her eventual destination was NERV and the Commander's orders regarding the Instrumentality project, Commander Ikari did not require Rei's presence until after sunset, allowing her time to reflect upon events that occurred in recent hours._

_She spotted a free table at an open-air restaurant and took a seat. Sounds of muted conversation, of silverware clinking against plate, and of distant guitar and saxophone washed over her, mingling into a sonata of relaxed activity._

_Even with the soothing atmosphere Rei looked preoccupied, eyes unfocused as she shifted in her seat. Having no other outlet for her thoughts, she placed the notebook on the table and turning to a blank page…_

A pressure exists in my mind, a pressure so insistent that I can feel the blood pulse through my capillaries as I sit. My muscles are more tense than normal, and my thoughts are rushed and fragmentary.

I do not need an explanation for my distress, for I know its cause and origin.

It is frustration, and it is directed toward Shinji.

It grew from events that occurred after plug tests this afternoon. After exiting the dressing room I recalled that I wanted to discuss recent events with Shinji, so after changing into my uniform I proceeded toward his dressing room. I discovered the curtain drawn upon my arrival; however his silhouette indicated that he was sitting, most likely already dressed. After a few moments of observing his inaction, I entered.

It would have been impolite to enter while Shinji was in a state of undress.

After passing through the fabric I saw Shinji in repose – his regret, depression, sadness coating him like a membrane. It occurred to me that I was responsible for his current disposition, having refused his advances several days earlier.

So it was my obligation – as the instigator and his friend – to enquire, "Shinji, is there something wrong?"

His eyes turned from the plugsuit discarded on the bench. "Huh?"

"It looks as though you're depressed," I explained.

"Well, ye – no. It's – argh!" He expressed sporadically, concluding by pitching his head into his hands and then running his fingers through his hair. "It's…complicated."

I nodded, sympathizing. "Your situation is complicated, and the stress of the synchronization test dulls the ability to retrieve the proper words."

An idea occurred to me. "Perhaps some refreshment in a relaxed setting would ease matters?"

Shinji blinked. "Uh, okay, sure."

I did recall such an environment and I now had Shinji's consent to present it to him. However, one obstacle remained – Section 02. Their surveillance teams would report any deviation in my routine to the commander, who would be displeased if he discovered that I was not utilizing the improvements to the apartment's facilities to their full capacity.

Fortunately, I had an ally when it concerned Shinji's well-being.

"Could you please remain here?" I requested, "I have some arrangements to make."

I departed and proceeded to the staff lounge where Major Katusuragi was preoccupied in writing an assessment while waiting for the other Children to arrive.

"May I have a moment of your time, Major?" I requested to announce my presence.

Her pen halted as she regarded me. "Sure, Rei, what's up?"

"Shinji is depressed."

The Major's expression tightened. "Well, yeah… that's to be expected, considering what he's gone through these past few days."

"He has been unable to relate the origin of his troubles; perhaps a relocation to a more comfortable area is required. Preferably one with warm beverages?"

The Major's eyes brightened with interest. "Go on."

"However, the Commander has assigned… zealous personnel to my Section-02 escort. Should they observe me proceeding in a direction other than my residence or school, I may provoke their … exuberance."

The Major gave an almost imperceptible nod of understanding. "I see. Well, why don't you go back to Shinji and tell him about this 'relocation.' I've got a few calls to make."

With a flourish she procured her cell phone, and as I exited the room I heard her say, "Hey Kobyashi, I'm calling in a solid that you owe me…"

As I returned to the dressing room, Soryu emerged from it, humming melodically and striding with more energy than usual. Upon sighting me, she acknowledged, "First."

"Pilot Soryu." A myriad of possibilities entered my mind as to why Soryu emerged from Shinji's location, none of them beneficial to Shinji's continued health. "Why are you here?"

She jovially replied, "What, I can't visit Shinji to ask him a few questions?"

Apparently my concern was evident for she elaborated, "Oh, don't worry about your boy-toy. I just had him run a little errand, and I needed to make sure he carried it out."

While saying this she walked past me, saying in farewell, "Have fun doing…well, whatever you guys do." I distinctly heard her chuckle as she departed.

Shinji raised his head again upon hearing me draw back the curtain. "I encountered Soryu in the hallway," I stated. "She informed me that she had matters to discuss with you. Was your conversation with her unpleasant?"

Shinji's response came with a mirthless smile. "I'll live, Rei. Being Asuka's courier is a lot better than being her punching bag."

I felt one of my eyebrows migrate upward of its own volition. "It would be most beneficial to you if you were nothing to her at all."

To my dismay, my attempt at humor failed utterly. He canted his head to one side, confusion in his eyes. "Rei?"

With an effort, I kept my disappointment from expressing itself as I explained, "I was joking."

His face flushed crimson as he apologized. "Oh. S-sorry."

"It is all right," I told him, ceasing further humiliation.

He averted his eyes. "So, um… where are we going?"

I considered it more prudent to not inform him – it would preoccupy his thoughts, and erode his current depression with curiosity.

"I will inform you when we arrive," I said to him.

A look of confusion crossed his features before he stilled. "All right, Rei. I trust you."

The statement caught me unawares, as well as the severity of my reaction to it. My face flushed, and my mind could not produce thought. My mouth failed to remain steady as I uttered, "th-thank you."

And yet, that moment that stands as an unmitigated failure in rational thought remains a priceless memory in the emotional context.

I had his trust; I did not even need to request it.

In that moment, the Major brushed past the curtains, interrupting our seclusion.

She clapped her hands together in satisfaction. "Well, everything's set. So, how are you kids getting there?"

"We will walk," I stated. "It will give us time to reflect and converse."

The Major snorted in derision of my comment. "'Walk?' Do you realize how long that would take? By the time you got there they'd be closed, and you'd be walking back – without Section 2 protection." She shook her head in dissent. "Not gonna happen."

I nodded, acquiescing to her decision. "What do you propose then, Major?"

She propelled her keys into the air. "I'll drive you there, of course."

As our commanding officer and Shinji's guardian, I could brook no argument. To her merit, she drove with more distinction when there were more passengers in the car.

We arrived with an abrupt stop in front of the café. "Call me when you guys are through," she ordered as we exited the car. "I'll drive you home."

Shinji spoke again as the Major drove away. "So, it's a coffee shop," he stated tonelessly.

I regarded him. He was clearly preoccupied with a grave matter – one that shunted his emotions away from enjoyment of the world around him. My concern grew.

This mental conflict detracted only slightly from the comfort of the café as we entered. In the setting sun, the indoor environment retained its relaxing atmosphere. The rays of light reflected from the windows of the building opposite to layer the chairs and tables in flecks of crimson and gold. The rich smell of freshly ground coffee permeated the warm air and heightened the senses. Soft music played in the background, sufficiently subtle to instill a reflective mood in the lounging area.

I motioned for Shinji to take a seat at the both near the door. "Please rest," I requested. "I will get our drinks. What would you like?"

"Anything that's good," he replied as he slid into the seat.

I strode to the counter and ordered two hot chocolates. The girl at the register processed the order, and then scrutinized me as I stood a moderate distance away. "Why are you just standing there?" She demanded.

Although she had brown hair bound in a ponytail, her demeanor resembled that of Pilot Soryu's. Although I considered ignoring her, her question deserved an answer. "I am waiting to retrieve our drinks," I informed her.

She expressed some incredulity at this statement. "Girl, I can take your drinks over there. You go sit with your boyfriend and cheer him up."

"He is not my boyfriend," I corrected, "but your point is well taken, thank you." I bowed once respectfully before returning to Shinji.

As I sat to face him, I could see that his dejection had returned in its entirety. With his chin resting on his palm he gazed outside, his eyes unfocused as if he was looking into a distant place or time – somewhere I could not reach. It occurred to me then that Shinji could not maintain a state of happiness for long. And neither could I.

However, in the aftermath of the fourth angel attack he told me that one day we would be glad to be alive… and I want to share that day with him,

I decided to initiate a conversation – a point of contention, since I am accustomed to speak only when spoken to – exacerbated in difficulty by Shinji's reluctance to participate. In order to coerce Shinji into relaxing, I shared my knowledge of the coffee house with him. "The Major informed me that this café has the best coffee on the Pacific Rim."

No response.

"I find that difficult to believe, because it would be impossible for the Major to travel to every single coffee house in the Pacific and sample their coffee. Perhaps her hyperbole is not without merit, however."

No response.

"I do find their hot chocolate to be pleasing. It is what I ordered for the both of us."

No response. I found that my fingers had tightened into fists and my eyes tensed in the corners. A dull pounding resounded in my head to correspond to the accelerating beating in my heart.

I was angry. Deliberately or not, Shinji was ignoring me. It had taken a great deal of will to initiate the conversations, and on all accounts Shinji rebuffed me with silence, rendering my efforts worthless.

It did not feel pleasant to be worthless.

As the waitress placed the two cups of hot chocolate on the table, I decided to take a more direct approach to Shinji's morose attitude. "Shinji, tell me what's wrong."

"Mmm?" He uttered, his eyes indicating that he did not pay attention to anything I said prior.

I suppressed my frustration and said, "Shinji, you have been depressed and distracted since I met you after the synchronization training. Should it continue, it would have an adverse effect on your health. As your friend, I am concerned… about you, and whether I played a role in your current state." I found myself unable to look at him as I said that last statement.

His eyes widened, surprised. "What? Oh, you didn't do anything wrong, Rei. It's - " He stopped himself.

I felt a tenuous pulling sensation within my chest as he censored himself. "Shinji, I have heard that discussing problems amongst friends alleviates stress. I would accept, even welcome, your complaints."

Shinji did not respond for a time. When he did, his answer was curt. "I'm sorry, Rei, but I can't."

"Explain." The scenario was a stalemate. I could not help Shinji solve his dilemma if he will not tell me. Friendship is nothing if not symbiotic.

He looked at me solemnly, as imparting the loss of a relative. "Rei…I found out something about NERV. It's just… it's not all that it appears to be."

"And why can you not tell me?"

Shinji recoiled at the question. "Because – because NERV is the only thing you know! I don't want to destroy your faith in the organization that gives your life meaning!"

I was surprised that Shinji deigned to make decisions for me. But instead of saying that, I asked, "Shouldn't I be the one to decide that?"

After a moment of contemplation, Shinji said, "Remember our talk, after I opened the notebook? You said that it frightened you, that your secret self was exposed. If I told you what I saw, Rei, I would destroy the very foundation on which your identity was built. And I don't want to hurt you like that."

"But this secret could destroy you," I debated.

"If I let it out, it could paralyze NERV and destroy the world," he said, and his eyes reverted to their distant gaze. "After all, the most dangerous of secrets… are the ones we keep to ourselves."

I would have contested against that opinion; however, the shop door opened, interrupting our conversation with a jingle of door chimes. I looked beyond Shinji and took note of Agent Kaji, who advanced on our position.

"What's up, Shinji?" He greeted with a warm smile. His expression became guarded as he turned to me. "Ayanami," he acknowledged cordially.

Shinji spoke before I could. "Rei thought it would be a good idea to take me here. She says that the coffee's really good."

"Oh, it is," Kaji concurred. "I used to take Misato here on dates back in college. It was worth the trip down from Tokyo-2 University."

I offered, "If you are here to obtain a cup and depart, I would be more than willing to purchase it for you." I did not intend to sound so terse, but I could not discuss problems with Shinji when there was a third party present.

Agent Kaji hooked his thumbs under his belt as he explained, "actually, I've been looking all over for Shinji, and an agent pointed me in this direction. Shinji and I have some important matters to discuss," he said with an element of arrogance.

Shinji shifted with apprehension where he sat. "Erm, Kaji, maybe it could wait until later? I mean, Rei and I'd like to relax a little - "

Agent Kaji interrupted Shinji's protest, a slight smile on his face indicating that he knew more than he expressed. "Oh, I think Rei will find herself a little busy this coming evening."

I was about to inform him that he was mistaken when my cell phone rang. I answered immediately. "This is Rei Ayanami."

"_Rei."_ It was the Commander.

"Yes, sir."

"_I have a mission for you concerning the Instrumentality Project. Be in your plugsuit and at my office in NERV at seven hundred hours."_ The line deactivated before I could reply.

I replaced the phone, and was suddenly aware at how tense my facial muscles felt. I consciously relaxed them before facing the Agent. "It appears that Mister Kaji is correct – we are on a time constraint."

Agent Kaji shifted his weight, unperturbed or satisfied. "Well, that's too bad. There's a bus stop just outside – it leads to the Promenade, which you can cut across to get to NERV. Problem is, it'll be here in five minutes."

The implications were obvious. I glanced at Shinji. "Is there anything you will tell me?"

He shook his head. "I'll call you if I change my mind."

As I departed, I observed that not once did Shinji drink the chocolate.

It is distressing to see Shinji in agony, but it is more frustrating because he will not take the opportunity to heal. Moreover, he angers me because he does not see that his pain causes mine. However, I will not let my anger degrade this friendship… for perhaps with time, he will tell me the truth.

It is almost time for me to see the Commander. I will go with the desire that tomorrow will bring improvements with it.

TBC

Author's notes: So there you have it – Rei and Shinji's first "disagreement," if you can call it that. What, did you think it was going to be all roses from here on out? Sorry, I don't write like that.

I could use several excuses as to why this came out late – school, forgetting my story notes, getting sick. But they would just be shadows of the real reason: that this Entry was unplanned in the bigger scheme of things. It started with the whole "You look depressed" line in volume 5, expanded to a reason to show the Café again, and finally cumulated in Shinji letting Rei down but good. You could say that the proper placement of this is in the final pages of Manga volume five. Don't worry… there are going to be some cute, and I daresay WAFFY scenes after this.

On another note, I have been inundated with PMs, E-mails, Reviews, and Comments from various fanboys commenting on my inconsistencies. Although I have my adjustments to the EVA universe in previous author's notes, I will list them here with reasoning so that you can understand them simply.

**Rei doesn't know squat about the Human Instrumentality Project**. A man as careful as Gendo would not impart the entirety of his plan to a pawn, even an important pawn such as Rei. If terrorists or rogue agents capture and torture her for information, it would be better if she couldn't slip something to them inadvertently. Thus, she knows nothing. My take on Gendo ordering the stabbing of Lillth goes something like this: "Rei, we got this big red fork, and we want you to stick it in a white blobby thing in the basement." "Yes, sir." I have no doubt that she'd follow that order without question. And I find it ironic that Rei is going to face the cause of Shinji's depression later on that night, with the spear of Longinus.

**The only thing Rei knows about herself is that she's replaceable.** This will become important later on, believe me. All she knows about are the clones – she doesn't know her origins, or her purpose. But she has – or at least in manga volume one, had – faith in the commander and will follow his orders unquestionably.

Well, that's all I can think of for now. Don't worry, the next Entry will be better. Or at least you'd better hope so.

Preread by Andrew, who said "And I thought I was insecure. Just post it already," and DarckRedd, who told me that Soryu was spelled Sohryu in the Anime and highly resented the use of "capillaries." Regrettably, ShinobiCyrus wasn't able to get back to me on this because of a little thing called college. I have no doubt that he'll succeed in whatever course he chooses to go into.


	18. Entry 15: Invitation

_The thunderous echo of footsteps on marbled tile muted the sound of water from the mall's indoor water fountain as Rei sat at the fountain's edge._

_Although she did expect them until later, Rei went to the specified place in Tokyo-3's Grand Mall immediately after school ended, having had no alternate destination anyways. Arriving early also gave her ample time to process the day's events and to think about and observe the world around her._

_Surveying the area from her seat at the fountain, Rei noted that many students like her were perusing the stores in groups of two to as many as five or six. In the majority of the groups only one person spoke frequently while the remainder participated only occasionally._

_Observing this relieved Rei of some anxiety; it would not be necessary for her to participate in a conversation, as she anticipated._

_Thoughts of the future turned to thoughts of the past, and how she managed to place herself in such an awkward situation._

_After a moment of reflection, Rei clipped the notebook from her side…_

Reason dictates that with every action comes a reaction. There is no reaction without a response, but to attempt to derive the infinite number of possible responses is impossible.

Still, upon further consideration I should have used more foresight before determining my course of action for recent events.

At the time, I had not considered any consequences – I was more concerned for Shinji's well being. Although depression appears to be a constant state of mind for him, it still is a detrimental condition. Shinji was even more withdrawn when he entered the classroom that morning, completely unresponsive to all welcoming overtures.

I suspect that his talk with Agent Kaji was the cause of his condition; but lacking evidence this is only supposition.

The class hushed when the teacher commenced the day's lesson, but all who were familiar with Shinji looked upon him with concern. Even the Second- the most hostile and antagonistic- occasionally glanced at him with trepidation.

The pervading discomfort continued on well into the morning and subsequently into lunch. I was concerned for Shinji, so instead of taking my repast outside as per my routine, I quietly followed him until he sat with Suzuhara and Aida by the window at one of the cafeteria benches.

Normally, the cafeteria is prevalent with raucous students exulting about their routine, amorous intentions, rumors, or other trivial matters. Today proved to be an exception; the lackluster attitude permeated even here. The student population was desolate compared to an average day, and those remaining spoke sparingly.

Shinji and his companions were no different. An ill-fitting silence had settled over them, Suzuhara and Aida unwilling to do anything but stare at their companion from across the table while Shinji in turn merely looked distantly out the window.

It was intolerable to see them in such a state, and I determined that the dynamic should cease.

I stood at the entryway, searching for an encouraging phrase to elevate his mood. But the comments I could think of – "have faith, Shinji," or "please tell me what's wrong" – felt trite and overused. Even if I could overcome my hesitation, there remained a high probability that Shinji would simply rebuff my offer. It appeared that no words I could say would encompass my meaning or intent.

So I decided not to use any words.

I strode over to Shinji's location and sat next to him, opening my bento box to access my lunch. Aida and Suzuhara were confounded, Suzuhara more so. Nevertheless, I achieved my primary goal; I sensed Shinji's anxiety ebbing away as my time with him increased.

The mission was accomplished, but the repercussions were unexpected.

After a few moments of scrutinizing us closely, Aida and Suzuhara turned toward each other and exchanged looks of silent conversation.

Suzuhara rose from the table. "Shinji, yer coming wit' us," he proclaimed.

"Excuse us, Ayanami-san," Aida said, bowing as Suzuhara forcibly removed Shinji by the arm from his seat to a secluded corner of the cafeteria. "We'll be back after we have a little talk with Shinji."

Although they were out of hearing range, their expressions were clearly visible. Suzuhara's expressions were intense and mischievous, Aida's contemplative and calm, Shinji's frantic and flushed. Frequently, they would glance in my direction, and embarrassment would often radiate from Shinji.

I decided not to interfere. Even embarrassment was a welcome change from melancholy.

After their brief discourse they returned, Shinji trailing behind Suzuhara and Aida. I believe that if Suzuhara had presented Souryu with that same smile, she would have most likely struck him. Hard. Aida shared the same grin, but to a lesser extent.

"So… Shinji tells us you're fond of dancing," Aida initiated casually.

"Not precisely," I replied, although I did recall requesting another dance from Shinji.

Suzuhara indicated Shinji with his thumb. "What Kensuke's tryin' ta say is dat Shinji here wants ta ask ya t' go clubbin'."

"I do? – Ow!" Shinji's momentary bewilderment transformed into agony as a conspicuous _thud_ emanated from the floor where his right foot was located.

Aida placed his hands on the table, leaning forward intently. "The Grand Opening for 'The Shanghai Restoration Association' club is three days from now. Since you like dancing, we thought you'd like to come with Shinji."

In my amusement at Shinji's predicament, I believe I may have said "I accept" rashly. Immediately afterward my mind contemplated obstacles: there would be many people there that none of us would know. It would be dark, and unpleasantly loud- as most large gatherings were. It would also be an unfamiliar environment, and many other undetermined variables would also apply.

Desiring to obtain some control over the unknown, I inquired, "May I extend the invitation to others who might find the prospect appealing?"

Suzuhara looked taken aback, but shrugged. "Sure, da more da merrier!"

I retrieved my empty bento. "Very well. I will make preparations."

Suzuhara projected his voice after me, amidst chuckles: "'Ey! Make sure ta come dressed t' blow Shinji's socks off!"

I proceeded to the doorway, intent on replacing the bento box in my locker when Class Representative Horaki intercepted me.

Soryu remained at a distance as Horaki began without preamble, clearly distressed. "Ayanami, why did you do that?"

"Do what?"

She wrung in hands with furious exasperation. "You can't just sit down with a group of guys and start talking!"

Having a firm grasp of social mores, I was perplexed by her proclamation. As far as I was concerned, I had not crossed any boundaries into the taboo. "Why not?"

She leaned in close to impart this information. "People will start talking, Ayanami! You'll just be an easy target for rumors now. Everyone will say that you're leaving yourself too open-"

"Then let them speculate."

She paused. "What?"

"I said, 'let them speculate', Representative Horaki." I repeated firmly. "I hold little value for the opinion of my peers. Years of alienation and ridicule simply regarding my appearance has taught me of their ignorant idiocy. As you are a familiar classmate, I will explain this only once: I like Shinji. I would prefer to be near him and assist him during downtrodden times; also, I have made it my obligation to see him from any harm. If that means behaving in a way that inspires mindless gossip from those I have no desire of even knowing, I do so gladly."

My speech concluded in a sobering finality. Representative Horaki's mouth remained slightly agape, her eyes wide. Perhaps it was because I have never spoken with such ardent resolve. Her momentary lack of cognition provided me with a profitable advantage.

"They – Shinji and the others – have invited me to 'club' with them. They also encouraged me to invite others who may enjoy the experience. I think they would be pleased if you arrived as well."

The suggestion was enough to provoke her reaction. "M-m-me?"

"Need I repeat myself?"

"No! It's just that – I – uh –" She flushed and paused for a moment, unwilling to speak. Then she asked, "Can Asuka come?"

I looked to the Second Child, who was still distant, yet sufficiently visible so that I could see her tapping her foot impatiently on the tile, arms crossed tightly over her chest. She would not be as welcome as Horaki, indeed, but she would prove useful should an altercation take place, as was possible. Moreover, Horaki would be more stable with a familiar face to accompany her.

"If you wish," I allowed. "I have a request of you, however."

Horaki nodded, her eyes already in pensive and, most likely, strategic thought. "Sure, what is it Ayanami?"

"I have realized my wardrobe lacks attire for such an occasion. As I am not experienced in the matters of fashion, would you assist me in obtaining an appropriate outfit?"

She nodded once. "Sure – a couple of hours after school ends today will be a perfect time. Asuka could come along too – we can make a girl's day out of it."

While the prospect of spending time around the Second Child did not enthuse me, I accepted the necessity of it. If this upcoming event was to uplift Shinji's spirits, the circumstances must be ideal.

She departed back towards Soryu, saying, "Meet us at Tokyo-3's Grand Mall at 4:30. We'll be at the tower fountain!"

As the day progressed I realized what I had committed to: the invitation to dance, shopping with Horaki and Soryu - all this stemmed from my sitting beside Shinji at lunch. Such trivial things have yet a profound effect on the situations at hand.

It is a burden. That, I will acknowledge. Interacting with people outside my routine, facing situations I have never experienced – it is much to deal with. But it is not unbearable. So long as I monitor the repercussions of my actions and ensure that I have made the right decision, conditions will be stable.

However, I need to be vigilant for the foreseeable and prepared to learn new aspects of life, from people that have already lived them.

TBC.

Author's notes: Well, it's been about a month, and this is what you get. School and midterms have definitely been keeping me busy, but that's not why this Entry has been so long in the making. There was a mental block in my head – not writer's block, because I knew exactly what I wanted to write. But this little voice in my head kept saying, "this is a filler chapter. There's no use in writing it." This voice laid siege to the Entry up until last week, when I said, "You know what, screw it. I'm going to write this Entry without worrying about its significance, characterization or accuracy. We can edit it later." And so that's what I did.

I think I managed to stuff in some characterization, philosophy, and even morality. But it's still a filler chapter. We'll get to the meat later.

**(Shinobicyrus mocks the World: I am alive, despite the attempts of the fiendish Economics! I spit on thee, Consumer Product Index!)**

Edited by AJTalon and ShinobiCyrus.


	19. Interlude 3: Growth

"Rei!"

From a distance Hikari saw Rei snap the black book shut and swivel around to find the source of Hikari's voice. When Rei finally saw the girls, she nodded in greeting.

As they neared the azure-haired girl, Asuka used the corner of her mouth to ask Hikari, "Tell me again why we're doing this?"

"Well, she asked us to a club opening, so I thought we could all go out shopping." Hikari said plainly.

Asuka sniffed. "And why did you have to bring _me_ along?"

Hikari patted her friends forearm sweetly. "For the company, of course."

Asuka snorted, but said no more as they came within the First's earshot.

The seated girl nodded at them again. "Representative Horaki. Second."

Hikari waved her off. "You don't need to be so formal, Rei. It's just Hikari and Asuka when it's us girls, hm?"

"My apologies, I do so only out of respect and habit."

Asuka grumbled. "Whatever. Let's just get this over with."

Rei rose from her seat, and off they headed, Asuka swaggering on the right, Rei striding on the left, and Hikari dead in the middle.

"So," Asuka began, eyeing the shops nearest her, "Where do we go next after we play dress-up with the doll?"

Rei's eyes flashed. "Perhaps we should peruse a local pet store for a suitable muzzle – I understand indiscriminately biting passersby is considered inappropriate in civilized settings."

Reacting quickly, Hikari snagged Asuka's wrist before the girl could raise it to punch Ayanami. When Asuka whipped her head toward Hikari, the russet-haired girl shook her head ever so slightly. She had to hold back a relieved sigh when Asuka unclenched her wrists.

"We'll go pick up some perfume first," Hikari said, and then waited until the other girls agreed before nestling herself between them. If she didn't play referee… well, who knows what those two would do. She had hoped Asuka and Rei's less than wholesome relationship might come out for better (not that it could get any _worse_) with a little feminine bonding, but so far…

Hikari sighed. _Maybe this wasn't such a good idea after all…

* * *

_

Despite the shaky start, things went well for the next hour and a half. Asuka and Rei didn't talk to each other; occasionally Rei would bring a product to Hikari and ask a question, and Asuka would chat with Hikari as if the albino wasn't even there. They managed to buy makeup, shoes, perfume, and a handbag for the occasion, until they finally started searching for dresses. Rei went off on her own, walking toward something that caught her eye. It was when she was well out of earshot that Asuka asked Hikari, "So what's this all about, anyway?

Hikari pondered the question before answering. "Well, I talked to Kensuke a little bit about it – they're going to the grand opening of a club called 'The Shanghai Restoration Association.'"

Asuka grunted as she filed through a row of dresses. "What a ridiculous name. Do they really plan to restore Shanghai? It's been irrecoverable since Second Impact swamped the city."

Hikari shrugged noncommittally. "Who knows? Maybe they're getting a fundraiser together for the opening or something"

Asuka scrutinized her, but seemingly couldn't find any secrecy in Hikari's innocent face. "You're telling me that you're _not_ going because of tall, strong, and dense?"

Hikari did her best to reply with a blank stare. "What are you talking about, Asuka?"

"Never mind," her friend replied, casting a wary eye before dropping the subject. Then Asuka's eye's narrowed. "It's going to be the puppet's show that night then, I guess."

Hikari shifted her feet uncomfortably. It wouldn't be the first time that Asuka started to rant about Rei. _If we're going to have a good time,_ Hikari thought, _I'd better nip this in the bud right now._

"You know, I've been meaning to ask you about that," Hikari turned to shuffle through another clothing rack, not really paying attention to the selections. "Why do you hate her so much?"

Asuka looked at her sardonically. "Are you kidding? The girl's a complete ice cube! The first time she spoke to me was to say that I should get out of her way. That, _and_ she's the commander's favorite, even though she's got the lowest synch ratio out of all of us! NERV must be really desperate for pilots if they have _her _in the program."

Hikari nodded, spirits slightly dampened with the lack of good gossip. She plucked a dress from the rack, inspecting it to hide her disappointment. "So, this doesn't have to do with another certain Eva pilot…?"

A corner of Asuka's lips turned into a repressed smirk. "I'm for Kaji's eyes only! Not all the drooling fanboys in the world could satisfy me as much as that…" she sighed lustfully, "as that _man._"

Hikari nearly dropped the dress she was holding, recovering herself just in time. "Asuka! You mean…you haven't, have you?"

The quirk on Asuka's lips turned into a saucy grin as she flipped her hair over her shoulder. "Well, he hasn't recognized my womanly tributes," she corrected, "not yet, at least."

Trying to drag the subject kicking and screaming to the matter at hand, Hikari said, "Well anyway, I think Rei is getting better. She was pretty cold before… even after you showed up. But now look at her–inviting us out, talking to other people; she's really changed. Just give her some more chances and enjoy yourself at the club, okay?"

Asuka sighed a reluctant "all right," and turned away to look at more dresses… leaving Hikari to observe the blue-haired girl perusing the clothes rack.

_She's changed a lot, all right_, Hikari thought. She remembered when she met Rei a couple of years ago. Most people were put off by her unusual appearance- some even called her 'creepy'- but Hikari gave it a try, asking to be her friend. But Rei had just stared at her for a moment before turning back to the window, as if not even hearing the offer.

Come to think of it, Hikari remembered that Rei was still pretty bad at talking to people- even when Shinji came around.

And then today she gained ground, talking with the boys as if she'd been with them from the beginning. Rei's words resounded in Hikari's mind – _"I like Shinji. I would prefer to be near him and assist him during downtrodden times."_ Whatever happened between Rei and Shinji, it opened her up and made her bolder.

Hikari turned back to the clothes rack to replace the dress she picked and to look for another one, a singular thought on her mind. _She's changing…to become closer to Shinji._

Hikari's thoughts suddenly went to Toji. Her face warmed at the thought of sharing lunch with him, chatting with the boys. But Rei, who was considered to be the most antisocial student of the entire school, made the change as easily as a duck to water. _Could I change too?_

"Horaki."

Rei's soft voice caught Hikari unawares, and she turned sharply to look at the pale girl. "What is it, Ayanami?"

Rei held up a dress for her perusal. "Is this acceptable?"

Hikari eyed the dress. It was an almost formal affair, a spaghetti-strapped dress the color of nightshade, reaching down to Rei's ankles, a slit coming up to mid-thigh. It was made of a silken reflective fabric, and it sparkled like a ruby when the light hit it just right. The dress resembled a shimmering waterfall of liquid metal. If Hikari wasn't so certain that Rei was dead-set on Shinji, she'd think that Rei was trying to get all the boys at the club to drool over her.

Outwardly, Hikari nodded. _The girl certainly has an eye for beauty._

"It's a beautiful dress, Rei," Hikari judged, "But it's not good for clubbing. You might want to save that for prom or something, and get some clothes that are a little less…_formal_."

Rei's brow creased in confusion – something Hikari had seen often during their time at the mall. "Why would I wear something less beautiful?"

"Modesty," Hikari said simply. "If you go wearing something like _that_," she waved to the dress, "You'd outdo most of the girls there, attract the attention of their dates, then get them mighty angry. Plus, it's a little risky- if you pull off a certain dance move, you might actually flash some people." She gave the girl an apologetic grin. "Not that the boys would mind."

Rei paused and considered all of this, then nodded and folded the dress over her arm. "I see. I will search for something more appropriate. I will still be purchasing this dress, however."

Hikari did a double take. "Erm… Rei? Isn't that a bit out of your budget?"

"The Commander has set aside a cost-of-living fund for my use. The fund has an ample surplus and will be more than sufficient to purchase two sets of clothes," Rei explained as she thumbed through the hangers.

Unable to stop her curiosity Hikari asked, "And why has this fund been growing?"

"I only purchase what is necessary," the quiet girl replied.

Knowing that was as far as she could question, Hikari stood there, bemused. _And is that a 'necessary' purchase to you, Rei?_

Out loud, Hikari said, "Come on – let's find you some clubbing clothes."

* * *

Half an hour later the three girls made their way to the mall entrance, each clutching a bag. In Rei's case, she was clutching two; in one bag she carried the formal dress, and in the other the club outfit along with the makeup, perfume, and accessories. 

After they passed through the door, Rei turned to the other girls. "I'm afraid this is where we must part ways."

Hikari nodded. "Okay, see you tomorrow?"

Rei shook her head. "Unlikely. I have an appointment with Doctor Akagi tomorrow."

Hikari pondered that for a second. "I guess the next time we'll meet is the day of the dance, then."

"Do you wish to convene beforehand?"

"Yes! I mean…just to touch up before the club."

"Very well." Rei then looked over to her fellow Evangelion pilot. "Souryu."

Asuka smirked. "First. It was… a lot less painful than it could have been."

It may have been a trick of the light, but Hikari swore she thought the taciturn girl almost smiled in amusement. "Indeed," Rei agreed. "Thank you for taking time to assisting me, Horaki" Still clutching her bags, she bowed low at the waist – a deep sign of gratitude Hikari never expected from the girl.

Hikari felt blood rushing to her cheeks as she stammered, "It's all right. Anything to help a friend."

Rei's eyes widened only the slightest, but that was enough to betray her surprise. "Indeed. Thank you again, and I will see you two days from now." With that she left, and Hikari and Asuka walked the other way.

After a few minutes, Asuka decided to speak. "'Anything for a friend?' How long have you known her, Hikari?" She teased.

"Oh, shut up!" The class representative nipped back playfully. "At least I understand her a bit better now." _And know what she's going through too,_ she added silently.

Out loud, she countered, "And 'less painful than it could've been?'" Poking her friend in the ribs, she accused, "You didn't even speak five civil words to the girl while we were in the mall!"

"Hey! We're like gasoline and matches! It was either not talking to her or blowing up the mall!"

And as Hikari walked with Asuka toward the setting sun bickering and laughing, she couldn't help but hope for the future.

After all, if Rei could change today, then who knows what Hikari could change tomorrow…

TBC.

Author's note: Still not done with finals! But I thought that I should post this, seeing the distinct lack of R/S fics up at the moment. In any case, this was mainly a chapter on Hikari and how Rei is beginning to affect other people now. Hope people weren't put out by the shopping exposition – never shopped with girls before, so it's hard to imagine what the experience is like in detail.

Hopefully I portrayed the Hikari/Asuka dynamic right. I tried to make their interactions as friendly as possible without being romantic. I think I did okay… you may object in reviews, however, so we'll see.

I suspect next Entry's gonna be a short but significant one – Ritsuko and Rei confront each other. You just might like it…

Edited by Andrew, in spite of his being swamped with finals, and ShinobiCyrus, who says I'm improving. In what, I'm not sure… maybe in making spelling errors? Who knows?

Till next time, people.


	20. Entry 16: Examination

_The hums and whirrs of the MAGI coincided with the murmurs of the nightshift, weaving together a melody that could lull a person into a light doze in the dim lighting if they were not focused enough. In this languid atmosphere of Central Dogma Rei sat on the floor against Melchior with one leg drawn to her chest, the other resting on the tile. Rei refused a seat, finding herself unusually comfortable in that area._

_But her focus was not on her location, but a small inset window in the lower right corner of Central Dogma's main view screen. It tracked the progress of a project that the MAGI were working on for Rei, and occasionally the completion bar grew by an increment. Maya warned Rei that it would take all night for the MAGI to complete the project, but it was a price that Rei was willing to pay._

_After all, it was her gift; she should take responsibility for it._

_So she remained in Central Dogma, completing the remaining class worksheets and researching with her laptop. Eventually she tired of the menial activity and for a while she simply looked at the project completion screen, until memories of what happened in the examination room wafted back to her._

_About what Doctor Akagi said._

_About what she herself said._

_And then Rei could refrain from the notebook no longer…_

People have been known to behave in unusual fashions under extreme duress. Our class learned of a woman who, upon learning that her son was trapped underneath a car, lifted the three thousand kilogram vehicle so that he was able to escape. Others release various and sundry information during torture or forms of pleasure.

My personal experience is unprecedented; none of the examples I know of have resulted in a self-discovery.

This duress emerged when I reported to the examination room in the morning, as ordered. The room was still permeated with the scent of brine and turpentine – acrid smells under the best of circumstances.

It was in this room that I waited for thirty minutes for Doctor Akagi to enter. I believe she knows of my discomfiture in this room; on occasions when she is particularly irritable she would be tardy for up to two hours.

When she did appear she said routinely, "I'm sorry, did you wait long?"

I replied "not very" in order to conceal my anxiety.

"Well, you know the drill," she ordered as she prepared the syringe. "Hold out your arm…"

I did not look away, even when the injection caused pain; it would have given Doctor Akagi satisfaction on some level.

For reasons unknown to me, I felt determined not to give her that satisfaction.

That was when Doctor Akagi deviated from routine. "You've changed a bit, haven't you Rei?."

I looked at her to find her expression inscrutable, but bemusement flowed from her like a stream. "Ma'am?"

She continued. "I saw you walking out with Shinji the other day. Is that why you've started to look more like a human being?"

The manner in which she asked that question implied that she never thought of me as human… nor that she considered this a positive development.

"Is that wrong, Dr. Akagi?"

She laughed mirthlessly as she turned away to replace the rubber tube and syringe. "Of course not. I'm just surprised, that's all. Walking out with the Commander's son," her eyes flickered to the notebook as she turned away, "getting little trinkets…"

Although Dr. Akagi's back was to me, I could sense menace radiating from her like a dry heat as she wondered aloud, "I thought you only had eyes for Commander Ikari…but now look at you. Here I was thinking I had you all figured out; just a little doll that does what it's told-that's all I thought. Now I'm actually rather impressed, both father and son, wrapped around your little finger…"

Perhaps it was due to the unbearable scent in the room. Perhaps it was the fact that this ordeal had occurred for over half an hour. Perhaps it was because I was preoccupied with preparations for the dance tomorrow. But I felt the irrepressible desire to refute her.

"I am not a doll," I heard myself say, "And I do not like the Commander."

I did not need to see her face to register her surprise. "You're lying," she said in what could be termed as a hiss.

Initially, I also did not believe my own words. But as I reflected upon them, the more I realized their validity.

Again, words came unbidden to my lips. "For the longest time, I felt so frail… like I was a false…thing made of straw. At first, I thought that by thinking of him, I would feel whole. But the Commander has only led me, not completed me. I have found others who help in that regard, and have realized that only I can complete myself. Shinji in particular has grown with me, and does not lead. He is my equal, and Commander Ikari is my Commander, nothing more."

At that, Doctor Akagi laughed to a twisted comedy. "That's because you are a false thing, Rei. No matter how many little friends you make at school, no matter how many times you hold the stupid boy's hand, you're still going to be a fake. You're Commander Ikari's little doll, Rei. Just another one of his playthings he can just as easily replace."

The thought left my lips before I could stop it: "I suppose we are quite alike then, Dr. Akagi."

On two occasions I slapped Shinji; the first in defense of Commander Ikari- before the notebook- the second in defense of it. If my blows had the same sting as Dr. Akagi's, I made a silent promise to myself never to strike him again.

As if shocked at the sight of her handprint bruising my cheek, Doctor Akagi's posture deflated as she sat heavily in a seat, never once turning her face toward me. I waited for her to respond, but no words came from those pursed lips. Because of this, I sensed an opportunity to implement a scenario that I had outlined before I was required to prepare for the dance.

But first, I had to ensure that I was in a proper mental state to make my proposal; I waited for my anger to subside before I approached her.

"Doctor, would it be possible to prepare a genetically modified plant within the constrained period of a day, utilizing the MAGI?"

She nodded, though I could not see her expression as she did so.

"May I use the MAGI for such an endeavor?"

Again she nodded, purportedly preoccupied with my declaration. "Have Maya help you with that. I have a headache."

The anger I held was swept away by relief as I said, "Thank you, Doctor." I departed, but not before seeing Doctor Akagi place her head in her hands.

Now that the scenario and the project are underway, I have taken steps to ensure that this will be a memento for the future. I am curious indeed to see what tomorrow will bring.

TBC...

Authors notes: Two weeks ago I bought Manga Volume Ten. In four hours I must have read it about three times in a row. To be honest, it wasn't that bad; Chapter 9 of "'Touch" was more traumatic for me. In fact, I think the Akagi backstory propelled the Entry out of me and helped me characterize her here; if you read Volume Ten you will see a faint echo of her dialogue here.

In any case, this little scene takes place in Volume Eight, but has been pushed to Volume Six in this timeline – remember, Shinji and Rei did walk out with Misato to go to the cafeteria, and I don't think Akagi would miss a thing like that. As small as this scene is, it is important. I will refer to it later on… much later, believe me.

And so, we're due for another interlude. Cue the dance music , if you please!

**Shinobicyrus: "VOLUME TEN IS OUT? FINALLY!" **

Preread by ShonobiCyrus, by the way... almost forgot to include that. 


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